Daria Hunter
by bhut
Summary: Synopsis: Ms. Li’s newest pet project, Lawndale High’s Filmmaking Club, is shooting "Crocodile Hunter: Collision Course". Read it at your own peril.
1. Chapter 1

**Daria Hunter: Collision Course**

Daria /Crocodile Hunter parody

Synopsis: Ms. Li's newest pet project, Lawndale High's Filmmaking Club, is shooting "Crocodile Hunter: Collision Course". Read it at your own peril.

Disclaimer: Daria and other characters belong to MTV and Noggin. Crocodile hunter and related characters belong to MGM (I think). For comments, write to Bhut ().

**Prologue**

Most of the staff of Lawndale High are sitting in the cafeteria, listening to Ms. Li. Quite a few senior students – Daria, Jane, Mack, Kevin, Jodie, Brittany, Andrea, Ted, others – are also present.

Ms. Li: …And so, the school board had decided to donate this grant to Lawndale High's Filmmaking Club!

DM: But we don't have this kind of club!

Ms. Li: We do now!

DM: …

Daria: Exactly, Mr. DeMartino. We're that club, aren't we, Ms. Li?

Ms. Li: Exactly! And, Miss Morgendorffer, since you're so-o-o smart, you'll be the star!

Daria: Only if Jane is my sidekick or something.

Ms. Li: Granted!

O'Neill: (timidly) Eh, what movie are we shooting?

Ms. Li: Mr. O'Neill, we shooting "Crocodile Hunter: Collision Course"!

General silence.

DM: …Isn't it kind of a stretch? Where are we going to get a crocodile?

Ms. Li: Our sponsor, the Lawndale Zoo, had kindly taken those problems onto itself!

DM: But why?

Ms. Li: Great oaks from little acorns grow… and besides, we need to jump-start this club to get that money! Now here are the roles and professions…

Daria: (to Jane) Why do I have a bad feeling about this?

Jane: (not listening) We'll be stars!

Daria: (to the ceiling) Now I know.

**Blackout.**

**Beginning of the "movie".**

Scene 1: A satellite is flying through space.

Scene 2: (Mojave Desert, California) Lots of people at the computers, looking at data. Suddenly:

Woman1: Dr? The data from the satellite shows that it is moving on a deviation

Dr: Alert Tember: I'll be right over...

Scene 3: The satellite is still moving through space; but now signs of an internal fire are shown.

Scene 4: (Canberra, Australia) A man is looking at a computer:

Man1: We've lost the satellite over Queensland; it is programmed to self-destruct if it leaves the orbit.

Words "Critical" flash on the display.

Scene 5: The satellite blows up. A spherical object goes off into space towards earth.

Scene 6: The head scientist and another man are the computers.

Man2: Canberra lost it when we did.

HS: Broadcast all SS information from the last 24 hours.

Scene 7: The object enters the earth's atmosphere and begins to burn-up, changing its' shape from a sphere into a cone-like shape. It falls next to a river, bounces off a road sign, and rolls down the shore…

…where a crocodile gulps it up.

Scene 8: the head scientist holds a conference.

HS: See that's where it landed (points at a screen) and that's where we've lost transmission.

Man2: Looks to me like American government got itself a problem in Australia.

Scene 9: A large lizard is lying basking on sand, when suddenly Daria jumps onto it. She misses, and the lizard scampers off.

Daria: Ouch. Jane!

Daria begins to chase after the lizard, unsuccessfully. In part this because the lizard is very big (it's a goanna lizard) and in part because she isn't a very good runner.

Daria: Jane!

We see Jane running (but not too fast either) with a landing net. Daria, meanwhile, is continuing to try and catch the lizard but she is still unsuccessful. Suddenly, both she and the lizard do a runner-up, she jumps… and misses. The lizard goes off the dune into rocks, with Daria continuing to chase it. Suddenly, the lizard runs into a cavern, and Daria lunges and misses it again, for the last time.

Daria: Now what? (Waits to gather her bearings; then) Oh look lizard poo!

Pause

Daria: Using it, we can study what that goanna had eaten last.

Pause

Daria: Jane, can you give me a hand?

Jane: (OS) That's not in my script.

Daria: Fine. (Still doesn't touch it). This was the goanna – as quick as a snake and as nasty as a shark. Got teeth, claws, slapping tail…? (Pauses) Why was I chasing it, again?

Ms. Li: (OS) It was part of the script, Miss Morgendorffer!

Daria: Whatever… Basically, it just hides in this cavern, waits for something to come by… then wack! It strikes and crawls back into its' cave. (Blinks and leaves rather hurriedly)

Scene 10: Daria is walking towards her and Jane's truck.

Jane: (OS) Where's the poop?

Daria: Back there. You go and get it… and hope that goanna doesn't decide that your fingers are lunch.

Andrea: (OS) I'll do it – for a price.

Daria: 20% of whatever we'll get paid?

Andrea: (OS) Deal. I'm currently working for rates that would make workers at Ralph's diner pity me!

Jane: (Moving into the shot) Now that that's out of the way… Daria, it's your line.

Daria: We're on a mission to collect Australia's unwanted, unloved animals. We're off to snake country, mates! (Pauses) Weren't we supposed to get a dog?

Ms. Li (OS) You'll get one later. Maybe. Damn budget balances!

Daria: Whatever… (Pauses) Well, we're off!

Scene 10: (C.I.A Headquarters, Langley, V.A.) It's night. A man is walking towards the building. It's Kevin Thompson. He pushes his hand against a handprint scanner, and elevator door opens. He goes into the elevator, and the door closes, taking him upstairs.

Scene 11: The elevator door opens, and other man greets Kevin. It's Mack Mackenzie.

Mack: Kevin?

Kevin: Mack Daddy!

Mack: Don't call me that at (checks his watch) 3 A.M.! (Pauses) Let's go in.

Scene 12: Mack and Kevin enter an office, where Coach Gibson presides.

CG: Thompson, Mackenzie… At 23:00 we've lost communications with a satellite, whose main function was intelligence gathering (Opens the door towards a huge chamber)

Scene 13:

DM: THOMPson, MACKenzie, nice of you to join us!

Kevin: I'm the QB

DM: Son, for the duration of the movie you're a CIA agent!

Kevin: Cool!

Mack: What's the buzz, sir?

DM: A satellite got destroyed over Australia. However, its' black box (shows a replica of the cone-shaped object that the crocodile swallowed earlier) may've possibly survived. It got enough information to change the entire power structure!

Mack: And you're sending HIM (Indicates Kevin)?

Pause

DM: You'll leave first thing in the morning; we're sending a leak that that's just a routine check-up, so unless we scrunch-up some local talent, you're on your own.

(CG listens-in)

CG and DM leave.

Kevin: Northern Australia…

Mack: Thank God it's a friendly country.

Scene 14: A farmer (Ms. Barch) is shooting at the crocodile (same one) as before. She misses and the croc slithers off into the river.

Ms. Barch: Go on, get away from my cattle! (Runs to the shore, pauses at something below her) Oh no, poor Daisy (it's an identification tag). (Fires another shot, but the crocodile's underwater now, so no luck.

Scene 15: Ms. Barch is riding her motorcycle with a whole pack of dogs around her and around a truck, besetting a ranger (Mr. O'Neill).

Barch: Why are you here, Tim?

O'Neill: Call off the dogs and I'll tell ya!

Barch whistles and the dogs scatter.

Scene 16: O'Neill and Barch are in a barn.

O'Neill: Now, uh, Janet, I heard you shooting a storm up the river... You could get in serious trouble for that.

Barch: (explodes like a volcano) Now why isn't it okay for me to shoot a croc, but it's okay for the croc to eat my cattle?

O'Neill: I'll find you a solution, Janet…

Barch: Just get out of the door, like my husband, the same no-good _man_ you are! (Starts to swing her shotgun like a baton stick.)

O'Neill: Eep! (Runs-off)

Scene 17: Daria and Jane are at a river.

Daria: (Deadpan) We're off to save a croc. See it's been haunting this river for quite some time, and everyone's afraid that it'll go at them…

Scene 18: Daria and Jane go down river in a motor boat.

Daria: A crocodile can remain invisible in this river during the day. Personally, I was all for getting a dog from Ms. Barch and use it as bait, but Ms. Li refused on the grounds of a lawsuit. So now we've got to wait for the night, and catch the croc with its' eye-shine… Terrific.

Jane: You've forgotten those lines: "The saddest thing is that it isn't the croc's fault, it's the humans' fault. It haven't invaded our swimming pool, we invaded its'. The crocodile is the apex predator in this neighbourhood, without it this whole ecosystem will collapse"!

Daria: That's it: you'll be starring in the croc-catching scene.

Jane: Excuse me?!

Scene 19: The same river, night. Daria and Jane shine their lamps all over the river; suddenly they see the movement of a diving crocodile. Pause. Then Daria shows Jane into the water. The latter instantly sinks.

Daria: Remember Jane: the thing got strength of 3 blokes your size! Restrain it, and I'll lasso it! (Swings a noose made from cable)

Suddenly, the croc and Jane emerge from the water, struggling and spitting. Daria fails to lasso the reptile, however, and they sink.

Daria: Blink

The crocodile and Jane emerge a second time, and Daria tries to lasso the croc's jaws again but the crocodile snaps through the cable.

Daria: Damn budget cuts!

Her friend and the reptile emerge a third time, and Daria walks it on the head with an oar. The oar breaks, and the crocodile goes slack.

Scene 20: The crocodile is safely packaged, and both girls are lying in the boat, tired.

Daria: … Still feel sorry for the reptile?

Jane: … #$% you.

Daria: I thought so.

Scene 21: (N.R.A. headquarters, Langley, V.A.) Ms. Morris is talking to an operative.

Morris: I'm talking to you because you're an Aussie… The CIA is sending two of its' men undercover to retreat the lost satellite.

Brittany: Isn't that your department?

Morris: DeMartino jumpstarted me, but I'll show him… Here's the info on two men – do not fail me!

Brittany: Yes ma'am! (Stands up in a military salute.)

Scene 22: Kevin and Mack in a bunker.

Kevin: I've forgotten my lines.

Mack: Small surprise. Look, we'll be going as mineral experts to fool the Aussie contact… We'll be taking the mobile antenna…

Kevin: (Excitedly) And a big gun!

Mack: Come on, there's nothing that can hurt you in Australia.

Scene 23: A snake slithers past the shot – and Daria almost misses it, but manages to grab it by the tail.

Daria: This fearsome snake has enough venom to kill 150,000 rats or 100 humans… Jane you hold it! (Thrusts it towards the camera which rapidly zooms away) Hey, not so far!

(Pause)

Daria: Isn't she a beauty? (The snake hisses and Daria freezes) Jane, this is _your_ friend.

Jane: (OS) As if! You're the star of the show, you hold it!

Daria: Jane, this snake can kill a hundred other people and me. Since you don't want it, I'm letting it go…

The camera blinks out.

Daria: (OS) Jane, everybody, that was not a joke!

Hissing and screaming go off camera.

Scene 24:

DM: …And that concludes this briefing, gentlemen!

Morris: Can I have a moment, Anthony?

DM: Sure. What?

Morris: You've sent two men from your department, with one of them should've been from my team!

DM: Whoops. I forgot. But… Thompson will do fine, if he ever wants to-

Morris: This is a deliberate insult, Anthony. I'll show you and your little friend too! Mwa-ha-ha!

DM: (to OS) Angela, Samantha needs her shots, now.

Scene 25: Ms. Barch's ranch. The roadway is closed with plenty of signs, like "Savage dogs" and so forth. Suddenly, Mr. O'Neill truck slams into it on high speed, with Mr. O'Neill yelling in a high voice:

O'Neill: How do you stop this thing-g-g?!!

Scene 26: Ms. Barch watches with grim amusement as O'Neill vehicle rumbles past her door. OS there's a splash and O'Neill's shouts stop.

Scene 27: Barch is setting the shivering O'Neill off her property.

O'Neill: J-J-Janet, I've got a pair of relocation experts to take care of your croc for you...

Barch: Skinny, warm-up a bit and dry down, and get your driver's permit, for Chrissakes! How'd you manage to drive a truck with ruined tires into a lake is past my understanding! (OS) How're the dogs?

Andrea: (OS) Scared shitless.

Daria: (OS) Now can we fish for the crocodiles with them?

Ms. Li: (tired) Put a sock in it, Miss Morgendorffer!

Scene 28: A sweltering airfield in the bush. A plane lands, and Kevin and Mack get off of it. A cheerful Brittany is meeting them.

Kevin: Hey, babe!

Brittany: Hey, Kevvy! Want to make-out in my jeep?

Kevin: Sure!

The two run-off.

Mack: (Staring at the camera) Daria, want to switch?

Daria: (OS) Sorry, I'm keeping Jane.

Jane: (OS) Lucky me.

Scene 29: Daria and Jane's jeep is stopping next to a dead kangaroo.

Daria: Well, this is a nice change: something that's already dead. Come on; let's pull it off the road.

Jane: Well that's kind of like the script…

Daria: (Pulling the kangaroo's corpse into the deep grass) Hey, go and find the baby roo!

Jane: What's to find it's right here! (Points to a baby roo) Aw, and it is cute. Come to mamma, baby!

The baby roo vomits over Jane.

Jane: Quinn, what's the meaning of this?

Quinn: (OS) Stacy?

Stacy: (OS) Eep!

Jane: Never mind.

Daria walks over to Jane.

Daria: What's that smell?

Jane: (Curt) Take it while I take off my shirt. (Pause) Upchuck, not a peep!

Jane extends the roo to Daria; the former, however, chooses that moment to succumb to severe diarrhoea, and ruins the rest of Jane's outfit.

Jane: Stacy!! (Runs OS)

Daria: (Takes the roo OS by the nape of its' neck, as if it was a cat.) Are we finished with this travesty yet?

Ms. Li: (OS) Keep rolling!

Scene 30: Ms. Barch's motorcycle arrives at some spot at the riverbank. Obviously, she's going to set an ambush for the croc with her shotgun. There's some commotion of screen, but she ignores it.

Barch: Steal my cows, will ya? I've got a nice juicy for ya! (Swings it over the branch just over the river. Instantly, the crocodile pops-up, grabs the chicken and pulls it into the water. Since Ms. Barch was holding it, she goes into the water as well.) Help!

O'Neill: Janet! (Dives after her)

Scene 31: The jeep of Kevin, Mack, and Brittany arrives at a hill, shaking from the inside. Mack gets out of it.

Mack: (into the van) You two go right on, I'll set the antenna. (OS) Jodie, care to help an actor in need?

Ms. Li: (OS) What about Mr. Thompson and Miss Taylor? This is a complicated thing, he'll-

Pause

Ms. Li: (OS) Miss Landon, help Mr. Mackenzie set up the equipment, for he'll need _intelligent_ help! Oh, and speaking of intelligence, Miss Morgendorffer, Ms. Lane – you're on next!

Scene 32: A large spider is in the shot.

Daria: Okay, this is a bird-eating spider, one of the more poisonous ones… Jane, get the box. I'm putting into it now.

Jane: (OS) Daria, come on! You haven't told the audience about its' huge fangs _or_ the thick syrupy venom… I'll get the box now.

Daria: Thank you.

Andrea: (OS) Wusses. Stick your hand into the hole, at least!

Daria: Excuse me. (Walks OS)

Scene 33: Daria is dragging a struggling Andrea to the hole over the spider.

Daria: You stick your hand down there.

Andrea: No!

Jane: (OS) Oh yes. While Daria was restricting you, I had to ask… DeWitt-Clinton for help with the spider! Stick her hand there, Daria!

Andrea: Gah! No! Flees!

Daria/Jane/Ted (!): Come back here! (Chase her)

Ms. Li: (OS) Ms. DeFoe is everything read for the next scene?

Ms. DeFoe: (OS) Are you crazy? Both Janet and Timothy are getting serious help from Manson even as we speak!

Ms. Li: (OS) WHAT?! I told her to keep away from my set! She'll be hunting the croc, then!

Sounds of struggle off camera.

Scene 34: The agents' camp. Kevin and Brittany are still doing it in the jeep; Mack and Jodie aren't seen either.

Ms. Li: (wanders on screen) Mr. Mackenzie? Miss Landon? Where are you?

Kevin: (out of the jeep) They went for some quality time, Ms. Li!

Ms. Li: Forget it.

Scene 35: Daria and Jane in their truck. Suddenly, they stop.

Jane: Snake!

Daria: Step on it, Lane!

Jane: (Glaring) Daria, it's under the truck vertically, not before it horizontally, remember the script?!

Daria: Are you saying that I'll have to pull it out by the tail?

Jane: Aye, and hold it while I struggle to find the net!

Daria: Forget it! (Pulls out a shining apparatus)

Jane: Hey that's _my_ glue gun!

Daria ignores Jane gets out of the car. Several moments later, some sounds are heard.

Daria: (back in the truck) Go and find your net Jane, I don't how long the glue will hold it!

Jane: (sobbing) My glue! (Runs off screen)

Daria: (to the snake) Now see what you made me do? (Goes and gets the net herself.)

Scene 36: The agents' jeep arrives at Barch's farm. The desolation brought-on by O'Neill is still clearly and painfully obvious, and both he and Barch are absent (still not recovered from the gone awry scene 30).

Kevin: Now what?

Mack: Bugger me if I know.

Brittany: Let's explore! (Runs off, followed eagerly by Kevin.)

Scene 37: Office of DeMartino.

DM: (to CG) We've got problems with the satellite.

CG: Personal or hardware?

DM: Probably both. (Pause) I'm off to talk to the higher-uppers, to prevent getting a leak in the boat.

CG: That's not part of the script.

DM: (Walking off screen) Whatever.

Scene 38: Daria and Jane are on the river in the motor boat.

Daria: (Reading the script) 12 to 40 feet long? Dominated this stretch of river for a while? Really grumpy? That's it, I want out!

Jane: Don't you worry, you'll get out and hunting the croc in no time.

Daria: If something happens to me, Jane, I'll be haunting you for years to come!

Jane: (the boat runs aground) That's okay. Now go forth!

Daria doesn't bulge.

Scene 39: Daria is on the ground, apparently kicked out of the boat by Jane.

Daria: I'll get you Lane, I'll really will. (Pats her pockets, brightening) But I still got the glue gun.

Jane: (in the boat) What?!! Come back here!

Daria runs off

Daria: Nyah-nyah can't catch me!

Crocodile: Roar!

Daria: Eep! (Flees back to the boat; the crocodile continues to chase Daria on foot as well)

Jane: What the-?

Daria jumps into the boat and the croc barrels into it, turning it upside down into the water together with itself. Soon, the water is boiling with activity (but there's no blood at any rate) Suddenly, Daria and Jane emerge.

D+J: Yes! We've tied the croc! (Grasp the rope and pull. Unfortunately, it's been wrapped around the boat's motor, and the boat drives off, with the two girls overboard.) Whoa!

Scene 40: The boat is sailing down the river, with crocodile one side of it, and Daria and Jane on the other. Suddenly, the rope rips apart, and the boat speeds away into the horizon, leaving the girls one on one with the croc again – and it charges at them full steam!

J+D: Gah!!

As the croc approaches, it opens its' jaws… and Daria begins to fire Jane's glue gun into it. The hot and liquid glue hits the crocodile practically everywhere, including one of its' eyes. Bellowing from pain, it swerves, and with a tail slap it sends Daria and Jane clear out of the water. The two girls land on dry land looking about as dangerous as a pair of boiled flies – and the croc charges again. But before it can reach the two girls – the uncontrollable motor boat slams into it, carrying it down the river.

DM: (OS) Get it.

Sounds of many feet running off screen.

Scene 41: The fully powered motorboat is carrying the crocodile downriver. Many people are trying to catch up to them but it's no good.

DM: Somebody, do something!

Ted: Watch this! (He throws a stone from a slingshot, and it knocks the motor clear off the boat and down to the river's bottom. The boat stops, but its' momentum is transferred to the croc, and it goes "flying" down a small creek. It straightens itself and continues to swim forwards; even when he runs out of water, he's still moving.)

Daria: Yahh! (Bursts out of some bushes and whacks the croc solidly on the head. There's a crack, and the croc goes completely slack.) Got him.

Jane: Where's my glue gun?

Daria: You got any other ways to immobilise it?

Ted: Allow me!

Daria: Why are you here?

Ted: DeMartino wants me for ruining his boat – I'm safer with the croc! (Pulls out some fresh roping)

Jane: Whatever. (The trio starts to tie-up the croc, as the sounds of the boat-retrieving achievement are heard in the background.)

Scene 42: A car. A somewhat wet and bedraggled Miss Morris approaches, as a cell phone begins to ring.

Morris: What?

Brittany: Ah, shouldn't I be calling you about getting that beacon-thingy from Mack and Kevvy?

Morris: You do that.

Brittany: Great! Bye!

Scene 43: The agents' jeep. It stops at the river.

Mack: The beacon must be in the water!

Kevin: Yeah! The croc ate it, remember?

Mack: Kevin, we're not supposed to know that!

Kevin: But it was in the script!

Mack: …Never mind!

Suddenly, the dogs of Ms. Barch arrive, causing the trio to run for their lives.

Kevin: (in a tree) Hey, I got the gun! (Begins to shoot at the dogs)

Ms. Barch appears.

Barch: Shoot at my dogs, will ya? I'll show you! (Begins to fire at Kevin)

Kevin: Hey, I'm the QB! (Starts a gun battle with Barch)

Scene 44: Daria, Jane and Ted are walking down the shore.

Daria: So the crocodile will be waiting for us in the next scene?

Ted: Yup! No more trusting you two, the zookeeper said.

Jane: Great… What's that sound? Sounds like real gunfire!

Ted: It is. It's Kevin and Ms. Barch – fortunately, they're firing blanks, so it's safe.

(A stampede of terrified dogs almost runs Ted into the ground.)

Daria: (Flatly) Safe, eh?

Scene 45: Both Kevin and Barch are out of bullets, so it's a truce.

Mack: Look, according to the script, Ms. Barch, you're supposed to take Brittany to the ranch keeping us here with your dogs… where are they?

Barch: Run-off, like that no good husband of mine… Brittany, let's go and leave those men with the croc!

(Barch and Brittany leave.)

Scene 46: The CIA headquarters.

CG: Do we have to "report" on Daria and Jane?

DM: You know what, let's just skip it.

Scene 47: Daria and Jane drive off in their vehicle.

Scene 48: Kevin and Mack drive off in theirs.

Scene 49: While Ms. Barch is re-relaxing, Brittany flies-off in an impromptu glider.

Scene 50: Kevin and Mack chase after Daria and Jane.

Jane: This is the car fight scene – see, Kevin and Mack are picking-up speed.

Daria: Yeah that's where the spider gets out. (Thrusts the open box onto Jane's lap.)

Jane: Gah! (Slams the brake and jerks the steering wheel.)

The girls' car goes off the road; the boys' vehicle zooms off into wide blue beyond.

Jane: (briefly pausing in stomping) Well, that's original.

Daria: Whatever. (Drives-off)

Scene 51: Brittany flies out of the barn on the glider; she manages it only poorly.

Scene 52: Kevin and Mack arrive at the spot where Daria and Jane had left their vehicle.

Kevin: Uh, Mack Daddy? I forgot my line.

Mack: Sign, Kevin, just help me set our boat afloat, and let's hope that Brittany isn't as hopeless as you are.

Kevin: Sure thing, Mack Daddy!

Mack: Don't call me that!

Scene 53: Daria and Jane in their motor boat.

Jane: This is entirely your fault, you know?

Daria: If you're implying about the way the _big_ croc was captured, well – excuse me. I told you before that there is no way that I'll be mucking around with _that_ reptile.

Jane: Whatever… It would've been nice, though…

Scene 54: Kevin and Mack appear and begin to chase Daria and Jane. Gunshots are heard.

Daria: So their boat still works?

Jane: Your earlier manoeuvre had gotten their car, not their boat… and I guess Kevin had still some blanks left.

Daria: Where they came from anyways?

DM: (OS) Budget savings.

Daria: I should've known… where's Brittany?

Scene 55: Brittany comes flying up the river in her glider; however, an expert aviator she is not, and so her vehicle goes into a nose dive, and smashes into Mack and Kevin's boat. Both the boat and glider sink, and the three students begin to flail in the river's water.

Jane: Shall we fish them out?

Daria: You want them to be on your conscience? (Pause) Shouldn't Barch and O'Neill be here already?

DM: (OS) They can't. They still haven't recovered, or at least O'Neill hadn't.

Daria: And where's Ms. Li?

DM: Talking with the teacher's union even as we speak.

Daria: Then who is running this show?

Ted: (OS) Me! I'm a licensed camera worker…

Daria: Never mind.

Scene 56: CIA HQ. Ms. Morris and others are sitting at a round table, when DeMartino comes in.

Morris: Well, DeMartino, what you can say in your defence?

DM: Everything was fine, until your agent decided to muck it up!

Morris: Don't blame on me your incompetence! You sent _Kevin Thompson_!

DM: Oh, and like Taylor's any better?

Ted: (OS) Next shot, now!

Daria: (OS) There is no next shot: thanks to our _shared_ incompetence, we killed the ending dead. Sorry.

Ted: (OS) Oh. In that case…

The screen blacks-out and the credits run down it haphazardly.

**End of the "movie".**

**Epilogue**

The members of the "Filmmaking Club" are once again sitting in LH's cafeteria, looking sorely tired and depressed. A few members – like Ms. Li and Mr. O'Neill, Ms. Manson – are downright absent. Mr. DeMartino is presiding now.

Ted: So what do we do now? Where's Ms. Li?

DM: I said before, dealing with the union.

Daria: Excuse me, but aren't you the union's representative in LH?

DM: This is beyond me…

Jane: Excuse me, but now what?

DM: In absence of our principal, I declare Lawndale High's Filmmaking club disbanded.

Everybody: Hurray!

DM: Come on, let's celebrate this!

The camera blacks-out, as everybody flees the cafeteria and finally reaches…

The end.


	2. Chapter 2

**"Willow"**

Daria/Willow parody

**Prologue**

Lawndale High auditorium. Members of Lawndale High's staff and students are sitting there, while Ms. Li is standing at the podium.

Ms. Li: Dearest staff and students of **Llaaawwwnnndale High! **It is my great pleasure to inform you, that Lawndale High's Filmmaking Club's first movie has been a success!

(A mix of uproar and shock from the audience)

DM: What? But Angela, we - **you** - had to deal with the Superintendent, the zoo authorities, that anti-animal-cruelty society and so on! We're-

Ms. Li: - infamous, which just practically famous! And renowned!

DM: ...

(General shot of auditorium. We see Mack and Jodie, Kevin and Brittany [and other cheerleaders and jocks]; we see FC and a few other younger students; and we certainly see Daria and Jane [sitting next to Ted and Andrea].)

Quinn (to Daria, with a pained expression): Oh no! I swear, this idea of Ms. Li's is the worst _and_ it won't die!

Jane (acidly): You mean kind of like that smell that the baby roo has cast on me?

Stacy: I'm _sorry_, Jane!

Sandi (haughtily): Why are you apologizing to the unpopular, Stacy?

Daria (flatly): Whom are you calling unpopular? For our crocodile scenes we received several offers from down Florida - to star as 'gator wrestlers and general showmen - well, -women. I and Jane are actually well-renown by now.

Kevin (in his usual manner): Yeah, man! And me and Brittany and Mack Daddy are, like, really famous! We're stars! That's almost as good as being a QB, only there can be only one QB, and there can be several stars, right Mack Daddy?

Mack (grouchily): Kevin...

Kevin: Oh yeah! Sorry Jodie about you not being a star, you were just unlucky. But hey, you're dating Mack Daddy, who _is_ a star _and_ the team's captain, who is _almost_ as important as the QB!

Mack (to Daria): You know, if we were to shoot "Highlander" and Kevin was to be a star, I wouldn't mind so much because-

Sandi (to Jane): Look, just because you gained some notoriety amongst the creeps doesn't make you enough to popular to boss Stacy around just because she fed some bad apples to that overgrown rabbit! You know how many times she messed up a FC meeting? And yet she is still the secretary of it!

Stacy: Oh Sandi, you're so fair!

Sandi: Yeah, well, anyways, only _I_ - and other FC members of course - can boss Stacy around for her mistakes, got it?

Ms. Li (finally noticing that something is amiss): Excuse me, what's the commotion down there?

Daria: We are wondering what is the next movie we are parodying... play-acting?

Ms. Li (sighing): Miss Morgendorffer, that's a very good question. You see, despite our overall success, several cast members have been acting irresponsibly (glares at Barch and O'Neill), and endangered several dogs, and there's also some sort of a stink about some missing spider (Daria and Jane look innocent), so no animal movies for awhile.

Morris: So, what _are_ we shooting?

Ms. Li: "Willow"!

General silence.

Sandi (perplexed tone): Hah? We are talking about Alyson Hannigan here?

Ted (confused): Who?

Sandi: The red-head from the cast of "Buffy"!

Quinn (surprised): I didn't know you watched "Buffy", Sandi!

Sandi (defensive): We-ell, I always thought that Charisma Carpenter was cool.

Jane (nodding in agreement): And David Boreanaz is a real honey anyways.

Sandi: Exactly.

(There is a pause as the other students stare at girls with surprised looks. [Except for Kevin and Brittany who are making out.])

Daria: Before we officially enter the shadow zone, I say that Ms. Li must be talking about that Lucasfilm cinematic monstrosity, and not the character of Alyson Hannigan, right Ms. Li?

Ms. Li: Yes, exactly!

DM: I'll ask it again: but why?

Ms. Li (shrug): Well, it's cheap, and easy, and there are no exotic animals to abuse (sends a glare in the FC's general direction). Also, the Art and Drama classes had a lot of unused and left-over props-

Jane (to Daria): Actually, Ms. Li bought those props herself in retail stores.

Ms. Li: -and personally, I think it'll be interesting to do something different from the last film for a change!

Sandi: Excuse me, but who is the cast this time? Quinn's cousin and her friends had a chance at stardom, now it others turn!

Ms. Li: Don't worry, all was taken into account! (Br). And now - action!

**Blackout.**

**Beginning of the "movie".**

Scene 1: The screen is still dark, but you can hear a voice - Tiffany's - from off screen.

Tiffany (O.S.): It was... no, it... is a time of d-r-e-a-d... dread. It was a time of dread... (Pause) No, it _is_ a time of dread!

Ms. Li (O.S., tired): Miss Rowe, please take over for Ms. Blum-Deckler.  
Stacy (O.S.): Seers have foretold the birth of a child who will bring about the downfall of the powerful Queen Li. Seizing all pregnant women in the realm, the evil Queen vows to destroy the child when it is born...

Scene 2: Nockmaar Castle - Dungeons  
(A sound of a new-born baby can be heard. The baby is lifted away from the mother by the midwife, Angie.)  
Brittany: Is it a girl?  
Angie: Yes.  
Brittany: Show me its arm.  
Angie: She bears the mark.  
(Other women in nearby cages cringe at this news.)  
Mother: (sobbing) No!  
(A druid walks over to Brittany as she comes out of the mother's cell.)  
Brittany: The omen is true. I must tell my mother.  
(She walks off, followed by the druid. In the cell the mother of the baby looks to Angie for help.)  
Mother: Please help me!  
Angie: I can't.  
Mother: They're going to kill her!  
(Angie continues to hesitate. She looks at the baby, whose red hair matches that of the mother's, and then places it in a basket of clothes and rags. She covers the baby up so it won't be seen. Funnily enough the baby makes no noise as this is done.)  
Mother: Oh thank you, Ethna, thank you!  
(Angie says nothing as she exits the cell. She has barely gone 5 feet when Queen Li arrives with several guards and more druids. Death Dogs can be heard barking in the background.)  
Guard: Stand aside for Queen Bavmorda!  
(Angie quickly obeys, and bows deeply over the basket of clothes. After the group as passed she hurries from the castle.)

Scene 3: Cell  
(Li enters and looks around. The mother holds tightly to a bundle of clothes shaped like a baby.)  
Mother: You cannot stop the prophecy!  
Li: This child will have no power over me. (To Druid) Start the ritual.  
(Li grabs the bundle from the mother.)  
Mother: No! No!  
Li: Where's the baby?  
Brittany: The midwife!  
Li: Find that baby, Sorsha! Use the Dogs. Bring her back to me alive!  
Mother: Your reign of terror is at an end! She will come back and she will finish you!  
Guard: Silence, wench!  
Mother: My baby will finish you!  
Li (calmly to Guard): Kill her.

Scene 4: Various shots of Angie (dressed in get-up a-la Gandalf) fleeing with the baby (an electronic toy) from the Death Dogs (indicated by off-the-screen barking, obviously pre-recorded). Sadly, Angie's acting is only so-so, so the result is something akin to her taking a cross-country jog rather than fleeing for life.

Scene 5: Angie is sitting at a bonfire together with the baby. Suddenly she looks around with a "deer-in-headlights" looks and runs off with the baby (a few seconds before the "Death Dogs" barking, a recording starts to play).

Angie runs off into the woods, when suddenly she slips and falls face first into a small gurgling stream. The baby in her hands goes flying down the river where it sinks with some crackling sounds.

Several moments pass, then Angie looks up into the camera.

Angie: So where are the dogs? Aren't they supposed to kill me?

Ms. Li (O.S., wearily): Due to the events in the last film, no dog owner wants to have any business with LHFC! So we'll have to do with sound recordings and what not.

Mrs. Bennett (O.S.): Now, get your baby back and we'll try again. (Pause) Where is it?

Angie: I think it's over there... (Draws off, as she realizes that she's pointing at a patch of water that is foaming and crackling for some reason)

Ms. Li: Young lady - HIT THE DECK!

Angie falls face down into the mud, and at that moment there's any explosion underwater, sending a gusher into the sky, and a wave all over Angie's head.

Ms. Li (O.S.): Cut!

Scene 5b: Angie is back at the bonfire, looking worse for wear (and more like an actual fugitive and less like a Gandalf groupie).

Ms. Li (O.S. in an instructional tone): ... you got it? _First_ wait for the barking, _then_ flee to the stream, make an impromptu raft, put the baby on it, set it off, and only _then_ fall into the mud. Got it?

Angie: Yeah, I got it.

Ms. Li (O.S.): And action!

Barking starts "in the distance". Angie looks around, grabs the baby, and runs off the stream. She makes an impromptu raft out of twigs, puts the baby on it - and it sinks.

Angie: Oops! (Pulls the baby back out, but it zaps her with electricity, and she drops it, staggering away. The baby, meanwhile, falls back into the water and explodes, sending a geyser of muddy water which smashes into Angie's back and topples her onto the ground.)

Angie (weakly): Ouch!

Scene 5c: Angie and yet another baby are sitting at a bonfire. Now Angie's get-up looks really messed-up (and therefore genuine). Her scared look is also genuine, for she had experienced two explosions, and her hands got singed, too.

Ms. Li (O.S.): ...now when you get to the stream, you'll find the raft there - Clare DeFoe and Mr. DeWitt-Clinton has promised that - put the baby there, and drop dead - eh, figuratively speaking, of course. Got it?

Angie: (spasmically nods in agreement).

Ms. Li: (O.S.) And - action!

The pre-recording barking begins. In a speed worthy of an Olympic record, Angie jumps up, grabs the baby, flees along the path, reaches the stream, sees the handmade raft, puts, the baby on it, pushes the raft downstream, and drops almost dead from exhaustion.

The raft with the baby floats out of the view.

Ms. Li (O.S.): Cut! We did at last. Now somebody get that baby before it-

(There's an explosion, and some more dirty water splashes Angie's head as she begins to sob.)

Scene 6: The River  
(The raft with yet another baby toy stops at some rural settings. Two kids [Tad and Tricia Gupty] look at it, then Tad rushes off.)  
Tad: Dada! Dada!

Scene 7: Ufgood Farm  
(Michael Ufgood is ploughing his field. He is helped in this chore by a very large pig.)

Mack (in O.S. direction): I thought we couldn't get anymore animals after the "Crocodile Hunter" fiasco?

Bennett (O.S.): Oh, that's our pig now. Its' owner sold it to us, claiming that it was past its prime already, and was going to be slaughtered anyways, so- (gets cut-off, probably by Ms. Li.)

(Embarrassed silence, then-)  
Tad: Dada! Dada!  
Mack: (to the pig, which doesn't move at all, but acts as if it was stuffed) Whoa! Whoa!  
(Tad runs up to him and grabs his hand.)  
Tad: Dada! Dada! We found the clone in the river!  
Mack (wearily): Tad, I told you before: just because there are a large number of these toys _and_ they tend to explode very quickly, they are not the replicants from the d20 Modern Role-playing game! (Pauses, then gets into character) I can't run off and play with you now, Tad! I've got work to do!  
Tad: You've got come! Hurry! Before it explodes!  
(The two look at each other for a moment, then run downstream)

Scene 8: the riverbank  
(Mack and Tad run-up and see Tricia holding the toy baby.)  
Mack: Don't go near it! We don't know where it's been.  
Tricia: But Dada, it's a baby!  
Tad: No, it's not! Trish, it's a replicant, and it's probably infected with the puppeteers too!

(Pause)

Mack & Tricia: Tad! Get your mind out of the game!

Tad: Sorry, Mack Daddy.

Mack: Don't call me that. And besides, we're not keeping it, because it's not a Nelwyn. Looks like a Daikini baby!  
Tad: What's a Daikini?  
Mack: Daikinis are big - giants, who live far away.

Tad: You mean like the ogres from D&D game?  
(The baby grins up at them.)  
Tricia: Oh, she's so cute! (Pause) Unlike these ogres in the D&D game!  
Tad: Actually, in Dragonlance there are some proto-ogres that are pretty nifty... (Pause, gets back into character) Can't we keep it, Dada?  
Mack: No. We'll push it downstream, and forget we ever saw it! Come on.  
CG: (O.S.) Ufgood! Michael Ufgood!  
Mack: Shhh! It's the Coach! I mean the Prefect! That's all I need. Keep it quiet! Don't touch it!

Scene 9: (Ufgood Farm)  
(Mack quickly makes his way back to the field. Coach Gibson is stomping over to Mack, followed by Jodie, Mack's girlfriend, who is playing his wife.)  
Jodie: Coach - I mean Mister Burglekutt! My husband hasn't stolen anything!  
Gibson: Baahhh! Humbug! Not a penny he shall receive until I-

Ms. Li (O.S.): Gibson! This isn't the Christmas Carol!

Gibson: Oh. Sorry. (pauses) So, where was I?  
(Mack quickly takes his place behind the plough and acts as if nothing is going on. This is hard to do, seeing as Gibson pulls out the script and starts reading it.)

Gibson: Don't lie to me Li! This _is_ the script for our annual Christmas Carol school play!

Ms. Li (O.S.): What? Who was responsible for the script distribution? Miss Rowe?

Stacy (O.S.): Eep! I didn't... it was all messed-up... I didn't...

Ms. Li (O.S., wearily): Somebody, get Gibson a new _proper_ script while everybody takes a breather.

Scene 9a (continued)  
Gibson (after finally getting the right script): Ufgood! You still haven't paid your debts to me. (grabbing a handful of seeds from a sack in a cart) Where did you get these seeds?  
Mack: From the inventory... (gets into character) Well...maybe I used magic!  
Gibson: (chuckling, but he drops the seeds back into the cart - nobody knows what Stacy Rowe has done to the inventory in this case) You're no sorcerer, Ufgood. You're a clown. I sell the plant seeds around here. (pauses) Why, if I didn't know what kind of seeds Stacy Rowe got you, I'd throw them in your face!

Ms. Li (O.S.): Gibson, don't improvise!

Gibson (pauses): Now tell me where you got them!  
Mack: (throwing an arm around Jodie) My family's been gathering them in the forest since last fall. There's no law against that, Coach... I mean, Mr. Burglekutt!  
(The children can be heard laughing in the distance.)  
Jodie: Mack! You didn't leave them alone by the river? What if the doll blows up?  
(Jodie hurries toward the sound of the children. Mack is bothered by this, but can't really do anything to prevent it.)  
Gibson: (pointing his finger at Mack) Magic? You'll need magic if you expect to get your planting done before the rains start. (pauses) Now go and help your girlfriend before the damn toy does blow-up!

Ms. Li (O.S.): Gibson!

Gibson: Sorry. (Grabs Mack's shirt and drags him up until they are face to face, which isn't far, and they _are_ acting, as everybody can see.)  
Gibson: I will have this land, Ufgood, and you're going to end up working in the mines. (pause) Now go and save the kids and your girlfriend from the damn doll!  
(As Ms. Li starts to yell at Gibson, Mack hurries back to Jodie and the Gupty kids)

Scene 10: The riverbank  
(Mack arrives only to find that Jodie has picked up the baby and is now holding it. She is seated and the children are looking over her shoulder at the baby.).  
Jodie (not very convincingly): You're lovely. Yes you are.  
Mack (stopped in his tracks by the horror of it all): Kiaya!  
Jodie (looking up at him, trying to look joyful about the doll in her arms): Oh, Willow!  
(She turns her attention back to the baby as Mack takes a step forward.)  
Mack (gesturing forcefully): Jodie, put the damn doll down before we end-up like poor Angie - or worse!

Jodie: Relax, the doll isn't wet, it won't blow-up!

Tad: Yeah! It'll just burst-open and release the puppeteers to infest the whole village!  
(Jodie just groans and begins to make her way back to their cottage.)  
Jodie: (to the Gupty children) Come on then. Come on. Come on. Come on.

Tricia: Eh, why are you saying that? Once was enough!

Jodie: Er, I don't know. It's in the script.

Tricia: Why?

Ms. Li (O.S.): None of your damn business.  
Mack (valiantly trying to steer the conversation back to the script): Hey! I will not be ignored! (everybody just looks at him) What, it's part of the script (still in role) Tricia? Tad?  
(The quartet leaves.)

Scene 11: the Ufgood farm.  
(Mack looks into the cottage from outside. Inside, he sees Jodie who is seemingly preparing to give the doll a bath.)

Mack (loudly and frantically): Jodie! No!

(Startled, Jodie drops the doll. Into a bath tab partially filled with water. She and Mack exchange glances and run like Hell. Behind them, the doll blows and the entire cottage shakes.)

Jodie: Mack, what're you thinking?

Mack (sheepishly): Sorry. It's just that the coach has sort of hyped me up about it blowing up...

Ms. Li (O.S.): Cut! Everybody take a break! And Gibson, if I ever hear you talking about that doll, I won't be responsible for my actions, you saboteur! Got that?

Gibson (also sheepishly): Yes.

Scene 11a: the Ufgood farm.

(Mack, Jodie and the Gupty kids are sitting outside of it though, since inside is a little bit messy after the explosion. They have a new doll, though)  
Jodie: Willow, do you think we should take her to the village council?  
Mack: No! No, they'll think it's a bad omen! There'll be a flood or a drought, and everyone'll blame me for it! (mockingly :) "Willow Ufgood brought 'round that Daikini, didn't he? That's right, and he's that lousy farmer, too! Let's get him! Aaahhhh!"  
Jodie: (chuckling) Mack, you are such a ham!

Mack: What?

Jodie: I mean, calm down!  
Mack: Calm down? Kiaya, tomorrow's my big day!  
Jodie: Love, the High Alvin hasn't picked a new apprentice in years.

Mack: That's _Aldwin_, honey.

Jodie: It is? (checks the script) Oh yeah. (pauses) I must've been thinking of Alvin and the Chipmunks.

Ms. Li (O.S.): Miss Landon! Mr. Mackenzie! Don't get side-tracked!  
Mack: Tomorrow's going to be different. I just know he's going to pick me!  
Suddenly the doll begins to vibrate. Everybody on the set freezes.)

Ms. Li (O.S.): Flee, you fools!

(The four teens flee, but instead of exploding, the doll just self-combusts and burns down to ashes.)

Bennett (O.S.): Well, this is new!

Ms. Li (O.S.): Shut up!

Bennett (O.S.): Look, I told you it was an insanity buying so much discarded Japanese dollies!

Ms Li (O.S., hastily): Well, at least I didn't buy an aged boar! What are we supposed to do with it afterwards? Pass it for our new mascot?

Bennett (O.S., coldly): No, use it to diversify the school menu!

Ms. Li (O.S., really angry now): And infest half of our students and staff with salmonelosis and possible parasites? I don't think so!

Ted (O.S.): Uh, the camera is still rolling, you know?

Ms. Li (O.S.): Miss Landon! Mr. Mackenzie! Take your co-workers and get back on stage! Now!

Scene 11b: the Ufgood farm

(Jodie is trying to pass to Mack yet another doll. Mack is looking at it with a primed look, while Tad and Tricia watch them from a safe distance.)  
Jodie: Here.  
Mack: (with his hands in the air) Hey, no!  
Jodie: Hold her!  
Mack: I don't want to, Kiaya!  
Jodie: Hold her while I get some milk!

Mack: What for? It's a doll!  
(She manages to get Mack to take the baby.)  
Mack: Oh, no, no, ohhh...  
(As Mack looks down at the baby he notices that something is amiss. He gazes at the doll for a long moment.)  
Tricia: Mack Daddy, are you okay? (gets into character) I mean, she likes you!  
Mack: That's 'cause somebody removed the batteries!

Ms. Li (O.S.): What? They run on batteries?

Bennett (O.S., nervously): Cut?

Scene 12: the time lapses.  
(The next morning Mack walks away from the house. He kisses Jodie, who is holding the baby, and continues on his way.)  
Mack: Come on, kids! Let's go!  
(The kids run after him as Jodie waves.)

Scene 13: the village.  
(There is a great festival going on in the village. Mack is now onstage performing some magic tricks. Mack places a small hollow log over his arm. Tad, who his is assistant for this stunt, hands him a stick with it's tip on fire.)  
Mack: Thank you, son. (dramatically) If you're easily shocked, please turn away!  
(He takes the fire stick and thrusts it through a hole in the log, and his arm. He moves it back and forth. The crowd gasps in surprise, even Gibson. Mack withdraws the stick, blows the flame out, removes the log from his arm, and shows that he is not harmed. He and Tad take a bow. Elsewhere in the festival, the village's best warrior is at a fruit stand.)  
Kevin: Give me a ripe one. (he receives one) Good.  
(As the band continues to play, a young couple kisses. Cut back to Mack who is now holding a baby pig.)  
Mack: And now! For my final amazing feat, I will make this entire pig...disappear! (Suddenly, the piglet is struck with extreme diarrhea - it's just like the baby kangaroo and Jane.) Stacy!

Stacy (O.S., frantic): It wasn't my fault! I didn't touch it!

Bennett (O.S.): Uh, I think this is my fault. I should've warned you not to squeeze its' tummy!

Ms. Li (O.S., suspicious): Bennett, just how much livestock did you buy?

Bennett (O.S., almost as frantic as Stacy): Only the necessities! _And_ I **rented** the horses!

Ted (O.S.): Uh, the camera is still on.

Ms. Li (O.S.): Cut! And - take five! (pause) And Ted - you're on!

Scene 13a: the village.  
(And we're back to the stage. The audience watches with anticipation. All, that is, except for Gibson. Tad is now on the sidelines with Tricia. Mack drapes a blanket over the pig.)  
Tad: (to Tricia) See?  
(Mack lifts the covered pig up.)  
Mack: Please watch very closely. Whuppity bairn, deru, deru! (He whips the blanket off and the pig is gone.)  
Man: What happened to your pig?  
(Mack is very happy with the audience's reaction, but his eyes widen in alarm as the little pig runs out from beneath the table. He tries to catch it as the crowd begins to laugh.)  
Mack (to the pig): Hey! Come here, you!  
Gibson (turning away): I've seen enough!  
(Mack sits down, dejected. A sudden fanfare heralds the arrival of the High Aldwin - Timothy O'Neill.)  
A Drama class student (on the main stage): Attention! The High Aldwin will now make his choice for a new apprentice! Bring forth the hopefuls!  
(As Mack makes his way to the stage, his best friend, Ted shakes his hand.)  
Ted (in his ordinary voice): You'll be OK. You'll be fine. Good luck.  
Tad: Good luck, Dada.  
(Mack walks up the steps with the other candidates. Gibson sees him and laughs.)  
Gibson (loud and mocking): Willow Ufgood? A hopeful? How'd he get picked? Is this a joke?  
(Mack shoots Gibson a dirty look, but keeps quiet. The High Aldwin also give Gibson a look, and then faces the would-be apprentices.)  
O'Neill (sounding like he was back in his self-esteem class): Magic is the bloodstream of the universe. Forget all you know, or think you know. All that you require is your intuition. (he holds up his hand with fingers outstretched) The power to control the world is in which finger?  
(The first hopeful pulls to the High Aldwin's middle finger.)

O'Neill: Yeow! That's not it!

(The hopeful hangs his head. The second hopeful pulls the High Aldwin's index finger.)

O'Neill: Yeow! That's not it either!

(The second hopeful looks very disappointed. The High Aldwin moves on to Mack. Mack hesitates as he looks at the remaining fingers. He looks down at his own hand for a second before finally choosing the High Aldwin's ring finger.)

O'Neill (screaming like he was being cut alive): No apprentice this year! And you were supposed to point at my fingers, not pull them!  
(The crowd laughs, as the music picks up again and the festival continues. A very depressed Mack walks slowly off the stage. Suddenly a loud howl of a Death Dog stops the music - and it's not a recording.)

Ms. Li (O.S.): Diane? What have you done?

Bennett (O.S., trying to sound more confident then she feels): I, ah, bought a dog for just such an emergency.

Ms. Li (O.S.): Quit acting like Foghorn Longhorn and tell me the name of the dog's breed!

Bennett (O.S.): Philo-braziliero.

Ms. Li (O.S., explodes): What?

Daria (O.S., flatter than usual): We're in trouble.

(The Death Dog's "actor" bursts into the village - and it fits its' role much more so than any human actor does. The dog looks like a baby Loch Ness monster with four legs. The crowd, naturally, is thrown into a panic as people run for safety. Mack runs over to Ted and Tad.)  
Mack: Where's Mims?  
Ted: I don't know! She was right here!  
Mack: (pointing) Take Ranon in there, quick!  
(The Death Dog runs through the village. Tricia is standing on a lower stage crying with fright. Mack runs through the crowds looking for her.)  
Mack: Mims! Mims!  
(Mack spots her and his eyes widen in panic. He runs over to her.)  
Tricia: (crying) Mama! Dada! Help!  
Mack: Mims!  
(He grabs her hand and leads her to a hiding place. The Death Dog jumps into a corral, which had been set up as a nursery, and starts to tear apart a crib - only chips and slivers fly through the air. Kevin gets thrown into the corral.)  
Kevin: Mack! Everybody! Help!  
(Naturally, nobody wants to help him. The dog, however, stops breaking the empty crib and turns to Kevin looking as mean as the Minotaur. That does it, as Kevin turns around and flees. The dog chases him, and the two of them vanish in the distance. As the actors slowly come out of hiding, Tad runs over to Mack.)  
Tad: Mack Daddy!  
(Mack hugs him. Ted holds up the pieces of the crib)  
Ted (puzzled): It was looking for somebody's baby.

Somebody: Not kidding, Einstein?  
(A young mother glances at her baby then turns to look at her husband, who pulls her into his arms. Tricia looks up at her father with tearstained eyes.)  
Tricia (faintly): Mama!  
Mack (with genuine fear - he has seen the dog): Kiaya!  
(He races through the village to his cottage.)

Scene 14: the Ufgood Farm.  
(Mack bursts through the door. It's completely silent and Jodie is nowhere to be seen. Furthermore, the interior is rather ruined and smoking, from the explosion in scene 12)  
Mack (terrified): Jodie! Jodie!  
(Jodie walks past the bedroom doorway with the baby in her arms.)  
Jodie: I'm here. What's wrong  
(Mack moves over to her as Jodie lays the baby on the bed, and then hugs her.)  
Mack: Oh, Jodie. Ms. Bennett has dug-up such a monster for a dog that those exploding dolls are nothing compared to it! (pauses, then gets back into character) We can't keep the baby, Kiaya. We have to take her to the village council.  
(Jodie nods in agreement.)

Scene 15: the village council.  
(The whole village is present.)  
Gibson: Silence! One beast we can (pauses, thinking of a proper word, then settling on) lead away, but there may be more! And you can be assured that they won't give up until they find what they're looking for! (pauses) Does anybody has any idea what are they looking for?

Ms. Li (O.S.): Gibson! Don't deviate!  
(During Gibson's speech Mack and his family enter the barn. Mack is carrying the baby. Just as Mack feared, the villagers are looking for someone to blame.)  
Joey: It's a sign!  
Jeffy: Who's to blame for this?  
Jamey: We must find the culprit and throw him in the pit!  
Crowd: Yeah! The pit! (chanting) In the pit! In the pit! In the pit! In the pit!... (begin to sing and dance rather out of tune, but with plenty of enthusiasm)  
(Mack exchanges a glance with Jodie and they begin to make their way back out of the nuthouse. The High Aldwin-O'Neill [sprouting a bandaged hand now] spots him.)  
High Aldwin: Willow! Willow Ufgood. Come forward.  
(No reaction. The crowd is making too much noise for anybody to hear anything, especially one of Mr. O'Neill's soft-spoken statements. And he has no personality to enforce his statements, either. Finally, Gibson takes pity on him.)

Gibson (in his coach's voice): Hey, every one of you monkeys, SHUT UP!

Ms. Li (O.S. equally loudly): STOP IMPROVISING, EVERYBODY!

(At those yells the crowd falls silent. They all turn to look at Mack as he makes his way forward with the baby.)  
Mack: My children found this baby alone by the river, High Aldwin.  
(He lays the baby down. O'Neill bends down for a closer look. He quickly looks back up at the crowd, his gaze filled with horror.)  
O'Neill: It's one of them explosive dolls!

(Everybody flees in panic.)

Ms. Li (O.S., shrieking): O'Neill!

Scene 15a: the village council  
Gibson (reading from a script): That's what the beasts want! Let's give it back to them!  
Crowd: Yeah! Give it back!  
Mack (to Gibson): You can't do this! We'll be sued by that prevention cruelty to animals' society!  
Gibson (to O.S.): He's got a point, Angela!

Ms. Li (O.S.): Mr. Mackenzie! Gibson! Stick to the script!

O'Neill (still studying the baby): Everybody, relax. It's been de-activated. Let's just take it outside the village and dump it on the crossroads  
Man: Well, who'll do that?  
O'Neill opens his mouth to speak but is cut off by Gibson.  
Gibson (still reading from the script): It seems only fair that the man to take this baby to the crossroads be the very man who plucked it out of the river. I nominate Willow Ufgood! (pauses) Angela, you daft? He's the captain of the football team! We can't risk him getting eaten by your newest pet monster!

Ms. Li (O.S.): Gibson, stop deviating! And, this is not my monster; Diane bought it on her own!

Gibson (sarcastically): Sure, like every other rottweiller, pit bull, and other rejects from Cujo! Sure!  
Jodie (interrupting): No! (Everybody stares at her.) What? It's in my script.

O'Neill (timidly): Ah, speaking of scripts and just of speaking...

Gibson (in his coach voice): Everybody shut up! O'Neill's about to speak!  
O'Neill: I will consult the bones!  
(The crowd falls silent as the he pours out the bones onto the ground. He kneels down to examine how they fell, and Mack kneels down as well.)  
O'Neill (quietly to Mack): The bones tell me nothing.

Mack: Well, duh! This isn't one of them role-playing games that Tad's been talking about! (pauses) Oh, this is part of the script? Just ignore what I said and go on.  
O'Neill (still whispering): Do you have any love for this child?  
(Mack stares at him.)  
Mack: Are you daft? The clones of this doll... I mean other dolls have tried to kill me! (pauses) Oh, the script again. (pauses) Then yes, I do.  
O'Neill: (standing, he turns to the crowd) The bones have spoken! Willow Ufgood, the safety of this village depends upon you.  
Gibson: Well, duh! (pauses, takes out the script) I mean, praise the bones  
(Jodie looks destroyed at this news. Mack picks up the baby with a grim look in his eye.)  
O'Neill: But you'll need help. Who has the courage to protect our brave fellow on his journey?  
Ted (stepping forward): I'll go with him.  
(Mack gives a nod of thanks.)  
Gibson: Ah. Ted. Excellent choice.  
Kevin (appearing suddenly): I'll go.  
Gibson (genuinely surprised): Kevin? Weren't you running from the dog? Where is it?

Kevin: Ah...

(Suddenly, the dog bursts onto the scene, looking very angry, and lunges forwards. Everybody scatters, but Mack throws the doll into the dog's muzzle. The dog catches it in mid-air... and trots off screen... where it delivers to dog to Ms. Li.)

Gibson (sarcastically): It's all Diane's fault, eh, Angela?

Ms. Li (acidly): It's not my fault that _all_ dogs like me, Mr. "I've got the best butterfly collection in Lawndale"!

(An embarrassed pause.)

O'Neill (timidly): Uh, can we get to the script now?

Joey (genuinely confused): What for? The doll is gone, right?

Ted: Uh, they are like the soldiers in Star Wars. You get rid of one, and another one pops-up in its' place.

Joey: Oh man! Star Wars! Nobody said that Mack Daddy will go against Darth Vader!

Ms. Li: EVERYBODY STICK TO THE SCRIPT! THERE'S NO DARTH VADER! GIBSON, READ YOUR SCRIPT!  
Gibson: No! Not Vohnkar! He's the best warrior in the village! We need him here! Vohnkar, step back!  
(There's a lot of laughter as Kevin eagerly steps back from where he stood [he hadn't moved forwards to being with].)  
O'Neill (consulting _his_ script): All this expedition needs is a leader. And according to the bones, that leader is...you, Burglekutt!  
Gibson (looks at the script, then shrugs.): Vohnkar!

Scene 16: the next day.  
(The members of the expedition are gathered together, saying good-bye to family members and friends.)  
O'Neill (putting a hand on Mack's shoulder): What's your problem, son?  
Mack (grouchily): Besides starring in this travesty? (pauses) Right. The script. Er... what do you mean?  
O'Neill: When I held up my fingers, what was your first impulse?  
Mack (reading the script): Well, it was stupid.

O'Neill: Just tell me.  
Mack: To pick my own finger.  
O'Neill: Aha! That was the correct answer! You lack faith in yourself. More than anyone in the village, you have the potential to be a great sorcerer. Now, when you're out there, listen to your own heart. (handing three small objects to Mack) These will protect you.  
Mack (genuinely puzzled): Mr. O'Neill what are they?

O'Neill (surprised and thrown off balance): Acorns?

Mack: None that _I_ have seen!

Ted (looking over): Actually, these are walnuts

Mack (irritated): Stacy!

Sandi (O.S., also irritated): What? Where'd you expect us to find acorns in Lawndale? There aren't any oaks to begin with! Leave Stacy alone! It's not her fault that she is incompetent: if I deem her to be competent enough to be my - I mean, our club's - secretary, then she's competent enough for you!

Ms. Li (O.S., irritated): Stick to the script people!

O'Neill (leafs through the script, finds where they deviated): Ah, here we are... They're magic! Anything you throw them at turns to stone! (Mack takes the acorns and puts then in his pocket.) You have much to learn, young Ufgood.

Joey: Dude! O'Neill's just like Kenobi!

Tad: Nah-uh! He's more like Merlin!

Joey: Merlin? Who's that?

Tad: You know, he advised King Arthur.

Joey: You mean the guy who pulled that sword from the stone? Cool! (pauses) Hey, King Arthur never threw any acorns at anyone!

Tad: No, but Merlin could've. Those wizards are tricky, you know!

Ms. Li (O.S., acidly): People stick to the script!  
(Mack gives O'Neill a pat on the shoulder and then walks over to his family.)  
Tricia: Are you scared, Mack Daddy?

Mack: No, and don't call me Mack Daddy  
Tad (walks over, reading from the script): Even with fairies in the woods that'll put you to sleep for a hundred years? (pauses) Who wrote this idiocy? Everybody knows that to do that the fairies will need to transport-  
Mack: Tad, stick to the script! (Leafs through his own) Doesn't bother me!  
Tad: Brownies?  
Tricia: Dragons?  
Tad: Trolls? Trolls that'll skin you alive and take your face off?  
Mack (sarcastically): Oh my! This is a rip-off - of the "Wizard of Oz"! (Leafs back through the script) Ranon! You know I hate trolls!  
Tad: I can be your guard, and carry your spear.  
Tricia: Me too, me too, Mack Daddy.  
Mack (smiling): Forget it! I will not listen to any more D&D hype from you! I mean (leafs through the script) practically the same thing, only more nicely said. Oh, and I'm supposed to give you a hug.

Tad: Nah, we'll leave without that.  
Tricia: Good-bye, Mack Daddy.  
Mack: Don't call me that!  
(The Gupty children wander off leaving Jodie and Mack alone. Jodie adjusts the papoose that Mack is carrying on his back, which has the baby in it.)  
Jodie: (smiling but sad) Remember to keep it away from the water - and I've kept the straps loose if you'll need to through it away. (Mack turns to face her.) I miss you already.  
Mack: Don't worry, Kiaya. I'll be fine. And I'll be back before you know it. (pauses) Unless the immediate doll blows me to kingdom come, or Ms. Li and Mrs. Bennett have another dog in the wings.  
Jodie: Well...remember to keep warm. And... (pauses and looks determinedly) this'll bring you luck. (Kisses him on the cheek.)

Ms. Li (O.S., shocked): Miss Landon!

Mack (acidly): Well, it is in the script. In fact... (gives Jodie a BIG kiss on the lips. Wolf whistles abound.)

Ms. Li (O.S., shocked): Mr. Mackenzie!

Gibson: What? You owe him that much, at least, for starring him in your travesty, Li!  
O'Neill (timidly, flapping his script): Gibson?

Gibson (sighing): YO, MONKEYS! O'NEILL IS SPEAKING AGAIN!

O'Neill: Good brave people! The outer world is no place for a Nelwyn. Give the baby to the first Daikini you see, then hurry home. (he bends down and picks up a rock) Tuatha! Lokawthrok! Tuatha! (He tosses the rock into the air and it falls on his head.) Ouch! (looks at the script) Uh, go in the direction the bird is flying!

Kevin: Mr. O'Neill dude! It fell on your head! Does that mean we should whack you on the head too?  
Gibson: Kevin, that's the best idea I've ever heard from you!  
O'Neill (frantically, and not totally acting): Ignore the bird! Follow the river!  
Tad: Company, move!

Mack: Nice try Tad. You're still staying here.

Tad: Damn!  
(The band takes off for places unknown.)

Scene 17: the forest.  
Mack (stopping): Hold on, Ted.  
Ted: What's wrong?

Mack: Did anyone take the batteries out of _this_ doll?

Ted: No.

(The doll has begun to vibrate and crackle with electricity.)  
Mack (calling to the others): We have to stop!  
Kevin: Stop? Why?  
(In reply Mack hurriedly pulls the doll out of his pack, and throws it away. In mid-flight, the doll bursts into flame.)  
Gibson (furious): Are you trying to kill our football captain, Li?

(The others, meanwhile, are still staring at the burning doll.)

Joey: Dude, you sure that these dolls aren't out to get you?

Tad and Tricia (O.S., sing-song): Replicants, replicants, puppeteers, puppeteers!  
Mack (to everyone in general): Tad and Tricia shut up. Ms. Li - just give me the next damn doll!

Scene 18: the Nockmaar Castle - Throne Room.  
(Brittany stands before her mother wearing armour.)  
Li: I didn't ask you to bring me a dead nursemaid. Brittany, you're useless!  
Brittany: I'm backtracking Ethna's trail. I'll find where she hid the baby.  
(The doors behind her opens and a man walks in wearing a skull mask.)  
Li: Ah, General Kael, at last!  
Robert: My queen! I have destroyed the castle at Galladoorn!  
Li: Well done. But now I have another task for you. Help Sorsha find that tiny, helpless baby that continues somehow to elude her!  
Robert (lifting up his mask): Aren't you in charge of the warehouse where all the dolls are?

Ms. Li (glaring): Robert, script!

Robert: The baby of the prophecy? The one that will destroy you?  
Li: I need that baby alive. I must perform the ritual that will exile the child's spirit into oblivion. Find her!

Brittany: I don't need his help!  
Li: You'll do as I say, child.  
(Brittany puts her helmet back on with a bit of resentment. Robert smiles and follows her out of the room. One of the Druids approaches the Queen.)  
Druid: I read the signs. One day, I fear, she will betray you.  
Li: I trust her loyalty more than I trust yours.

Scene 19: the forest.  
(Our little Nelwyn caravan is taking a break. Suddenly the recording of dogs' barking can be heard in the distance. The recording of horses can also be heard.)  
Kevin: Uh, what are we supposed to do?

Mack (sarcastically): Kevin, I think Ms. Li's new doggy friend is coming to play with us.

(The group jumps into nearest bushes as two Nockmaar soldiers meet up with a third.)  
Nockmaar Soldier1: The Nelwyns have got the baby! We searched the village, but a group of them are on their own somewhere.  
Nockmaar Soldier2: They couldn't have gone far!  
Nockmaar Soldier1: Widen the search and report to Sorsha.  
(The soldiers go off in different directions. The Nelwyns shakily get to their feet.)  
Ted: Come. We'll keep to the woods. (pause) Though weren't there supposed to be dogs in this scene?

Bennett (O.S.): Budget cuts. Just follow the script, please!

Scene 20: the Daikini Crossroads.  
Kevin: That's it! It's the crossroads!  
(It's not a very nice place. They wind blows and you could hear a pin drop. There is no one around. Off to the side we can see two cages hanging off the ground on a scaffold. As the group gets closer Mack sees that one of the cages holds a skeleton. They slowly begin to make camp for the night.)  
Kevin (reading from the script, slowly): Keep this fire high. We don't know what's out there. (pause) This is dumb. I don't see anything out there; in fact-

Mack (wearily): Kevin, shut up and stop  
(Mack is holding the baby when a strange sound startles the entire group.)  
Ted: What was that?  
Kevin (reading from the script): Get the spears!  
(There are more strange sounds. The group shifts around nervously, looking for the origin of the sounds. Mack backs up towards the hanging cages. Suddenly somebody jabs him in the back, startled, he whirls around and sees...)

Mack (genuinely surprised): Upchuck? You're playing Kevin's part?

Upchuck: While Kevin is playing that part, yes.

Mack: Makes sense, I guess. (pause) Do I have a line to read right now?  
Upchuck (carefully moving away from Mack): No, it's my turn. (Reads from the script) Give me some water, peck, or you die.  
(Everybody laughs at Upchuck's ridiculous threat except for Kevin, who is confused.)

Kevin: Dude, isn't "peck" the sound a bird does when it bites you? Why are you saying it?

Upchuck (shrugs): Hey, it's part of the script, don't ask me. (pauses, re-starts to read from it) You understand? Water.  
Mack (half choked from laughter): Yeah.  
Upchuck: Hurry up!  
(The others ignore him.)  
Upchuck: Get me some water, you measly little pecks!  
Gibson (reading from his own script): It's a Daikini. We're in luck.  
Mack (forgetting himself): We can't give the doll to him!

Gibson: Why not? It's Ruttheimer - he-

Mack: Do you want his parents to sue us if he gets hurt?  
Ted (reading from the script): Somebody put him there for a reason!

(The others stare at Ted, before they remember about the script)  
Gibson (reading): Ufgood, we got get rid of her. Those soldiers are after us.  
Ted: Ssshh! He's looking right at us.  
(They all turn and see Upchuck grinning at them.)  
Kevin: We got give that doll to somebody. (pause) Why not to that ugly mutt, though? Then we wouldn't have to worry about the Iraqis stealing the doll and blowing the White House with it!

(Everybody looks at him)

Gibson (in a choked voice): Kevin, what are you talking about?

Kevin (in his usual blithely fashion): The Iraqis, man! They plan to conquer America or something, and if they get their hands on the doll and the secret codes it has inside - boom! We're history! Don't you read the news!

Mack (staring O.S. at Ms. Li, presumably): Ms. Li, maybe Upchuck should continue to play this big warrior guy, or maybe he and I should switch, 'cause, you know, Kevin it seems-

Kevin (interrupting): No way, man! I'm the QB, _I_ should be the one saving America in this movie! (pause) Hey, since Ms. Li is the evil guy, does that mean that we're fighting Red China, not Iraq? Or is Ms. Li an agent of Hussein?

Ms. Li (O.S., sounding really evil): Carlos, fetch the moron!

(The monstrous dog that Mrs. Bennett has caught appears on screen and charges at Kevin, who instantly flees for his life.)

Ms. Li (O.S., sounding rather like her character): Mr. Mackenzie, I will think about your advice. (pauses, then to someone else) Samantha, if you want Thompson to go for the track team, speak with Gibson about it. (pause) Mr. Mackenzie, Gibson, please continue with your act.  
Upchuck (after a pause): I'm somebody. Let me out of here; I'll take care of the baby.  
(He makes kissing sounds at the doll and it starts to crackle and vibrate.)

Mack (in a tired, desperate voice): Not again!

(The doll is thrown away and it burns down.)

Scene 20a: the Daikini crossroads.  
Gibson: I trust him completely.  
Mack: But he tried to strangle me! (Gibson gives him a look) Sir, read your script!  
Gibson: Oh, right. (reads his script) I want go home! (pauses) Angela, come on! I sound pathetic.  
Mack: No, Burglekutt! We should wait.  
Gibson (looking around): Out of curiosity, for what? This place looks worse than the state of Virginia in 1863!

(There is a pause.)

Ms. Li (O.S.): Gibson, stop improvising! _Read_ the script!

Gibson (reading from the script): Are you challenging my authority?  
Mack: Not really coach, no.

Ms. Li (O.S.): Mr. Mackenzie!

Mack: Right, the script. (reads the script) As far as this baby's concerned, yes.  
Upchuck: Don't listen to him, Burglekutt.  
Gibson (to Upchuck): You stay out of it, Charley. (to Mack) Fine. You stay here alone. But we're going! (pauses) Get serious, Li. Like I'd ditch my football captain here!

Ms. Li (O.S., irate): Quit improvising, Gibson!  
Upchuck (reading his lines, ignoring everything else): That's a bad idea. Very bad. Dangerous out there.  
Gibson (to Upchuck): Shut up!

Mack: Ms. Li, right now I should be addressing Kevin, but he's gone!

Ms. Li (O.S., wearily): Address Mr. DeWitt-Clinton, then!

Mack (shrugging): Ted!

Ted: Yeah?

(A confused silence)

Ms. Li (O.S.): Gibson, it's your line

Gibson (reading the line): It's not his decision!

Ted (genuinely confused): What's not my decision?

Gibson (equally confused): Don't ask me, nobody asked you to decide anything.

Ted: Then why was my name called-out?

Ms. Li (O.S., irate): Mr. Mackenzie, the next line.  
Mack (double-checking his next line, turning to face Ms. Li, O.S.): Ms. Li, I'm not calling the coach that!

Gibson: Calling me what? (looking over Mack's next line) I'm a what? Li, if this line fits, anybody, it's you!

Upchuck: Don't let him talk to you that way, Ms. Li!  
Gibson (to Upchuck): Shut up!

Ms. Li (marches onto the set still in her costume, and grabs Gibson by the collar): Listen here, Gibson. While you're wasting our time, our bills are not getting paid, and we may have to downsize several occupations. Think about it!  
Gibson (steam almost coming from his ears): Angela, I'm going to...  
Ms. Li: You're going to what?  
(Gibson has no answer and Ms. Li laughs in his face.)  
Gibson: Someday, Angela! Someday!

(Ms. Li snorts and marches off the set, as silence descends onto the set)  
Gibson (brusquely, to no one in particular): So, what's the line?

Ted: Well, Kevin should be asking me right now if I'm going or staying, and I should be saying that I'm staying, but Kevin's not here, so-

Ms. Li (O.S.) Gibson, read Thompson's line!

Gibson: Ted, are you coming?  
Ted (acting scared): I'm staying.  
Gibson: Ahh, come on men.  
(He and the warriors head out.)  
Upchuck (reading the lines and overacting badly): Burglekutt, let me out of here. I'll take care of the baby, I swear. Just let me out of here, please! Vohnkar let me borrow that spear just for a minute. Get...well, at least give me some water! Burglekutt, don't leave me alone with these two! Oooh!  
(Upchuck throws himself down in frustration as they leave without helping him. Mack and Ted stay close to the fire and the baby.)  
Ted: What do we do now, Willow?  
Upchuck: Well, that was really stupid, peck.  
Mack: Don't call me a peck.  
Upchuck: Oh, I'm sorry... peck... peck... peck peck peck peck peck! (pauses) Boy, don't I feel stupid!  
Mack: You are telling me! (reading the lines and pulling out an acorn) I am a powerful sorcerer. See this acorn? I'll throw it at you and turn you to stone.  
Upchuck: I don't think so, Mack Daddy. Remember, I've seen you with darts!

(Mack looks embarrassed)

Ted (trying to be helpful): Hey, I'm good at throwing things! Want me to throw the acorn at him instead?

Mack (startled): Uh, Ted

Tad (O.S.): Mack Daddy, relax. First Ted has to make a save to see if he hits Upchuck or misses. Then Upchuck gets to make a save against petrifaction. So-

Ms. Li (O.S.): Somebody, make him stop making this into a D&D RPG!

Mack (deciding to ignore both of them): Ted, I'm not supposed to throw the acorn at him, it's not in the script!

Ms. Li (O.S., sounding almost desperate): Next scene, now!

Scene 21: the next morning.  
(The next doll is lying in the papoose. Mack and Ted are pretending to be asleep by the side of the road. Suddenly a recording of a single horseman sounds.)  
Ted (gasps): What was that?  
Upchuck (drastically overacts the cleaning of his teeth): Morning, boys. Rough night last night, wasn't it? (Ted nods.) I don't think I introduced myself yesterday. My name is (checks the lines) Madmartigan. (pauses) Yeesh and I thought that _my_ actual nickname was bad. What kind of a name is that?

Ms. Li (O.S.): Mr. Ruttheimer, do not deviate from your lines!

Upchucks (checking the latter): Right. And you are, uh... (he sticks his hand out of the bars for a handshake.)  
(Ted walks towards him with a smile, but is stopped by Mack.)  
Mack: No, Meegosh! Don't go near him, he's dangerous.

Ted: Come on, it's Upchuck! And I know self-defense! How dangerous can he be?

Mack: Got me, _but_ this is in my lines!  
Upchuck: I am not.  
(They hear the sound of another horse.)  
Mack: Good!  
(He hurries over to the roads, then pauses.)

Mack: Ms. Li, why should I wave my arms? There are no horses, right?

Ted (adding): Unless somebody rides that big dog.

Upchuck (tuning in): But then we'd by playing Hobbit, and that's copyright infringement!

Ms. Li (O.S., irked by the mention of copyright infringement): Mr. Ruttheimer...

Bennett (O.S., interrupting Li): Ah, Angela, I took the liberty of-

Ms. Li (O.S., turning onto _her_): Diane, tell me that you _didn't_ buy a horse! We agreed that the school's budget-

Bennett: (O.S., sounding almost as nervous as Stacy): Uh, I didn't _buy_ _a_ _horse_!

(On the set appears a rider [Jeffy] on top of either a donkey or a hinny. His face red, he goes past Mack, Upchuck and Ted, and disappears. No one of the trio makes any move to stop them.)  
Mack (genuinely confused): What's going on?

Ms. Li (O.S.): That's what I like to now. Diane, what have you done? We agreed to rent a few horses-

Bennett: I, uh, rented 26 donkeys, 16 hinnys, and 18 mules. I did get a couple of horses - thrown together with that pig, so you can imagine their "conditions"...

Upchuck (to no one in particular): This is so pathetic, that it isn't even funny...

Bennett (O.S., turning defensive): Well, Angela, do you know how much a good horse costs? For all that money you gave me, I couldn't even rent half the number you asked!

Ms. Li (O.S., desperate and angry): Diane, if anything goes wrong, I'll... feed you to the dog!

(There's a sound of fainting.)

Ms. Li (O.S., talking to the boys): You three continue acting!  
Upchuck (hurriedly reading his lines): Smells like a battle.  
Mack: So _that's_ what smells?

Ted (confused): Is that your line?  
Upchuck (ignoring Mack): I am the greatest swordsman that ever lived.  
(Mack rolls his eyes and then goes to get a drink of water.)  
Upchuck: Say, uh... could I have some of that water? (Mack gives him a look and then takes a drink. Upchuck watches this and then promptly begins to fake cry, overacting badly.)  
Upchuck (faux-sobbing): I don't know why I try. (Mack begins walking towards him with the cup.) I guess I am going to die here. Who cares?

Jane (O.S.): Do you really want to know that?  
Mack (offering the water cup, and ignoring the snickers off the set): Here.  
Upchuck: Thanks, friend.  
(He grabs for the cup, but Mack backs up distracted by a sound on the road.)  
Mack: What's that?  
Upchuck (listening as well, and getting nervous): I'd say... it's that fine cavalry that Mrs. Bennett got for Ms. Li.

(The trio watches as the army approaches. It is indeed composed of most senior boys riding mules and donkeys and hinnys, riding by the camp. Mack tosses the cup to Upchuck, almost hitting him in the face, and then runs over to the baby.)  
Upchuck (rather sourly): Thank you.  
Mack: Come on, Ted.

Ted: Where to?

Mack: Just come and stand near me!  
(Upchuck isn't quick enough and he drops the cup. He begins licking the water off his fingers. Mack picks up the baby and walks closer to the road.)  
Mack: It's going to be all right, little bobbin. Everything's going to be all right. (to the nearest rider) Excuse me - sir?  
Soldier: Uh, Mack Daddy, can you move?  
Mack: Uh, pardon me? Uhh...  
(Mack exchanges a glance with Ted as the whole army ignores them. A horseman rides up and stops beside Upchuck's cage.)  
Mack: (to the rider) Excuse me, sir. (The rider looks at him) We found one of your babies in our village. Will you please take care of her?  
Kevin: (takes off helmet) We're going into battle, Mack Daddy! And this isn't my baby either! Find a girl to take care of her.

(Mack and Ted and Upchuck stare at Kevin)

Mack: Kevin, how'd you lose the dog?

Kevin: Oh, I just lost her in that room with the Christmas stuff. Why do you ask?

(Suddenly, with an ear-splitting howl, the dog appears. It has a green elf's cap on its' head, and it looks as mean as a barracuda. With another howl and growl it charges at the "army". Immediately, the other animals scatter in all directions, and chaos occurs!)

Ms. Li (O.S.): CUT!

Scene 21a: the next morning.

(The set has been put back into order. Most of the "soldiers" are now on foot, and there's only one cage present on the set. The actors look worse for wear, too.)  
Upchuck (Reading from the list, stuttering a bit): T-They thought you were a woman, Airk!  
Kevin (genuinely shocked): What? Who said that? If it was that cheerleader from Oakwood, complaining, the she's a liar!

(There's an embarrassed pause, then Brittany marches onto the set in her armour get-up.)

Brittany: Kevin, you cheater!

Kevin: Babe, I can explain! (Brittany kicks him in the ankle. With an armoured boot.)

Kevin: Yeowch! Why you little ###*?

Barch (O.S., furious): What'd you call her, you-

Mack (interrupting): Well, she did kick him into the ankle rather painfully.

Barch (O.S., ignoring Mack, to Ms. Li): Angela, are you going to have them get away with this?

Ms. Li (O.S., tiredly): Cut!

Scene 21b: the next morning.

(The set is still the same, only now Kevin got a bandage around his left ankle)

Kevin (reading the lines): Well... ha ha! Madmartigan! What'd you do this time?  
Upchuck: Nothing you wouldn't have done in my place.

Kevin: Eew, gross! You know - (furtive glance off the set) - that I'm loyal to Brittany!

Upchuck (almost kindly): Kevin, read the lines!  
Kevin (reading his lines): I always knew you'd end up in a crow's cage. (pause) Why would anyone want to cage a crow? They're ugly!

Ted (interrupting): But they're tasty!

Kevin (shocked): Dude, what are you talking about?

Ted (matter-of-fact): I and my dad shoot the crows each autumn and mom bakes them into pies, and they taste really good. Come on over sometime in the autumn and we'll give you some!

(There's a pause)

Daria (O.S.) Uh, Ms. Li is turning purple and is acting like a kettle boiling over, so get back to your lines!  
Upchuck (reading the lines): Well, at least I'm not down there herding sheep. What are you doing this far north? (pause) Though where's "down there" and what's "herding sheep" got to do with it is beyond my understanding.  
Kevin (reading): The Nockmaar army destroyed Galladoorn.  
Upchuck (dryly): No! Not with such a fine army!

(There's another pause)

Daria (O.S.): Upchuck! Read your lines or face Ms. Barch's wrath!

Upchuck (reading): The castle?  
Kevin: Ms. Li's troops are crushing everything in sight.  
Upchuck: Come on, let me out of here, Airk. Give me a sword. I'll win this war for you.  
Kevin: Upchuck. You? Winning a war? Get serious! Sit in there and rot. (he walks away with as much dignity as he has, which is not much.)  
Upchuck (overacting, but there's some genuine anger, too): Wait, Airk! You need me! I'll be around long after you're dead! When I get out of here I'm going to cut your head off and stick it on a pig pole!  
(Upchuck sits back down in his cage.)  
Mack: I miss Kiaya and the bobbins.  
Ted: We're running out of food. (pauses) We are?  
Upchuck (ignoring Ted): Nobody's going to take care of that baby. You know why? Nobody cares. (sees that they are listening) Except me. You want to go back to your families. I want out of this cage. Let me take care of that baby, I'll look after her like she was my own.  
Ted: I believe he would, Willow. How hard it is to look after a doll?  
Mack (ignoring Ted too): He doesn't know anything about babies.  
Upchuck: Right, but I know a lot of women who do. If I had somebody in my life... a little daughter, perhaps... I might have a reason to go on living. You can't leave me in here to die. Not when all I want to do is protect her.  
(Mack is still doubtful since the words aren't really sincere. Upchuck suddenly falls out of the cage as it finally falls apart after all that stampeding around. Upchuck quickly gets up and looks at the other two.)  
Upchuck: Well, that was... unexpected. So do I get the kid or what?  
Ted: Mack Daddy?

Mack: Don't call me that! (pause, gets back into character) You've got promise to feed her!  
Upchuck: Come to Daddy, little darling'!  
Mack: And keep her clean!  
Upchuck: Absolutely! (He takes the baby from Mack and spins her around.) Wheee! She likes me. (The doll begins to vibrate and crackle, so Upchuck throws it away, off the set, not really looking.)

Kevin (O.S., really loudly and in pain): My LEGGG!

Ms. Li (O.S., as Kevin appears on the set, and begins to limp after the fleeing Upchuck): Cut - and onto the next scene!

Scene 22: the Forest.  
(Mack and Ted are walking quickly towards home.)  
Mack: Ted, slow down!  
Ted: Oh, come on! If we hurry we can be home by tomorrow morning. We'll be heroes!  
Mack: You really think so?  
Ted: Sure. (pretending to be a villager) Look! There's Willow and Meegosh! The heroes have come home!  
Mack: Welcome back, boys. You deserve medals!  
Ted: Yeah!  
Mack: Yeah! (They both laugh, but then he sobers.) Meegosh... did we do the right thing?  
Ted: Absolutely. There's nothing to worry about.  
(Mack looks unconvinced. Suddenly the silence is broken by the sound of a baby crying.)

Mack: What's that?

Ms. Li: (O.S., sounding more like the director and less like her character this time): You two should look up and see an eagle with a brownie on it's back flying towards them with the baby, still in the papoose, in the eagle's talons.

(Mack and Ted immediately jump off the set.)

Ms. Li (O.S.): Just what are you two doing?

Mack (O.S.): With that thing overhead, we're not coming back there!

Daria (O.S.): Relax; this whole ep will be CGI'd later.

Barch (O.S.): You heard her - go back out there and read your lines!

(Ted and Mack appear back on the set. Nothing happens.)

Daria (O.S., slightly threatening tone): Tad...  
Tad (O.S.): Heeyaah! Ha ha! I stole the baby! I stole the baby! Ha ha ha ha ha! Heeyaah!  
Mack (pretending to duck the eagle): That's my baby! Stop! Wait! Come back!  
Tad: Flap, you stupid bird! Flap! Ha ha!  
(Mack and Ted pretend to run after them. They pause as if to catch their breath when they suddenly fall into a pit of some kind. A recording of a victorious laughter is heard.)

Scene 23: night.  
(Mack is awakened by water being throne on his face.)  
Tricia: Hey, Mack Daddy! Wake up!

Mack: Don't call me that!

Ms. Li (O.S.): Stop improvising!  
(Mack looks around in surprise but then quickly realizes that he and Ted are tied up and lying on the ground. A glance around tells us that they are surrounded by elementary students. They both struggle against their ropes.)  
Tricia: (to the other kids) All right, all right, stand your ground. These are our prisoners! Good. Come on!  
Mack: Meegosh! Where's the doll?  
(A strange light moves across the sky.)  
DeFoe: Bring the Nelwyns to me.  
Tad: (jumping on Mack's chest) All right! You heard her.  
Mack: What's going on?  
Tad: The script, duh! We're brownies (although we are acting more like pixies), and we've captured you!

Ms. Li (O.S.): Tad, don't deviate off the script!

Tad: Right (Reads his next lines) What? Ms. Li, I can't read that, it's ridiculous!

Ms. Li (O.S.): Just read the damn lines already!

Tad: O-Kay. (but he skips the next few lines anyways, and turns to the other brownies) Forward!  
(The Brownies begin dragging the Nelwyns towards DeFoe.)  
Mack: Where... where did you get that baby?  
Tad: I stole it from a stupid Daikini! (he laughs)  
DeFoe: Franjean, release the Nelwyns. And stop pestering them!  
Tad: Hey, we're not pestering them!

Mack: Tad, the lines?

Tad (genuine rather than acting): Uh-oh.  
(Tad quickly jumps off Mack's chest as the other Brownies cut the ropes. Finally free, Mack jumps up and raises his arms and snarls. The Brownies run for cover. The strange light continues to move across the sky.)

Ted: Wow! How is it done?

Jane (O.S.): What, the illumination?

Ted: Aha.

Jane (O.S.): I'll tell you during a break.

DeFoe (O.S.): Uh, should I start reading my lines now?

Ms. Li (O.S., sharply): Yes!  
DeFoe: Welcome to my kingdom.

(There's a pause)

DeFoe (to Ms. Li): Shouldn't there be a fairy?

Ms. Li (O.S.): Well CGI it later.  
(DeFoe appears.)  
DeFoe: I am so happy to meet you, Willow Ufgood.  
Mack: How do you know my name?  
DeFoe: Elora Danan told me. Elora? (there's another pause.)

Uh, where's the doll?

(A cart comes onto the set, carrying another doll. Unfortunately...)

DeFoe: Yeow! My feet! ####;!

3Js' (O.S.): Oops...

Barch (O.S.): Why you men!

(Sounds of running around come from O.S.)

Ms. Li (O.S.): Cut!

Scene 23a: night.

(The set is the same as before, only DeFoe now holds the baby doll.)

DeFoe: Elora, Willow's here.  
Mack (to Ms. Li): Uh, didn't she skip a line?

Ms. Li (O.S.): Just worry about your own lines!

Mack (shrugs): But she's just a baby!  
DeFoe: She's very special. My brownies have been searching for her ever since we heard she was born. Elora Danan has chosen you to be her guardian.  
(She levitates the baby into Mack's arms.)

Mack (sotto voce): Please don't self-inflame, please don't self-inflame...

Ted (jabs Mack into the side): Mack Daddy, you're on!  
Mack: Don't call me that! (catches his bearings, tries to act stunned) Me?  
DeFoe: Yes. She likes you! And Elora Danan knows that you have the courage to help us. Take my wand to the sorceress Fin Raziel. She will guide you and Elora Danan to the kingdom of Tir Asleen, where a good king and queen will look after her. (pauses) You know, these names sound like they come from Narnia.

Ms. Li (O.S.): Forget the commentaries and _play-act_!  
Mack: You need a warrior for a job like this. I'm a nobody!

Kevin (O.S.): No, you're not! You're the football team captain! Brittany, give him a cheer!

Ms. Li (O.S.): Kevin, Brittany, shut up or I'll syke Carlos on you!

Mack (ignoring the commotion off screen): Elora, you don't want me! Tell her. I'm short, even for a Nelwyn!  
(The set plunges. Everyone else looks around in confusion.)  
Mack: Hello? What's going on?

DeFoe (probably O.S.): Where's the megaphone?

Jane (probably O.S. too): Here.  
DeFoe (Very loudly through a megaphone): Elora Danan must survive. She must fulfill her destiny and bring about the downfall of Queen Bavmorda, whose powers are growing like an evil plague. Unless she is stopped, Bavmorda will control the lives of your village... your children... everyone. All creatures of good heart need your help, Willow. The choice is yours. Ted: Hey, _this_ is a rip-off of the "Wizard of Oz", or I haven't read it!

Mack: You read "Wizard of Oz"?

Ted: Yeah, and this was _so_ like the scene where Dorothy and her companions confront the wizard for the first time!

Mack: Ms. Li, what is going on?

Ms. Li (O.S.): That's what I like to know. Clare, anymore of your improvising, and you'll see some of my own downsizing!

DeFoe (O.S.): Eep!

Ms. Li (O.S.): Next scene!

Scene 24: the morning.  
(Mack walks over to where Ted is sleeping. He carries DeFoe's wand. He taps Ted on the shoulder.)  
Mack: Hey. Meegosh. Wake up. (Ted wakes up.) It's time to go home.  
Ted: Home? (He joyfully gets up.)  
Mack: Listen, Meegosh. Tell Kiaya I love her, and I think of her every day.  
Ted (shocked): Willow...  
Mack: And tell her I'm not going to let anything happen to the baby.  
Ted: Are you sure you know what you're doing?  
Mack: I hope so. (He hands a bag of supplies to Ted.)  
Ted: Listen. Be careful.  
(They hug good-bye.)

Scene 25: later.  
(Mack walks through the forest with the doll on his back and the wand [apparently made from a paintbrush] in his hand. Tad and Tricia are leading the way, humming the song from the "Wizard of Oz".)  
Tricia: I know the way, Franjean.  
Tad: You always think you know the way. I am the leader!  
Mack: How long will it take to find this Raziel?  
Tad: Not long.  
Tricia: She's been exiled to an island just over those hills.  
Mack: She's what?  
Tricia: Exiled. By the evil Queen... Bavmorda! (she laughs)  
Tad: Rool, you fool, he does not need to know everything!  
Tricia: Hey, I'm not silly!  
Tad: Yes you are!  
Tricia: Am not!  
Mack (interrupting): Wait a minute!  
Tad & Tricia: What?  
Mack (gesturing with both hands and the wand): What do you mean? What are you saying, mysterious island?  
(There's a pause.)

Tad: Um, we forgot our lines?

Ms. Li (O.S.): Check them!  
Tad (reading from a script): Don't play with that wand! Cherlindrea told you, it holds vast powers. Only a great sorcerer can use it, not a stupid peck like you. (Pauses) Uh, how's the word "peck" is insulting, anyways?

Ms. Li (O.S.): Just stick to the lines!  
(The siblings pause, then Tad points in a direction and begins to walk that way.)  
Tad: This way!  
Tricia: No no no I don't think so.  
Tad (changing direction): All right then, this way.  
Tricia: No no. (pointing) This way!  
Tad: This way?  
Tricia (in Tad's face): That's what I said! (begins walking in the direction that she indicated)  
(Tad hesitates a moment and then points after Tricia.)  
Tad: This way!  
Mack: Are you sure you know where you're going?  
Tad: Of course. With us as your guides no harm will befall you!

(Mack laughs)

Scene 26: later.

(Mack and the Gupty siblings are standing at the edges of the set, looking very worried.)

Ms. Li (O.S.): What's the matter?

Jane (O.S.): Uh, should we be getting them wet before they got rid of the dolly? It wouldn't be nice if it went off and infested everyone with puppeteers...

(There's a pause)

Daria (O.S.): What my partner here meant to say, that we all know that those damn dolls shouldn't get wet unless we want another Angie on our hands.

Ms. Li (O.S.): Everybody, this happened only because the batteries were still in it. Now that they are not, the dolls are harmless.

Jodie (O.S.): Excuse me? Have you forgotten about the self-inflammations?

Ms. Li (O.S.): Mr. O'Neill, get that rain here now!  
(With a great whoosh of sound, all three off them are soaking wet, and the bundle with doll begins to vibrate. Mack throws it off his back moments before it literally decomposes into a pile of slime and rust.)

Mack: Well, this is new.

Ms. Li (O.S.): Cut!

Scene 26a: a tavern of sorts with Daikinis unloading some kegs in the front.

Tad: We are not going in there!

Tricia (huffy): Why? You want to stay wet?

Tad: No, but it's the script!  
Tricia: Well, forget the script! We're drenched!  
Tad: You are not in command here, sister. I am! You hear me? Whooaaa!  
(As the siblings continue to argue, Mack starts toward the tavern.)

Scene 27: the tavern.  
(Many Daikinis are gathered inside. Music plays in the background, and this appears to be a rough crown. All the people in the place look at the trio as they quietly make their way over to the bar.)  
Mack: Excuse me? Excuse me, could you spare some milk for this poor hungry baby?  
Barmaid (really a cheerleader): Hey, Mack Daddy!

Mack: Don't call me that!

Ms. Li (O.S.): Follow the lines, people, and damn you!  
(Mack quickly walks away and finds a quiet spot near the stairs. He begins to tend to the baby. The Brownies pop out of the papoose and Tad spots a very pretty girl.)  
Tad: Oooh, look at her. I could use a love potion on her! Tricia, hey! Give me that dust of broken heart! Come on! (He grabs a pouch hanging from Tricia's neck and they fight over it.)  
Tricia: It's very dangerous, it belongs to the fairies!  
(She manages to win the fight, but Tad actually gets some of the dust spilled on himself in the process. Tricia falls onto Mack, while Tad falls to the floor.)  
Mack: Hey, quiet! Want to get us killed?  
Tricia: Sorry. (pauses, and starts to read from her lines) Ah, Franjean. Always playing with those fairy love potions.  
(The girl, meanwhile, comes over, and Tad gazes at her with loving eyes.)  
Tad: Oh...you are so beautiful! Your eyes...your ears...I have to kiss you! (He moves towards the girl with open arms.)  
Tricia: Tad! (to Mack) Tell him to stop improvising!

(Startled, the girl makes a high step backwards onto one of the steps but missteps and falls into a barrel of liquid. Tad grabs her, but the girl is a bit too heavy for him, so he falls in as well. Snorting, the duo raises their heads from the barrel.)  
Tad: Hey, this is real beer! (They fall back into the liquid.)

Ms. Li (O.S.): What? Diane, what is the meaning of this?

Bennett (O.S., sounding almost as tearful as Stacy): Well, Anthony insisted on realism...

Ms. Li (O.S.): What? Gibson, find me DeMartino, or Carlos will!

Daria (O.S., to Mack and the rest of people on the set): People, take five, and fish Tad and his companion from the beer instead.

Scene 27a: the tavern.  
(The set is pretty much the same, but the barrel of beer is gone [although Tad is present, albeit still a bit hangover]. The other actors are ignoring that, and are acting that they don't see where Mack and Tricia are "hiding".)  
Tricia (hiding behind Mack): These people are crazy. This could be bad!  
(Suddenly, the doll begins to crackle and vibrate and then bursts into flame. But this time, fire spreads.)

Mack (very loudly): Fire! Jane, where are the fire extinguishers?

Daria (O.S.): Everybody - cut!

Scene 27b: the tavern.

(The set is same as it was before, only there's a burned-through hole in the wall. Mack is located on the other part of it, looking both worried and pissed.)

Mack (O.S.): So where's Li?

Daria (O.S.): Hunting for DeMartino. Now shut up and start acting! You're on camera!

Ted (O.S.): That's right!

Daria (O.S.): Ted, shut up.

(Mack finds himself in a room where a woman is running around frantically trying to find articles of clothing for the other person in the room.)  
Woman: Hurry! Hurry! My husband's coming. If he catches you here he'll kill us both!

(Mack turns around and his eyes widen in surprise.)

Mack: Upchuck? Wasn't Madmartigan supposed to be Kevin's role?

Upchuck: Apparently he's been demoted to Airk. Deal with it. Anyways, (reads his line and turns to the girl) how do I look?  
Woman: Cover your face!

Mack: Quinn? You got a part?

Quinn (smugly): Family influence, Mack Daddy!

Mack: Don't call me that! (remembering his lines): Not you?  
Upchuck (also acting): Where the hell did you come from?

Tricia (from the other side of the wall): From here, duh! Didn't you see?

Daria (O.S.): Trish, shut up and let them act! Mack, continue.  
Mack (skips a beat, and then continues): I knew I shouldn't have trusted you!  
Tad (to Upchuck): Don't I know you? I stole the baby from you, hic - while you were taking a- hic! Hic! (flops onto a bench)

(There's a pause, then-)  
Quinn (to Upchuck): Cover your face!  
(He wraps a scarf around his head.)  
Upchuck (to Mack): You are crawling with brownies.

Tricia: Hey, we do not crawl over anybody, Cheese-head!  
Quinn (overacting badly): Aahh! I hate brownies!  
(Tad makes faces at her. The door bursts open and Mack is actually knocked aside. A somewhat large and angry football player [Jamie] storms into the room.)  
Jamie: Where is he?  
Quinn: Hello, dear.  
Jamie: Where?  
Quinn: There's nobody here but me and, uh, my, uh...  
Jamie: I'll kill him!  
Quinn: Uhhh, my cousin, Daria.  
Mack: Daria?

Daria (O.S.): Cousin?  
Jamie: Huh? Didn't Daria claim to be your sister on that O'Neill presentation?

Quinn: Jamie, it's the play! It's not really Daria, it's-

Mack (interrupting): - someone else.

Sandi (O.S.): Uh, guys, you better get started, because the _real_ Daria and Jane are getting red in the face, and that's bad!  
Quinn: Right. (reads her lines) Daria, this is my husband, Jamie.

Jamie: Really? I'm your husband?  
Upchuck (decides to nip this in the bud before the wrath of Daria and Jane is unleashed): Mmm, big husband. How do you do?  
(Jamie approaches Upchuck, who backs up against the wall. Jamie smiles lecherously.)  
Jamie: Daria, oooh! (grabs at "Daria's" ample bosom) Come on, girl, don't be shy!  
(Upchuck slaps Jamie's hand away. He then moves over and picks up Elora.)  
Mack: Hey! Give her back!  
Upchuck (high voice, sounding really nasty, even more so than usual): Pecks make such terrible nursemaids.  
Mack: Nursemaid?  
Upchuck (high voice): They get too excited!  
(Mack tries to get Elora back, but Upchuck - caught in his acting - holds onto the doll. There's a brief tug-of-war, and the doll bursts into flame and falls onto the floor, as the actors begin to trample the flames.)

Daria (O.S., flatly): Cut!

Scene 27c: the tavern.

(The scene is still the same, only now there's a really big singed spot in the middle of the floor. Tad Gupty is looking at it. It's obvious that he's still hangover.)  
Tad: Excuse me! Excuse me! I like to be correct! If I can't please - too bad! You're standing on my neck, you standing on my neck! (Mack dumps a ladle full of water over his head) Are we having a party? (Starts to quote Tolkien.) Ho ho my lad! Ho ho my lad! (He laughs and then dries to dodge as Mack grabs at him.) Hey! Hey hey! I'm a happy goblin, yay-yay! Mack Daddy, you're the coolest!

Mack (grabbing Tad and slamming him over to Tricia): Don't call me that!  
(Jamie meanwhile finally manages to corner Upchuck.)  
Upchuck (high voice): Stop.  
(Tricia holds Tad up for a moment.)  
Tad: Come on, fight like a man!  
(Tricia drops Tad onto his ass.)  
Jamie (reading the lines): Want to breeeed?  
Upchuck (high voice, not fully acting): Tempting, but...no!  
(Upchuck ducks out of reach, but Jamie continues to follow him.)  
Upchuck (high voice): Thank you. I have to leave.  
Quinn: Bye, Daria!  
(As Upchuck reaches the door it bursts open and some Nockmaar soldiers enter the room.)  
Nockmaar Soldier (Jeffy): Take them out!  
(The soldiers drag everyone into the main room.)  
Soldiers: Right. Come along, Mack Daddy! Move along! Gather 'em all with the babies!  
Daria (to one of the tavern patrons): That baby over there. Let me see its arm. (she inspects it) That's not the one.  
(Mack watches with surprise as she approaches Upchuck next.)

Mack: Daria? Wasn't this Brittany's role?

Daria: Eh, Ms. Li - when she came back with DeMartino who didn't have his pants - was so impressed with my actions, that she switched me places with Brittany, who now aids Jane in setting the lighting. (pauses, then starts to act) You! Are you the mother of that child?  
Upchuck (high voice): Yes, yes I am.  
Daria: Lemme see it.  
Mack: No! Don't let her!  
Daria (pushes Mack out of the way and then turns back to Upchuck.): I gave you an order, woman!  
(She reaches for the baby, but Upchuck shoves her away. Suddenly Upchuck finds himself at the dangerous end of a couple of swords. Daria slams her sword into the floor and removes her helmet.)  
Upchuck: Yeowch! My foot! (begins to jump on one foot under the collective laughter of others)

Ms. Li (O.S.) Mr. Ruttheimer! Please don't get side-tracked and act like a buffoon!

Upchuck (so startled he almost forgets the high voice): You're... feisty...  
Daria (decides to let this one slide): And you're very strong.  
Upchuck (almost high voice): Thank you.  
Daria: You're no woman! (yanks his scarf off)  
Quinn (pleading): Now, honey...  
Jamie (outraged): Upchuck?  
Quinn: Take it easy... (pause) You didn't know it was him?  
Upchuck (in his own voice): Gentlemen...  
Jamie (louder): Upchuck?  
Upchuck:...meet Llug!  
(Upchuck ducks out of the way as Jamie lunges at him so Jamie manages to hit the Nockmaar soldiers instead. Naturally [since they are really his fellow team players] a mess [similar to a football tackle] occurs Upchuck takes off running.)  
Daria: After them!  
(Mack heads after Upchuck and manages to trip a soldier in the process.)  
Mack: Outta my way!  
Daria: To the horses!  
(Upstairs Upchuck makes his way out to the balcony. He hits one of the men who are unloading the beer. He then grabs the rope and manages to swing himself down to the wagon below. He places the doll under the seat, and urges the horses [actually, hinnys] on. Mack [with the Gupty kids] is still on the balcony.)  
Mack: Upchuck! Upchuck, wait! The doll! It's mined!

(Sadly, his warning comes too late, and the doll explodes into flames. The smell of wooden smoke startles the animals, and the wagon abruptly races off, Mack and the Guptys has no choice but to make a jump for it. They do, and land hard in the back of the wagon.)  
Jamey (running behind the wagon): He's not a woman!

Daria (also running along): Shut up and help me catch this runaway steam roller!  
(Several LH students make chase. Meanwhile, Mack is struggling to keep his balance in the racing - and burning - wagon.)  
Mack: Upchuck, stop!

Upchuck: I can't! If I lose control those cursed beasts will smash everything and overturn the wagon!

Mack: Hold on, I'm coming!  
(Tad meanwhile tries to keep his balance given the motion of the wagon and some loose apples rolling around.)  
Tad: Tricia! Tricia!  
(A trio of team players on top of donkeys catches up to the wagon.)  
Upchuck (to his hinnys): Hyaah!  
(Mack falls on his ass.)  
Mack: Upchuck, I'm telling you - do something!  
(Upchuck tosses an apple over his shoulder and it hits Mack on the head.)

Upchuck: Mack Daddy, shut up!  
Mack: Ow! And don't call me that!  
(One of the Nockmaar soldiers comes abreast of the wagon. Tad looks through a gap in the wagon at him.)  
Tad: Prepare to die!  
(The team player jumps onto the back of the wagon. Tad retaliates by dowsing him with his intestinal fluids, so he falls off with a howl. But another team player hops into the wagon and steps onto a shovel that lay there. The shovel bounces upwards and hits the boy between the eyes with the handle.)  
Boy: Ow!  
(He falls off the wagon, but the damage has been done - the wagon has been knocked off balance, and consequently Mack is knocked out of the wagon and onto the pole between the animals. Tricia is thrown out of the wagon as well and hangs on for dear life on the side of the wagon.)  
Tricia: Tad! Help me!  
(The back wheel of the wagon suddenly breaks, but the wagon does not stop going.)  
Tad (looking around): Tricia!  
Tricia: Help!  
Tad: Tricia! Tricia! (finally locating her) Tricia, what are you doing?  
Tricia: Help me!  
(Mack frantically tries to reach the reins, as Tad pulls Tricia to safety.)  
Tad: Come on.  
Tricia: Pull me in!  
Tad: I am!  
(Mack finally manages to grab the reins and he crawls back into the driver's seat. Another team player hops into the back of the wagon, almost stepping on Tricia.)

Tricia: Yeowch!

(She jerks underneath and the last boy falls out - just as the other back wheel falls apart as Mack falls, knocking himself on the head. Upchuck falls out of the back of the wagon, but he manages to grab onto a piece of rope. The boy that fell-out earlier manages to grab onto Upchuck. They begin to fight in earnest as they both try and get back into the wagon. Tad and Tricia make their way over to the remaining beer kegs that are in the wagon.)  
Tad: Tricia, this isn't funny. Help me cut the rope!  
(Both Gupty kids cut at the rope until it breaks. The kegs roll off the back of the wagon and knock the boy off of Upchuck. Upchuck is now able to climb back into the wagon while Tad and Tricia celebrate. But now the fires begin to spread in earnest. Mack finally wakes up.)  
Upchuck: Mack, stay down!  
(Mack ignores him and reaches back and gets the reins. Upchuck also succeeds into getting into the forepart of the wagon.)  
Mack: Whoa! Whoa!  
(The wagon comes to a stop and the other two rescuers ride past them.)  
Upchuck: What are we waiting for?  
Mack: Nothing! We're getting off!  
In the distance: Hyaah! Hyaah!  
(The quartet - Mack, Upchuck and the Gupty kids run-off as the wagon bursts into real blazes.)  
In the distance: Whoa! Whoa!  
Tad: Oh, Tricia!  
Upchuck (to Mack): Can we catch a breath now?

(Tad helps Tricia to her feet.)  
Tricia: Stupid Upchuck. Trust him to burn a wagon.  
Mack: Upchuck, you never, ever drive that fast when on fire!  
Upchuck (in disbelief): I just saved our lives! Can you imagine what would happen to us if those animals ran amok?  
(The group walks to the wooded area beside the road.)  
Tricia (to Tad): Gather your wits. Come on!  
Tad: Don't worry about me, I'm fine!  
Upchuck: Come on.  
(The sound of more stampeding donkeys and hinnys is heard in the distance. Our group jumps in a ditch.)  
Upchuck: Down!

Mack: We can see that without you!

Upchuck: Yeah? What about her? (Points at Tricia still standing in the middle of the road.)  
Tricia: Oh, where am I? Oh...  
Tad: Tricia, you fool, get out of the road!  
(Just as Tricia jumps into the ditch, several disheveled "steeds" and their riders gallop through the spot. After they are gone Upchuck gets up and starts walking away.)  
Tricia (almost inaudible): Ah, Tad...  
Upchuck: You'd better clear out, Willow, before those troops come back.  
Tad (almost inaudible): Ah, my head!  
Mack (not moving): We don't need him, Elora.

Tad: Why are you talking to a doll? (Pause) Hey, where _is_ the doll?

(There's an embarrassed silence, then a doll is thrown from O.S. to Mack. Meanwhile, Upchuck starts to walk-off, but Mack comes running up behind him.)  
Mack: Madmartigan, wait!  
Upchuck: Go home, Willow. It's a dangerous world.  
Mack: Yeah, and that's why we need your help.  
Upchuck: My help? Ha! What do you need my help for? You're a sorcerer.

Tad: Yeah! And a football player!  
Mack: You're a great warrior. And a swordsman. (pauses, reads the next lines, snorts) Well you get the idea!

Ms. Li (O.S.): Don't deviate!

Mack: Come on, he's no bigger than me!

Ms. Li (O.S.): Fine, but don't try that again!  
Upchuck (throwing down a piece of his 'dress'): Are you trying to make my life more difficult than it already is?  
(Just then Carlos [O.S.] can be heard and Mack and Upchuck throw themselves to the ground. Tad and Tricia come running up.)  
Tad: Hurry! Big dog!  
Mack: Look, I'm sorry I got angry. We wouldn't have escaped without you. (looks away toward the sound of Carlos.)  
(The doll takes that moment to burst into flames like its' predecessors did, startling everybody all the same, though.)  
Upchuck (getting up): Well, don't expect me to help you again.  
Tricia: With what? You started the whole thing! (pauses, remembers her lines) Good! Then we go that way, to the lake!  
(She points in the direction that they need to go, but Tad taps him on the shoulder and points in a different direction.)  
Tad: That way.  
(Tricia slams the butt of her spear onto the ground in frustration.)  
Tricia: You are drunk. And when you are drunk you forget that I am in charge.  
Tad: Am not! I'm actually quite sober! But since you are in charge - then which way do we go?  
(After a moment they both point in the direction that Tad indicated.)  
Tad & Tricia: That way!  
(Mack looks at Upchuck who throws his hands up in frustration.)  
Upchuck: Oh, no! That's the way I'm going. All right, all right, you can follow me as far as the lake. But that's it. You're not going south, are you?  
Mack: No, no. Just as far as the lake.  
Upchuck: Good. (to the brownies) Mumbo! Jumbo! I am hungry. Go get me some eggs or something.  
Tad: We are not afraid of you!  
Upchuck: Now!  
(Tad and Tricia run away.)

**Intermission**

The Film-making Club of Lawndale High is back in the auditorium, taking a breather. Most if not all of them are in a less than prime condition, and quite a few (especially those associated with the livestock or the dolls) look rather twitchy. Ms. Li, however, doesn't act understanding; in fact, she's rather indignant.

Ms. Li: We're losing focus here, people! (Pause) The last scene was done horrendously! We've _got_ to repeat the whole "wagon-chase"!

Mack (barely keeping himself from exploding): Mmmm... Ms. Li. Please! This is just a high school! You can't expect ... Chuck here to perform Upchuck's acts! (Pauses) Besides, I'm sure that we'll be able to CGI them, or hire stuntmen, or do something else later!

Ms. Li (thinking, realizes Mack's correctness and backs down, but isn't very happy about it): Well, Mr. Mackenzie, I guess you're right, but there's also the fact that your performance has somewhat decreased by the end of the latest scene.

Mack: That's because we've got tired a bit.

Ms. Li (shrewdly for her): But now you've rested?

DM: Angela, you continue to press on the kids for too long so hard - and they'll form a union of some sort.

Ms. Li (seemingly ignoring DeMartino): I'll have coffee and other... invigorating drinks available for the actors off the set. But the movie must go on, people, must go on!

(There's a chorus that vaguely suggests for Ms. Li to go to Hell or a similarly welcoming place.)

Ms. Li (eyes narrowing): I heard that! (behind her Carlos and other dogs growl)

O'Neill (rather nervous): Ah, Angela, why there are so many dogs now?

Ms. Li: They'll be playing the roles of the Death Dogs from now on. Any counter-suggestions?

Daria (to Jane): For our next performance we'll be playing a sketch from Ovid's Metamorphoses, namely "Glaucus and Scylla", with Ms. Li as the female lead. (Pauses) Ms. Barch can play Circe, I suppose.

Jane (blink): There's something that I don't know because I do not read classical literature, yes?

Daria (smirk): You said, not I.

Jodie (to Daria): Oh, _I_ got it, but who'll be Glaucus?

Daria (deadpan face): DeMartino.

(Jodie begins to cough-laugh, drawing the others' attention to herself.)

Ms. Li (coolly): What's the matter, Miss Landon?

Jane: She's just relieving from her stress with the dolls. Very traumatic.

Mack: Yeah, Ms. Li. Where _did_ you find such a set of dolls where every one should be wasted?

Ms. Li (looking angry): That's it, this meeting is over! To the workstations, everyone!

Upchuck (sarcastically): Too-toot too-too!

Ms. Li: I heard that, Mr. Ruttheimer!

**End Intermission **

Scene 28: the Nockmaar Castle - Throne Room.  
(Robert approaches Ms. Li and kneels before her.)  
Ms. Li: Kael. Have you found the child?  
Robert: The search goes on, ma'am.  
Ms. Li (deciding to let Robert's slip of the tongue go by): Why, with my powers, with the strength of my great army, can you not find one little child?  
Robert: We look even now. It won't be long.  
Ms. Li (slapping his face): Find the child, find the child! Time is running out.

Scene 29: the Forest.  
(Upchuck and Mack have now made camp. It's night now. Upchuck has tucked his skirt into his boots so it now looks as if he is wearing pink pants.)  
Mack (whispering to Elora): Good night.  
Upchuck: She is kind of cute... when she's quiet.  
Mack: She's really a princess.  
Upchuck: Really? And you're a great sorcerer. And I'm the king of Cashmere. Go to sleep, Willow. (lies down)

Stacy (O.S.): Excuse me, but Cashman's? Upchuck's the king of Cashman's?

Sandi (O.S., know-it-all tone): Not Cashman's, Stacy, _Cashmere_. It's a type of textile, made from sheep's wool. Rather classy too, if I remember. Going into clothing business, eh Chuck?

Upchuck (Pause): Actually, that was part of the script.

(There's a general pause)

Ms. Li: I suggest that you continue to act now.  
Mack: Good night, Madmartigan.  
(Tricia and Tad are asleep beside the fire.)  
Tad: Rats! Big rats! (he flings his arms about in his sleep and manages to hit Tricia) Rats!  
Tricia: (instantly up) Huh? Uh? Rats? Where... (more awake now) Franjean, you and that half-witted rat dream. Huh!

Tad: It's not half-witted - but you are!

Daria (O.S.): Kids, cut it out now, or I'll have the TV channels blocked once this is all over!  
(Tricia and Tad roll over and go back to sleep. It seems that now everyone is asleep except for Mack. He picks up Cherlindrea's wand and waves it around a bit.)  
Mack: Tuatha...locktwaar... tuatha WAHAA!  
(The latter happens because a heavy weight comes down onto the floor, jack-knifing Mack into the air a-la Harry and Marv in Home Alone 2, where he is literally hooked-up by a hook.)  
Upchuck: Hmmh? Willow? Willow... (He looks around and then spots Mack in the air about 6-7 feet off the ground.) Whoa! (pauses, collects himself) Oh, there you are.  
Mack: Upchuck!  
Upchuck (yawning, ignoring Mack's slip-off): Night, Willow.

Mack: Upchuck! This rope won't hold me!

(The rope breaks with a crack and Mack falls down - right onto Upchuck!)

Ms. Li (O.S.): Cut!

Scene 29a: the forest.

(The set is still the same, only now the Gupty kids have been replaced by a couple of mannequins. Upchuck is still there, though, watching Mack with worry. This feeling is topped only by Mack's own worry.)

Ms. Li (O.S.): And - action!

Mack: Tuatha...locktwaar... tuatha WAHAA!  
(Again the weight comes down and Mack is thrown into the air where's he's hooked by his jacket. Only now his suit was done incorrectly, so he slips out of it and falls back down, only now there are several mattresses on the floor, so he bounces for quite a bit.)

Ms. Li (O.S.): Cut!

Scene 29b: the forest.

(The set as it was in the scene 29b, same characters, same setting.)

Ms. Li (O.S.): Action

Mack (in a very depressed voice): Tuatha...locktwaar... tuatha WAHAA!  
(The weight comes down again, faster and bigger than ever. Mack is also thrown into the air faster then before, so this time he's hooked by his pants, and is left twirling in the air. Quickly though, his belt breaks, and Mack falls back down.)

Mack (loudly and angry): Ms. Li, fuuuuu-

(Falls onto the mattresses).

Ms. Li (O.S.): Cut!

Scene 29c: the forest.

(The set as it was in the scene 29b, same characters, same setting.)

Ms. Li (O.S.): Action!

Mack: Tuatha...locktwaar... tuatha WAHAA!  
(This time all goes perfectly. Mack is thrown into the air, hooked in the right place, and Upchuck "wakes-up".)

Upchuck: Hmmh? Willow? Willow... (He looks around and then spots Mack in the air about 6-7 feet off the ground.) Whoa! (pauses, collects himself) Oh, there you are.  
Mack: Madmartigan!  
Upchuck (yawning): Night, Willow.

(Upchuck goes back to sleep and Mack looks down at the wand in his hand with a mix of horror and awe.)  
Ms. Li (O.S., triumphant): We did it!

Scene 30: the Morning.  
(Our heroes make their way through the mountains.)  
Tad: This way! This way!

Scene 31: the Waterfall.  
(Upchuck holds Elora as he sits next to the rushing water. Mack walks up to them to see what Upchuck is doing.)  
Mack (forgetting the lines): What are you doing? Don't you know the damn things go off when they are wet!

Upchuck: Relax! I've replaced the doll with a wooden dummy weight. It's somewhat heavier than those plastic things, but are cheaper and much safer!

Mack: Good thinking. (pauses, gets back into character) What are you doing?

Upchuck: Hey, I told you already!

Mack: Uh, that's my _line_.  
Upchuck: Oh! (pauses, remembers his own lines) I found some blackroot. She loves it!  
Mack: Blackroot? I am the father of two children, and you never, ever give a baby blackroot!  
Upchuck: Well my mother raised us on blackroot. It's good for you. Puts hair on your chest, doesn't it, Sticks?  
Mack: Her name is not Sticks. She's Elora Danan, the future empress of Tir Asleen, and the last thing she's going to want is a hairy chest! (He grabs the blackroot and tosses it into the water.)  
Upchuck: (to Elora) Did you see what he did? He stole our blackroot! I'll get some more, don't worry about it.

Sandi (O.S.): Hey, like, Daria - is that true?

Daria (O.S.): Excuse me?

Sandi (O.S.): You know, what they were saying about that blackroot?

Daria (O.S.): Oh, _that_. That is true only if you drink too much tap water in New Jersey. The only thing that that rotten piece of liquorice can give you is indigestion!

Ms. Li (O.S.): A-hem, ladies, if you're finished, we got at least _half_ a movie left to shoot!

Scene 32: the Lake.  
(The group looks out at a small island that sits in the centre of the lake.)  
Tad: There it is! The island!  
Mack: We made it.  
Tricia: We have led you to the island of the sorceress Fin Barch. We'll get a boat in that village.  
Tad: A big boat! (laughs in an "evil" fashion)

Daria (O.S.): Tad, don't get carried away!

Tad (sheepishly): Sorry.

Scene 33: the Village.  
(They all look around, but the village is deserted.)  
Upchuck: Well, looks like I got you here.  
Tricia: You?  
Tad: What did you do? All you did was hang around and eat our eggs. Ah?  
Mack: I found a boat, we're all set!  
Upchuck: Good. Take these two lizards out and drown 'em.  
Tricia: Lizards? Who are you calling lizards?  
Tad: Your mother was a lizard!  
(Upchuck ignores them and kneels down in front of Elora.)  
Upchuck: Goodbye, Sticks. (He glances over at Mack who is preparing a boat.) If you really are a princess, take care of him. (He gets up and begins to walk away.)  
Mack: Upchuck!  
Upchuck (stops and turns back): What?  
Mack: Thanks.  
(Upchuck smiles and waves before turning and continuing on his way. As he passes by Tricia and Tad he kicks some dirt at them. They react with anger and irritation.)  
Tad: Keep walking, hero!  
Tricia: Don't even turn around!  
(Mack and the Brownies go over to where he has put the wooden dummy.)  
Mack: It's all right, Elora. Go to sleep. Nobody'll find you here. I'll be back with Fin Raziel very soon.  
Tricia: We will guard her with our meager lives.  
Ms. Li (O.S.): That was beautifully done! Keep on going in that vein!

Scene 34: Mack is rowing the boat across the lake to the island.

Scene 35: the Island.  
(Mack looks around, but it appears to be a deserted place.)  
Mack: Raziel! Fin Raziel! I have to talk to you, please. Raziel! (silence) She's not here.  
(He turns and heads back to the boat, but a strange cry makes him stop. He looks and spots Janet Barch sitting in a tree, dressed in a suit that makes her look like a rat - or a possum.)  
Barch: Get back! Who are you? Who are you?  
Mack: I'm Willow Ufgood.  
Barch: What are you doing here?  
Mack: I've come to find the great sorceress, Fin Raziel.  
Barch: That's me. I'm Raziel.  
Mack: This can't be right!

Tad (O.S.): Yeah, that looks like a werepossum from the Longest Road setting!

Daria (O.S.): Tad, shut up.  
Barch (ignoring Tad and Daria): One of Bavmorda's spells transformed me. Believe me, it could have been worse!

Tiffany (O.S.): Yeah, you could've been fat, too!

Quinn (O.S.): Tiffany, hush!  
Mack (also ignoring what's happening off the set): Well... (pulls out the wand) This wand is for you. It's from Cherlindrea.  
Barch: Then the prophecy is true. The princess has been born! Take me to her - you man!

Scene 36: the Village.  
(Mack now sits holding Elora while Barch hovers over his shoulder.)  
Barch: It is Elora Danan! Isn't she beautiful? Ooh, isn't she beautiful, you man?  
Tad: That's Raziel?  
Tricia: I don't know. I expected something grander, less, uh...  
Tad: Less like a werepossum?  
Tricia: Exactly.  
Barch: Shut up you little goblins (pauses, remembers her lines, to Mack) You must use the wand. Turn me back into my human form.  
Mack: What do I do?  
Barch: You mean you're not a sorcerer?  
Mack: Yes! Sort of... I'm a farmer.  
(Tricia and Tad throw down their spears in disgust.)  
Mack: But I do know a few tricks.  
Barch: Tricks? Cherlindrea sent you? You must learn real magic.  
(Outside the hut they hear the sound of horses.)  
Tad: Donkeys.  
Tricia: And mules!  
Barch: And hinnys! Oh my! (pauses, remembers her lines) Take her. Hurry, hurry!  
(All of them try to make a run for it, but there's no time. A small band of Nockmaar soldiers ride into the village and cut them off. Upchuck is with them, but his wrists are tied and his clothing is in shreds.)  
Tricia: I knew he was a traitor!  
Upchuck: Sorry about this, peck.  
Nockmaar Soldier: Keep your mouth shut! (he hits Upchuck, knocking him off the horse) I told you we'd find them without your help.  
(Mack tries to make a run for it but another soldier grabs him.)  
Nockmaar Soldier: Gimme that baby! (pauses) Wait, it is still wooden, right? I don't want the dumb thing to explode and blow me to kingdom come  
Mack: No, it's still wood (The soldier manages to grab the baby.) Give her back!  
(Another soldier tentatively grabs Barch.)  
Barch: Aah, get your dukes off me! (pauses) What can of script is this, Angela? "Dukes" isn't even a synonym for "hands"!

Ms. Li (O.S., acidly): I see the relationship with O'Neill has done well on your dictionary, Janet.

(Daria rides up and examines the baby. She spots the mark on Elora's arm.)  
Daria: This is the one we're looking for. We must take it back to Nockmaar.  
(The soldier who grabbed Barch stuffs her into a burlap sack. Daria looks down at Upchuck who is still lying on the ground.)  
Daria: Lose your skirt?  
Upchuck: Grr, feisty! (Daria kicks him and he falls) I mean I still got what counts.  
Daria: Not for long. (She kicks him in the face and then rides away.) Bring him!

Upchuck: Ouch! What'cha did that for - I said my lines correctly!

Daria: That was in the script!

Upchuck: Oh...  
(One of the soldiers grabs Upchuck.)  
Nockmaar Soldier: Over here!  
(Another soldier drags Mack over to the horses and they all ride off. The Brownies run after them for a short distance before coming to a halt.)  
Tad: We'll never keep up with those horses!  
Tricia: Then we will have to track them.  
Tad: That would take forever. Besides, even if we find them, they'll catch us, stick us in cages, torture us and finally devour us.  
Tricia: Are you suggesting we go home?  
Tad: We can't - the contracts, remember?  
Tricia (rather bitterly): All right. Fine then. Come on!  
(They take off after the horses.)

Scene 37: the Road.  
(The caravan of soldiers that captured Upchuck and Mack marches along. One of the soldiers tentatively carries the wooden doll, not trusting it not exploding or bursting into flames or something. Barch is riding in a wagon. Mack and Upchuck are chained to this same wagon by the necks and they walk behind it. Upchuck is now wearing proper clothes, a black shirt and black pants...)  
Mack: I'm worried about Elora. She doesn't sound good.

Upchuck: What are you talking about? She's as silent, as a, well, log!

Ms. Li (O.S.): The crying part will be added later!  
Barch: Hurry! Practice the chant I taught you!  
Mack: Tanna... luatha... oh, I can't remember the middle part!  
Barch: Locktwarr! That's the word that pleads for change, you masculine idiot!  
Mack: Locktwarr...  
(Daria rides up to them and Upchuck quickly moves over Mack so that he stands beside her.)  
Mack (to Daria): Elora's cold and hungry. She knows me. Please, let me take care of her.  
Daria: I don't need help from a peck. (Mack looks away and she turns to Upchuck) What are you staring at?  
Upchuck: Your leg. I'd like to... (pauses, remembers his lines) break it.  
Daria: You might find that difficult, slave, while I'm up here and you're down there. (She rides ahead.)  
Upchuck: Ooh, I just _love_ this girl!

Ms. Li (O.S.): Upchuck, don't deviate from the script!

Upchuck (not missing a beat): I hate that woman.

Scene 38: the Mountains.  
(Now the caravan has reached the mountains. There is snow all around. As they continue on their way Mack, looks as if he might stumble and fall according to the script.)

Upchuck: I wouldn't advise you to do so, Mack. Who'll carry you if you fall? Me?

(Mack realizes the absurdity of the situation and doesn't try to do anything like that again. Robert rides out to meet the caravan and Daria rides up to him. She shows him the baby.)  
Daria: I found it, Kael! That should make my mother happy.  
Mack: What are they going to do to her?  
(Upchuck has no idea, but it doesn't look good.)

Scene 39: the Night.  
(The camp has now settled down for the night. Soldiers and Death Dogs [Ms. Li's dogs] patrol. Mack and Upchuck have now been placed in a large cage. Well, it's relatively large for Upchuck, but Mack does feel crumpled. Barch is sitting nearby. Mack, it seems, is making a "potion". He uses the wands to mix the potion in a small bowl.)  
Mack: Hither... wolha... bairn... deru... bordak... bellanockt!  
Upchuck: That's magic? Smells terrible.  
Mack: It's the life spark. Forms after...  
Upchuck: (interrupting) Well it stinks! This whole thing stinks.  
Barch: Ignore him, Willow. He's a fool - a bigger fool than most men are, even.  
Upchuck: If only I had a sword! Haaa... (acts as if he had a sword)  
Mack: ...you'd just hurt yourself! (pauses, and remembers his lines) If only you'd quit talking about it!  
Barch: Willow, you must transform me to my human self.  
Mack: But Raziel, I'm not ready yet!

Upchuck (under his breath): Nobody is, anyways.  
Barch: What was that, you man?

Upchuck: Nothing.

Barch (to Upchuck): You'd better be. (to Mack) Get me down!  
(Upchuck reaches up with a long pole and pulls her to the cage. During this Upchuck manages to bang his head against the bars.)  
Upchuck (clutching his head): Oww! Uhh... (to Mack) Why don't you help me get out of here instead of chattering with that muskrat?

Barch: What did you call me, you man?

Upchuck: What my lines said, duh!

Barch: What? Angela, what is the meaning-

Ms. Li (O.S.): You got problems with the script? Take it to Lucasfilm studios or script writers.

Barch: Maybe I will!

Ms. Li (O.S.): Fine, but for now - read your lines!  
Barch (seething): Muskrat? When I change back to my former self I will crush this army and take Elora Danan to Tir Asleen, where she will be safe. (she takes this moment to bit into Mack's finger)  
Mack: Owww! Whadja bite me for?  
Barch: You need three drops of your blood to put in the potion.  
Mack: Well, you could have warned me.  
Barch: For beginners there's some pain, but don't let anything break your concentration.  
(Mack gives her an evil eye, stands up and with the wand in his hand begins to chant.)  
Mack: Hither greenan bairn claideblunanockt.  
(Tricia and Tad finally arrive in the camp.)  
Tricia: Hello, everybody! We have arrived.  
Tad: You are saved!  
Mack: Shh!  
Barch: Don't interrupt. This man is trying to act like a bloody druid of all people-

Tad (to Tricia): Told you - Merlin, not Kenobi!

Tricia (to Tad): Oh, shut up!  
Mack (ignoring the siblings' argument): Hither greenan bairn claideb lunanockt. Hither greenan bairn claideb lunanockt.  
Upchuck: What are you going to look like if this works?  
Barch: Don't interrupt.  
Upchuck: Sorry. Good point. Wouldn't want you to end-up all _wrong_.  
Mack: Hither greenan bairn claideb lunanockt.  
(The wand begins to glow.)  
Barch: I am a young, beautiful woman.

(There are giggles throughout the set and Barch looks like she swallowed a bellyful of coals _and_ a live grizzly.)

Barch: Somebody's going to pay for this travesty, and my guess that it's going to be - Angela Li.

Daria (O.S., to Jane): Told you - Ms. Barch is _perfect_ for Circe in our next shooting.

Jane (O.S., to Daria): Whatever, now hush!  
Upchuck: Concentrate, Mack.  
Mack: Hither greenan bairn claideblunanockt. Hither greenan bairn claideblunanockt.  
Barch (making odd noises): Is it really me?

Upchuck (under his breath): Yes, unfortunately.  
Mack: Hither greenan bairn claideblunanockt.  
(Barch begins to change her costume.)  
Mack: Hither greenan bairn claideb...ahhh...!  
(Mack acts to fall back in pain and drop the wand. Upchuck catches him as he cradles his wrist in pain.)  
Upchuck: You all right? Nice try, Mack.  
(They both look over and see that Barch now looks like-.)

Tad: - a wereraven from Ravencroft! Cool!  
Barch: Shut up you man, you!

Tad: Really witty, lady.  
Mack (coughs to bring Barch's attention to him): I'm sorry, Raziel.  
Tricia: You want out?  
Tad: Easy! We can pick a lock. Come on!  
(They pull out Tricia's spear and go to work on the lock.)  
Tad: No. No no, let me!  
Tricia: I know what I'm doing. It's my spear, leave it alone.  
Upchuck: Let me do it. Out of the way, rodents.  
(He takes a hold of the spear and begins working the lock himself.)  
Tricia: Take your hand off that! You leave that alone, you stupid Daikini! (she whacks Upchuck on the nose with the pouch of fairy dust. Upchuck jerks back).  
Upchuck: Ow!  
Tad (laughs an evil laugh): Ha ha ha ha ha! Dust of broken heart! Ha ha ha ha hee hee.  
(Upchuck makes like he's going to hurt them, but then he stops and gets a _thoughtful_ look in his eyes. Tad and Tricia don't notice that as they open the lock.)  
Tricia: You are free!  
Mack: Come on, Madmartigan. Let's get Elora Danan out of here.  
Upchuck (grinning rather evilly): Yeah... that'd be fun.  
Mack: Come on.  
(They make their way across the camp and stop by a tent.)  
Mack (to Upchuck, according to his lines): Are you all right?  
Upchuck: Yeah. (flops down in the snow) I feel... good.  
Tad: The dust of broken heart.  
Tricia: Umm...  
Mack (to Upchuck): Come on.  
(They move over to Daria's tent.)  
Tad: Let me see!  
Tricia: Let ME see!  
Tad: You always see!  
Mack (peeking into the tent): There's Elora, right there on those furs.  
Tad: Hey, wait.  
Tricia: Leave this to us, it's too dangerous for you.  
Upchuck: Only one of us should go in there. I've got experience in this sort of thing. I know what I'm doing.  
(Mack nods and Upchuck crawls into the tent. He slowly makes his way over to the baby. He glances at Daria to make sure she's still asleep and the looks back to the baby. But suddenly his gaze is drawn back to Daria. He changes directions and makes his way over to her.)  
Tricia & Tad: Uh-oh.  
Mack (quietly): No! No!  
Upchuck (quietly to Daria, and not exactly acting): I love you.  
Mack (louder): Madmartigan, what are you doing? Get the baby! Go!  
(Upchuck turns and goes over to Elora, but then changes his direction once again and purposefully goes back over to where Daria lies asleep. He places his hands over his heart.)  
Upchuck: Oh, Sorsha.  
(Mack slaps his hand to his head in frustration and the Brownies follow suit.)  
Upchuck: Wake from this hateful sleep.  
(While Upchuck is preoccupied Mack makes his way into the tent.)  
Upchuck: It deprives me of your beauty - the beauty of your eyes!  
(Suddenly Daria whips out a dagger and aims it directly at Upchuck's crotch.)  
Daria: One move, jackass, and you really will be a woman.  
(She gets up and pushes him away from her.)  
Upchuck: You are my sun, my moon, and my starlit sky. Without you, I dwell in darkness. I love you.  
Daria (crept out by Upchuck's emotion, worries that he may not exactly be acting anymore): What are you doing here?  
Upchuck: Your power has enchanted me, I stand helpless against it. Come to me now. Tonight, let me worship you in my arms.  
Daria (really worried): Get away from me!  
Upchuck: I love you!  
Daria (growing scared): Stop saying that!  
Upchuck: How can I stop the beating of my heart? It pounds like never before.  
Daria (remembering her lines): Aye, with fear.  
Upchuck: Ah, with love.  
Daria: I can stop it. (places the dagger next to his throat) I'll kill you.  
Upchuck (a wave of emotions goes over his face, which finally becomes determined): Death next to love is a trivial thing. (He looks down at her hand that _almost_ rests on his chest.) Your touch is worth a hundred thousand deaths.  
(Daria slowly lowers the dagger, and begins to move away from Upchuck who follows her. As they begin to move in such fashion, Robert barges in pulling Mack in by the scruff of his shirt. Mack is carrying Elora.)  
Robert: What goes on here?  
(He drops Mack on a pile of furs. Daria looks at Elora's empty bed and then she turns to Upchuck in anger.)  
Daria (with almost palpable relief): Deceiver!  
(She lunges at Upchuck but he kicks the dagger out of her hand. Robert and the rest of the soldiers draw their swords.)  
Robert: Stop him!  
(Upchuck grabs Daria's sword and slices the tent's centre pole in half. The tent begins to collapse. He grabs Daria and _kisses_ her as the tent falls around them. Mack crawls out of the tent with Elora while Upchuck then slices a hole in the tent with the sword. Mack watches in awe as Upchuck fights off several Nockmaar soldiers [football players].)  
Mack: You ARE great!  
(Upchuck gives his sword a little flip and smiles at Mack, but then he promptly slips and falls. Quite a few more soldiers head in their direction.)  
Upchuck: Get on that shield!  
(Mack spots the shield and runs over to it. He then sits himself on it as Upchuck fights off the other soldiers. Upchuck is just about to hop onto the shield with Mack when Daria comes out of the remains of her tent.)  
Upchuck: Daria! (pause) I mean Sorsha  
(He takes a step toward her, but halts when Robert emerges from the tent.)  
Robert: After them!  
(Upchuck quickly gets on the shield behind Mack and pushes to get the shield to move. They begin their adventure down the mountain.)  
Nockmaar Soldier: They're getting away!

Scene 40: Mack, Upchuck and "Elora" go sledding down the mountain.

Scene 41: the Nockmaar Camp.  
(Tad and Tricia struggle to get out of the collapsed tent.)  
Tad: Where are you, Tricia?  
Tricia: Where are you?  
Tad: I don't know.  
(They finally get out into the sun.)  
Tad: Oh no, where did everybody go?  
Tricia: Maybe it was something we said.

Scene 42: (Robert and his men race after Mack and Upchuck who are still on a wild ride down the mountain. The shield hits a small cliff and goes airborne for a moment, but in that time Mack falls off the shield and begins to roll down the mountain. Upchuck and the doll manage to stay on the shield which quickly makes its way into a small village. They slide through the village and slide right into a hut that has the door open. There is a loud crash. Upchuck walks to the open door and looks out. His eyes widen as he sees Mack heading towards them.)  
Upchuck: Mack! I mean - Willow! I mean - oh, never mind!  
(Mack is now covered with many layers of snow and has become a human snowball. Only his feet stick out. The snowball is heading directly for Upchuck's hut. Upchuck quickly shuts the door. We hear the sound of the impact and some snow flies through the window and hits him on the face. He opens the door and goes to check on Mack who is struggling out of the remaining snowball as the villagers watch in amazement.)  
Mack: Madmartigan! (holding his head) What the hell happened up there? You started spouting poetry.  
Upchuck: Poetry?  
Mack: Yeah. "I love you Sorsha, I worship you Sorsha." You almost got us killed! (kicks some snow at Upchuck)  
Upchuck (tries to pretend that that was an act): "I love you Sorsha?" I don't love her - she kicked me in the face! I hate her! Don't I?  
Barch (appearing on the scene): Kael! Kael!  
Village Lookout (pointing up the mountain): Nockmaar soldiers!  
Villager: Hide, get the children! Come on!  
(The villagers scatter in panic.)  
Villager2: C'mon, hide, get the children!  
Upchuck: They're after us. We need a place to hide.  
Villager2: Come on, follow me, quick! Come on, move!  
(The villager leads them away as the Nockmaar soldiers enter the village.)

Scene 43: the cellar.  
(Mack and Upchuck are taken to a cellar. There are several other men there hiding. Suddenly a hand grabs Upchuck's shoulder. It's Kevin.).  
Kevin: I knew you'd get out of that rat trap. (pauses) Dude, you scored with Daria! Congrats!  
(Upchuck smiles, and then looks at Kevin as meanly as he can.)  
Upchuck: You left me to die, Kevin.  
Kevin: What are you talking about?

Mack: Kevin, remember your lines?

Kevin: Oh yeah. I probably saved your life. We were slaughtered and I lost a lot of good...  
Galladoorn Soldier: Shhh, quiet!  
(In the house above Daria kicks open the door and enters. She looks around.)  
Robert (O.S.): Tear this village apart! Look everywhere! Find the child!  
(One of the soldiers kicks over a table with a crash. Suddenly, a real crow flies overhead and starts attacking the men before suddenly flying away.)

Ms. Li (O.S.): Diane?

Bennett: Sorry! But it was a bargain! And besides, I had to help Janet...

Gibson (O.S.): Yeah, and you did great! This isn't a crow; this is some sort of a mutant woodpecker! It had punched holes in lot of wooden props by now!

Bennett (O.S., sounds like she might cry): I'm sorry! But it was a bargain!

(Back on the Upchuck watches what happens with interest through the spaces between the floorboards.)

Scene 44: the outside.  
(Robert and his soldiers are still terrorizing the villagers.)  
Robert: Tell Sorsha I search the north bank.  
Nockmaar Soldier: Yes, general.  
(Robert rides off with several soldiers.)

Scene 45: (The Hut)  
(Daria looks down and kicks away an animal fur and discovers the trapdoor into the cellar. All the men that were near the stairway back away into the shadows.)  
Galladoorn Soldier (to Mack, who's struggling to keep Elora quiet): Shhh, quiet!  
(Daria opens the trap door and heads down into the cellar. Kevin nudges Upchuck and gives him a dagger. Upchuck grips it as they wait for Daria to come closer. As soon as she's within reach Upchuck grabs her wrist and jerks her off the steps while placing the dagger at her throat.)  
Nockmaar Soldier (one of several coming down the steps): Sorsha!  
Upchuck: Back. Back!  
(The soldiers back up. Upchuck, still using Daria as a shield, leads the way back up into the hut.)  
Upchuck: Back.  
Kevin (to Mack): Keep the baby quiet. (pauses) What I'm saying, it's a doll? Ms. Li, the script is dumb!

Ms. Li (O.S.): Kevin, shut up.  
Mack (without flinching): She needs to be changed.

Kevin: Dude, she's a doll! She doesn't need to be changed!

Mack: Kevin, shut up.  
Upchuck (looking out the window at the violence outside): Nockmaar scum.  
Daria (struggling): You'll never defeat us. Give up the baby!  
Upchuck (half-acting half-serious): Lovely Daria, please shut up!  
(Mack sets Elora down next to the fireplace and begins to change her.)  
Kevin: What does Li want with this baby anyway?  
Mack: She's a princess. We're taking her to Tir Asleen.  
Kevin: Tir Asleen? Even if you could find it, peck, she's right - you'd never get past the Nockmaar army.  
Mack: There's an even bigger army at Tir Asleen, if we can just get there.  
Kevin (to Upchuck): I've lost more than half my army fighting Bavmorda. Now you and this peck are going to take her on? You always told me you served no one, Madmartigan. Since when are you a crusader? (to Mack) He's not going to help you, peck. He's a worthless thief. (pauses, as he realizes what he just said) Ms. Li, isn't this, like, slander? Upchuck may be a geek, but he's no thief.

Ms. Li (O.S.): It's the script, Kevin, you won't be sued.

Kevin: That's a load of your mind.  
Upchuck (ignoring Kevin's idiocy): I'm not a thief, Airk.  
Mack (to Kevin): He's not a thief. (to Upchuck) Are you?  
(Upchuck ponders his answer, then he stands up and drags Daria with him.)  
Upchuck (dryly): Thanks for the show of trust, Mack Daddy.

Mack: Don't call me that!

Ms. Li (O.S.): Don't deviate from the script!

Upchuck (sighing): I serve the Nelwyn, Airk. (Mack smiles.) Want to come with us?  
Kevin: You'll never make it, Madmartigan.  
Upchuck: Then once again we say goodbye.  
(He forces Daria outside, followed by Mack with Elora. Upchuck and Daria mount one of the horses. Mack vaults himself and Elora onto the other one. Suddenly Daria cries out.)  
Daria: Over here!  
Nockmaar Soldier: Sorsha!  
(Many of the soldiers advance on the horses.)  
Upchuck (with the dagger still to Daria's throat): Weapons down or she's dead.  
(They all throw down their swords.)  
Mack (to his hinny): Hyaah, hyaah!  
(The four of them ride out of the village and immediately the soldiers grab their swords.)  
Nockmaar Soldier: Get to the hinnys and donkeys, after them!  
(But they are not able to as Kevin and his men choose this moment to come charging out of hiding. The villagers join in the attack. Barch goes after Mack and Upchuck as Kevin pauses a moment to watch them ride away.)

Scene 46: (Mountain Pass)  
(It's no longer snowy here. Mack and Elora ride just ahead of Upchuck and Daria.)  
Barch: This way! This way! As the crow flies, you men!  
Daria: You're holding me too tight!  
Upchuck: Well, I don't want you to get away.  
Daria: Why? Because I'm your sun, your moon, your starlit sky?  
Upchuck: Get your hair out of my face or I'll chop it off. (pause) Did I really... did I really say those things last night in your tent?  
Daria: You said you loved me.  
Upchuck: I don't remember that.  
Daria: You lied to me.  
Upchuck: No, I... I just wasn't myself last night.  
Daria: I suppose my power enchanted you and you were helpless against it.  
Upchuck: Sort of.  
Daria: Then what?  
Upchuck: It went away.  
Daria (try to act angry but comes rather relieved): Went away? "I dwell in darkness without you," and it went away?  
Upchuck: Yeah.  
(She elbows him in the stomach and then hops off the horse and takes off running. Upchuck stumbles off the horse and goes after her. He tackles her and knocks her to the ground.)  
Mack (to his horse): Whoa.  
(Upchuck and Daria don't move. They just gaze into each other's eyes.)  
Barch: Hurry! Kael's coming. War!  
(Upchuck pulls Daria to her feet and begins dragging her back to the horse.)  
Mack: Upchuck, come on! Now!  
(Daria manages to get free and runs off. Once again Upchuck goes to follow her.)  
Mack: Upchuck, come on!  
(Upchuck stops.)  
Barch: They're coming. Away!  
Mack (to his horse): Go on, hyaah!  
(Upchuck turns back to his horse and climbs on. Daria turns back and she and Upchuck share a look. Then she turns and runs off. Upchuck follows after Mack.)  
Upchuck: Haah!

Ms. Li (O.S.): Excellently done! But Miss Morgendorffer, try to act a bit more in charge around Mr. Ruttheimer, okay?

Daria (giving Ms. Li an evil look, under her breath): Your day will come, Li, your day will come...

Scene 47: another trail.

Robert (spurring his mule): Come on!

Scene 48: Tir Asleen.  
(Outside the castle Mack and Upchuck race towards the bridge.)  
Barch: Tir Asleen! At last, Tir Asleen!  
(The group enters the castle and brings their horses to a halt. They all look around.)  
Upchuck (shouting): Hello? Hello! Hello!  
(No one is here. Li has turned all the people into blocks of ice.)  
Upchuck: Why did I listen to you, peck? (mockingly) "Everything'll be all right once we get to Tir Asleen." The only army around here is the one that's about to ride across this valley and wipe us out!  
Mack: But Cherlindrea said we'd be safe here!  
Upchuck: Safe? Look at these people! This place is cursed, peck. It's falling apart. Open your eyes. And it... (he stops speaking as he steps in some troll dung.) Trolls. (He kicks some of the dung off his shoe.)  
Mack (acting horrified): I hate trolls!

Tad (O.S.): Yeah, they are a pain since they got a lot of hit points and they regenerate!

Daria (O.S.): Tad, this is _not_ a D&D game!

Tad (O.S.): Yes it is, albeit a bad one!

Daria (O.S.): Can't argue about the latter part, but this is still not game!

Ms. Li (O.S.): Will both of you just shut up?

(There's silence, then Barch decides to continue as if nothing is wrong.)  
Barch: This is the work of Bavmorda.  
(Upchuck wanders off to look around.)  
Barch: Willow, the wand! Turn me back into my human form.  
Mack: Are you sure?

Upchuck (quietly): Yeah, it might scare away the trolls.

Barch: What?

Ms. Li (O.S., angry): Mr. Ruttheimer!

Upchuck (mock-sincerely): Whoops. Sorry.

Scene 49: the Armoury.  
(Upchuck enters with a very irritated look on his face. His irritation quickly turns to a turn for the better when he spots the weapons stored here. He picks up a sword and swings it around.)  
Upchuck: Good.  
(He turns around and spots a wonderful suit of armour.)

Scene 50: the Courtyard.  
Barch: Hurry, Willow. Transform me.  
Mack: I can't do it. I'm just not a sorcerer. (pauses, adds somewhat dryly) And a man.  
Barch: Well, we all have our defects! But according to the script you have to speak, and be one with the words - whatever that is. Oh, just read your lines!

Ms. Li (O.S.): Stop improvising, Janet!  
(Mack points the wand at Barch and begins to chant.)  
Mack: Avalorium... greenan... luatha...  
(Mack happens to glance up at the sound of horses heading towards the castle.)  
Barch: No, Willow, you're losing me!  
Mack: Upchuck, Kael's coming!  
Barch: Willow-w-w, you i-i-idiot!  
(Barch has now been turned into a goat - i.e. is dressed somewhat like a satyr.)  
Mack (as she runs away): Raziel?  
(Upchuck comes out into the courtyard. He's now wearing the suit of armour.)  
Upchuck: Mack, arm that catapult up there!  
(Mack goes to do as he's instructed. Upchuck goes over to the open gate and begins to close it. It's not easy work however, and he must use all his strength and use the stone wall as a prop. He just manages to get the gate closed, just as the Nockmaar soldiers arrive. He laughs at them through the gate.)  
Barch: Good work, you ma-a-an.  
Upchuck (begins to laugh wildly): What the Hell happened to you?

Barch (seething): Shut-up, you man!

Scene 51: outside.

Robert: Assault! Sorsha, the battering ram!

Scene 52: the courtyard.

Upchuck rolls a barrel of some sorts onto a narrow causeway.

Scene 53: outside.

(Daria points to a tall tree)

Daria: cut it down!

Scene 54: the courtyard.

(Mack and Upchuck arm the catapult)

Scene 55: outside.

(Daria supervises as the tree gets cut down)

Daria: Faster!

Scene 56: the courtyard.

(Mack looks outside just in time to see the new battering ram.)

Scene 57: outside.

Robert: Forward! Break it down!

(The gate withstands the first blow but it clearly won't take much damage to open.)

Scene 58: the courtyard - upper level.

Mack runs across a wooden bride. There is a troll [a guy in a rubber suit] above him, but he doesn't notice.

Scene 59: outside.

Robert (supervising the battering ram operation): Again! Again!

Scene 60: the courtyard - Upper Level.  
(Mack sets the doll down in a little nook. He goes to try the door again when the troll drops down on him.)  
Barch: (from ground level) Mack, use the wand on that troll!  
(Mack pulls out the wand and zaps the troll.)  
Mack: Bellanockt!  
(The "troll" gives a little scream and falls, twitching.)  
Mack: Eww!  
(He kicks the remains of the troll into a small pond of water, which immediately erupts in foul-smelling smoke.)

Mack: Nice spec-effects, Jane!

Jane (O.S., sounding really evil for a change): Oh, you haven't seen anything yet, my hearty!

(Mack looks worried)

Scene 61: outside.

(The gate is finally giving way)

Robert: Break it down! Forward!

Scene 62: the Courtyard.  
(The whole of the army rushes into Tir Asleen. However, Upchuck is ready for them. He shoots a few of the men in front with two crossbows that he holds. He stands up and begins to wave his sword about. But, behind him something rises up out of the pond. It looks like a mutant TechnoZoid with two heads from which steam goes, making the creature look and sound a bit like a steam train. Needless to say the actors of the Nockmaar soldiers freeze when they see it, and then haul butt out of castle. Upchuck watches them run away with a grin. But then he hears a sound behind him and he turns to see what it is. He spots the two-headed monstrosity and is dumbfounded. Just as it about to step on him, he then regains his wits and runs out after the Nockmaar soldiers. The dragon shoots a missile of fire after him. Just outside the gates everyone comes to a halt. They are all looking at the dragon in fear, and then they realize that Upchuck is standing in the middle of them.)  
Robert: Get him!  
(Upchuck runs back into the castle with the army just behind him. The battle begins. Mack, on the upper level, tries to escape from the dragon, but the dragon torches one end of the bridge and he's trapped.)

Mack (in shock): Jane?

Jane (O.S.): Live my creation! Live!  
Daria (to herself): This is the last time Ms. Li will put you in charge of the effects... (pauses, remembers her lines, turns to the soldiers) The other side!

Soldier (genuinely confused): Other side of what?

Daria (looks confused herself, and then shrugs): Oh, just follow me!  
(As the battle continues, it's obvious that the Nockmaar soldiers aren't very concerned with Upchuck. They are more concerned with killing the dragon. The dragon, in turn, is unaffected by the arrows that hit it, and it continues to munch on Nockmaar soldiers.)  
Robert: Destroy the beast! Find the baby!  
(Barch kicks one of the soldiers off the ramparts.)  
Barch: Ba-a-ah! Take tha-a-at!  
(Mack is confronted by another troll, and this time he tries to use one of his magic acorns on it. But it slips from his fingers, and it turns one of the wooden boards on the bridge to stone [special effects to be added later]. The troll discovers the doll and Mack pokes it in the butt with a flaming stick. He runs past the troll, but the boards break underneath him. He grabs the legs of the troll as he falls, and then they both find themselves hanging under the bridge. Mack uses the troll to climb to a safe spot under the bridge, and just as he's out of harm's way the dragon notices the troll and grabs him for lunch. While all of this is going on, Daria stops to watch Upchuck fighting. Upchuck notices several trolls closing in on Mack.)  
Upchuck: Mack!  
(As Daria watches, Upchuck climbs up to the catapult. He manages to get rid of some soldiers while he's at it.)  
Mack: I can't believe that I'm saying it, but Upchuck, help! Or Jane's crazy creation will kill all of us!  
(Upchuck launches himself from the catapult.)  
Upchuck: Willow!  
(He hits the castle wall, hard, and falls down beside Mack, onto a troll.)  
Mack: Hit him, Madmartigan!  
(The troll growls at Upchuck, and Upchuck growls back even louder. The troll cringes and Upchuck kicks it off the bridge.)  
Upchuck (handing Mack a sword): Here.  
(He takes a deep breath and jumps onto one of the dragon's heads. The one head shakes to get Upchuck off, but it doesn't work. Suddenly the door that Mack has been trying to get through opens and two Nockmaar soldiers walk onto the bridge. They spot Elora.)  
Nockmaar Soldier: The baby!  
(They move to attack Mack, but he rushes them with the sword from Upchuck and easily [he _is_ the football team's captain] drives them back into the castle. They all fall into a heap just inside the door. At that moment, Robert gets into the room. Just outside the room, Upchuck is still doing his best to kill the dragon. As Daria watches he plunges his sword through the dragon's head and then falls to the ground. With her sword in hand, she walks up to him. He backs up a little, but she pulls him to his feet. The wounded head of the dragon whips around trying to disengage the sword, but it doesn't work and the head explodes in a cloud of electric sparks and fires that any plastic doll of old would be proud off. The other head falls to the ground and the dragon goes kabloey. Suddenly the Calvary arrives.)  
Nockmaar Soldier: Kevin's, I mean Airk's army! Get Robert! I mean Kael!  
(Out in the valley Kevin and his men are racing towards Tir Asleen.)  
Nockmaar Soldier: Kevin's army!

Scene 63: the Valley.  
(Tad and Tricia are riding besides Kevin.)  
Tad: We are here!  
Tricia: You are rescued!  
Tad & Tricia: Chaaarge!

Scene 64: the Courtyard.  
(Robert rides toward the gate, carrying the doll. He stops for a moment when he sees Daria and Upchuck fighting back to back against Nockmaar soldiers. He takes note of this and then rides towards Kevin's army.)  
Robert: No mercy!

Scene 65: the valley.

(Robert easily races through Kevin's army and towards Nockmaar.)

Scene 66: the Courtyard.  
(Mack comes out into the courtyard dragging the sword with blood running down the side of his face.)  
Mack: Elora!  
Upchuck: Willow!  
(He and Daria run over to Mack, but before they can reach him he falls to the ground.)  
Mack (play-sobbing): Elora's gone!  
Upchuck: Willow...  
Mack: They've taken her. There were too many of them.  
Upchuck: Willow, can you ride?  
(Mack looks up at him.)  
Upchuck: Let's ride.  
(Mack braces himself, then nods in agreement.)

Scene 67: Nockmaar  
Robert: I have the child!  
(He races across the drawbridge, which closes behind him. Just a few moments later Upchuck and Daria arrive. Upchuck shouts up at the gate in frustration. The rest of Kevin's army and Kevin himself arrive.)  
Kevin: We need towers and a battering ram. Break out the tents. Make camp!  
(Behind Kevin, Tad gestures with his sword and hits Tricia in the face.)  
Tad (laughing maniacally): Make camp! Ah ha ha ha ha ha hee ha!

Tricia (hitting him back): Tad, shut up!  
Kevin (ignoring [or maybe not noticing] the fighting behind him): We'll assault at first light.

Daria: Tad, Tricia, cut it out!

Scene 68: the Throne Room.  
(Li looks over Elora with a smile.)  
Li: Where's Sorsha?  
Robert: She has turned against us, your highness.  
Li (trying to act enraged, doesn't do it very well): Turned against me? (storming out of the room) Prepare for the ritual!

Scene 69: the Ramparts.  
(Li reaches the wall of the castle and looks out onto the army that waits just outside.)  
Li (laughs an evil laugh, does it much more convincing than Tad): This is not an army. (laughs some more)  
Barch: Willow, quick! Hide!  
(Barch hustles him into a tent. The rest of the army looks up at Li with unease.)

Scene 70: the Tent.  
Barch: Use the shelter chant. Protect yourself!  
Mack: Say what?  
Barch: Just lip-synch it or something!  
(Mack falls to his knees and raises the wand.)

Scene 71: Outside  
Upchuck (to Li): We've come for Elora Danan.  
Li: You dare to challenge me? You're not warriors - you're pigs!  
(As Li begins her spell, Upchuck starts to act turning into a pig, overacting it badly.)  
Li (gesturing): You're all pigs!  
(The rest of the army begins to copy Upchuck's pig-turning, even Tad and Tricia.)  
Li: Pigs... (snorts)

Scene 72: the Tent  
(Mack continues to use the shelter chant.)  
Mack: Avagdu... luatha... bairno fhaeferan...

Scene 73: outside.  
(The rest of the army continues to change into pigs while Li watches with glee.)  
Li: Sorsha!  
Daria (untouched by the spell, i.e. acting normally): Li, I mean Bavmorda, don't!  
(Li acts stunned. But she recovers quickly and gestures at Daria.)  
Li: Kothon!  
(Daria falls over and begins to transform.)

Scene 74: the Tent.  
Mack: Avagdu... luatha... bairno fhaeferan... Avagdu... luatha... bairno fhaeferan...

Scene 75: the Castle Tower.  
(The druids bind Elora so she can't move. Li enters the room.)  
Li: Begin the ritual. This baby will not destroy me.  
(One of the druids lights a candle as Li changes her robe. She calls up to the sky.)  
Li: Come thunder! Come lightning! Touch this altar with your powers.  
(Sadly, Jane messes up and Li ends up catapulted like Mack did some time earlier. Only this time there's no hook to catch her.)

Ms. Li (O.S., weakly): Cut...

Scene 75a: the Castle Tower.

(The set is the same as it was before.)

Li: Come thunder! Come lightning! Touch this altar with your powers.

(Now, instead of a weight, water pours down, illuminated by the stage lights.)

Li (muttering darkly): I guess this will have to do...

Scene 76: the Rebel Camp.  
(Mack walks out of the tent and sees that the entire army has been "turned into pigs". He runs back inside the tent and throws himself down to the ground in front of Barch.)  
Mack: We've come all this way and now Elora Danan's going to die!  
Barch: Pick yourself together, you man, we can still defeat Li.  
Mack: We can? But she's too powerful, Raziel.  
Barch: Transform me, and I will destroy her.  
(She walks up to Mack, who gets to his feet and raises the wand.)  
Mack (gesturing with the wand): Elements of eternity, above and below. Balance of essence, fire begets snow. (He closes his eyes and aims the wand at Barch.)  
Mack: Locktwarr danalora, luatha danu, tuatha tuatha, chroax danu...  
Barch (at the same time): Willow... believe in the words... concentrate...  
Mack: Locktwarr danalora, luatha danu, tuatha tuatha, chroax danu... Locktwarr danalora...  
Barch (at the same time squeals):... Oh no! (more squealing)  
Mack: Locktwarr danalora, luatha danu, tuatha tuatha, chroax danu...  
Barch (at the same time): Willow, don't give up! Willow!  
Mack (straining harder and harder): Locktwarr danalora, luatha danu, tuatha tuatha, chroax danu... Locktwarr danalora, luatha danu, tuatha tuatha, chroax danu... Aahh!  
Barch (at the same time): Oh, Willow!  
(Mack opens his eyes and sees Barch as he regular self.)  
Mack: Raziel.  
(Mack walks over and covers her with a blanket.)  
Barch: Has it been so long?  
(Mack just shrugs, unwilling to touch _that_ topic)

Barch (turning serious): Willow, we have work to do. Give me the wand. (he does) We must undo Bavmorda's sorcery. Let them in, now.  
(Mack opens the tent flap and one of the pigs comes in. Barch points the wand at it.)  
Barch: Luathagain snoox, foluafamu...

Scene 77: the Castle Tower  
(Ms. Li is trying to cut off a lock off the doll's head. However, this doll doesn't have any.)

Ms. Li (forgetting that she's on camera): Where's a doll with the hair?

(A doll with hair [one of the old plastic ones] is given to her. She cuts off a lock of her hair, and there's a sproing sound as the doll just blows apart, knocking Ms. Li off the feet.)

Ms. Li: Cut!

Scene 77a: the castle tower.

(The scene is still the same, only now Ms. Li drops a lock of hair into a bowl of blood. A druid takes this bowl and pours it into an even larger bowl of blood.)  
Ms Li: Black fires forever kindled within, let the second rite begin!

Scene 78: the Rebel Camp.  
(Several soldiers hurry towards Barch's tent.)  
Soldier (whispering): Quick, inside!  
(Inside the tent a meeting is taking place.)  
Kevin (reading his lines): That won't breach the wall. We can't get inside.  
Daria (in a monotone, almost bored): Elora Danan will die...  
Barch:...unless we save her.  
Soldier: Bavmorda's too powerful!  
Barch: No! She cannot transform you again; my spell is protecting this camp!  
Upchuck: But can your magic get us inside the fortress?  
(Barch shakes her head 'no'.)  
Kevin: We can't do it.  
Mack (pushing his way forward): Wait! Back home in my village, we have a lot of gophers.  
Upchuck: Mack, this is war, not agriculture. (pauses) Uh, are you talking about the rodents, the tortoises, or those rattlesnake-like reptiles.  
Mack (blink): I think the script meant the rodents. (pauses, remembers his lines) I know, I know. But I have an idea how to get inside the castle.  
(All the soldiers lean in close to hear his idea.)

Scene 79: the Castle Tower.  
(The ritual continues as Ms. Li dips her hands into the blood and raises them over her head.)  
Ms. Li: Och vath bordak steerah, och vath bordak steerah, och vath bordak steerah, and och vath bordak steerah!

Scene 80: the Rebel Camp.  
Kevin: Come on, Mack Daddy. You know that your plan will never work.  
(Upchuck looks a little worried.)  
Barch: You have any better ideas, you man? If the baby dies, all hope for the future is lost. I'm going to fight.  
Mack: Me too.  
(Upchuck and Daria exchange a glance. They are both going in.)  
Upchuck: All right, we've got decide who's going to go and who's going to stay.

Scene 81: the Dawn.  
(The remains of the Rebel camp are littered across the ground. The only people left are Mack and Barch. They stand before the castle, not moving. Several soldiers on the wall watch them. Mack holds a staff in one hand, and a small drum sits beside him on the ground.)  
Mack: Raziel...  
Barch: Now listen, you man. All these years I have waited to face Li. It is you that has made this possible. Whatever happens, I shall always... well, owe you. (Mack reaches down and touches the braid of Jodie's hair.) Your children will come to remember this day.  
(Robert joins the soldiers on the wall and they look down at Mack and Barch.)  
Barch: We call upon you to surrender!  
Mack: We are all-powerful sorcerers. Give us the baby, or we will destroy you!  
(All of the soldiers laugh at their gall.)  
Robert: Kill them!  
(The drawbridge lowers and several soldiers ride out on horses. Mack shifts the staff that he's holding as if he's going to defend himself.)  
Barch: Patience, you man.  
Mack (to himself): Got to admit, this looks impressive...  
(As the soldiers get closer Mack suddenly raises the staff and strikes the drum twice, shouting as he does so.)  
Mack: Yaa-ah! Yaa-ah!  
(Suddenly Kevin's army rises up from holes in the ground that were covered by tarps. They are all on horses and they charge the Nockmaar soldiers.)  
Nockmaar Soldier: Back to the castle!  
(The Nockmaar soldiers haul butt back to the castle, but Kevin's army is in hot pursuit. The soldiers thunder into the courtyard.)

Scene 82: the Castle Tower.  
(A druid strikes the gong, while the other two walk around the altar with lit candles.)  
Ms Li (addressing the opening in the ceiling): Ocht veth nockkthirth bordak! Exile the child to the thirteenth night!

Scene 83: the Courtyard.  
(Daria leads Mack and Barch towards the tower.)  
Daria: This way!  
(As they make their way to the tower the battle around them continues. Several Nockmaar soldiers have formed a circle. The ones on the outside of the circle have shields to protect them. The ones on the inside are shooting arrows at the rebels. Kevin takes charge of this situation by pouring a vat of some sort of foul-smelling liquid [provided by Jane and Andrea] on the circle of men. They all scatter in pain.)

Scene 84: the Tower Stairs.  
(Daria, Mack, and Barch slowly approach the door to the tower chamber. They can hear Ms. Li chanting and Elora crying. Mack suddenly stops.)  
Barch: It's all right, you man for _you_ to be afraid. You don't have to go.  
Ms. Li (O.S.): Light the thirteenth candle!  
(Daria and Barch continue on while Mack stays where he is.)

Scene 85: the Tower Chamber  
(Barch throws the door open and a fierce wind blows out all the candles. Ms. Li appears to have aged quite a bit since she began this ritual.)  
Ms. Li: Barch.  
Daria (stepping forward): I...  
Ms. Li: Traitor. I must despise you now.

Daria: You must? You haven't before?

(Ms. Li just nods her head at her druids who proceed to attack Daria. Daria doesn't even blink and all three of the druids go down quickly.)  
Daria (approaching Ms. Li): I won't let you kill that... doll.  
Ms. Li: Away! Avaggdu! Strockt!  
(Ms. Li gestures with her hand and a weight falls down from the ceiling, and Daria is thrown into the air [much like Mack was earlier]. Spikes suddenly appear on the wall and Daria is set toward it. Barch throws out her hand and Daria smashes into some sort of a glass wall and skids down only barely conscious.)

Daria: Mack, I owe you an apology.

Ms. Li: Miss Lane, what is the meaning of that?

Jane (O.S.): Hey, you told me that the old "hook-in-the-air" schtick isn't going to cut it next time, so we improvised. (pause) Sorry about this Daria, but on the other hand - these hooks are stained glass images.

Ms. Li (eyes narrowing): Diane...

Bennett (O.S.): Well, I had to save money somewhere that I spent on the animals.  
Ms. Li: I'll take care of this later, when we're finished with the shooting of the film. (pause, gets back into character) Your powers have gained in strength, Raziel.  
Barch: I have Cherlindrea's wand, Bavmorda. Elora Danan will be queen!

Daria (quietly): I hurt...

Scene 86: the Courtyard.  
(The battle continues, and it's hard to say who's winning. Tad and Tricia throw several spears at the Nockmaar soldiers. Robert and Kevin finally meet in combat.)  
Robert: Now you die!  
Kevin (charging): Yaaaaahhhh!

Scene 87: the Tower Chamber.  
(Li and Barch continue to fight each other with spells. Li shoots a ball of fire at Barch and engulfs her in flames. Barch then shoots a blast of ice at Li and turns her to into a block of ice. They both escape the spells. One of the blasts of energy causes a stone pillar to fall and trap Barch. Li gets up and makes her way over to the wand. But Barch uses her magic to call the wand to her and aims it at Li just as Li reaches her. Barch sends Li flying up into the rafters and slams her up against the wall.)  
Barch: Cly...cly... clymain! Lunanockt!  
(Li falls to the floor and doesn't move. Barch uses this time to free herself from the stones. She slowly makes her way over to Li. Barch lifts a piece of material away from Li's face and Li comes quickly to life and grabs for the wand. Blasts of energy shoot all across the room as they both wrestle for the wand. Mack slowly makes his way into the room and over to Elora. As he passes by a metal stand, it gets hit by a blast of energy and it comes to life. It moves towards him and Mack makes a run for it, but it keeps coming after him.)

Scene 88: the Courtyard.  
(The fight between Kevin and Robert continues.)

Robert: Hey, it's the dog!

Kevin (fearfully, he remembers the philo-braziliero): Where?

(Robert hits him on the head and Kevin drops like a rock.)  
Upchuck: Airk! (runs over to Kevin) Airk...  
Kevin: Ouch  
(Upchuck now goes to fight Robert. He takes Kevin's sword and goes after him, killing several Nockmaar soldiers in the process. He reaches Robert and they fight. Once again the odds seem to be in Robert's favour. Upchuck falls back, bleeding from his arm, and holding Kevin's broken sword.)  
Robert: Die, you jerk!  
(Upchuck runs into a hut of sorts to escape Robert until he can get another sword. He manages to find a sword and the battle continues. Upchuck swings around and breaks Robert's skull mask. He goes to finish the job, but he hears a scream from the tower and heads up the steps, fighting all the way. Robert watches him go and then gets up and goes after him. Their battle continues.)

Scene 89: the Tower Chamber.  
(Li and Barch continue their battle. Mack has now found an iron trident and uses it to trip the metal stand as it comes after him. The stand falls to the ground and Mack then uses the trident to push the stand out the window.)

Scene 90: the Courtyard - Upper Level.  
(Robert has managed to corner Upchuck when a weight falls from above and Robert is catapulted straight into the air.)

Kevin (O.S.): Gotcha you jerk!

Robert (O.S.): This wasn't in the script.

Kevin (O.S.): Big deal.

(Upchuck shrugs and watches what happens next)

Scene 91: the Tower Chamber.  
(Mack slowly makes his way over to the altar as Li chokes Barch into unconsciousness. Li stands up and turns to the altar, but it's empty. She turns and sees Mack running towards the door with Elora in his arms.)  
Li: Huh? Beeairn! (She waves her hand and the door slams shut.) Bring back that child, peck. (Mack turns around to face her.) Who are you?  
Mack: I'm Willow Ufgood. (He pauses, then remembers the acorns in his pouch.) I am a great sorcerer. (Li chuckles.) Greater than Barch. Greater than you, even. I am the greatest sorcerer!  
(He throws an acorn at her and Li catches it. She stops laughing as her hand and arm turn to stone. She grips the stone arm and focuses all her magic on that arm. After a moment the hand and arm return to normal. Mack now looks a little worried. Li shakes the dust of the acorn from her hand.)  
Li: Is that the extent of your powers, little one?  
(Mack runs behind some stones and hides.)  
Li: Now you will watch me draw upon the power of the universe to send that child into the netherworld. Now place it on the altar!  
(Mack takes a step toward the altar, and then stops.)  
Mack: No!  
Li: No?  
Mack: You stupid hag! With my magic, I'll send her into the... into a...  
Li: Ha ha ha! You're no sorcerer!  
Mack:...into a realm where evil cannot touch her!  
Li: Impossible! There's no such place!  
Mack: Helgafel swath ben helgafel, bairn off danu famuwa... Helgafel swath ben helgafel...  
Li: (speaking over Mack's chant) You're a fool. I shall destroy you and the child with you.  
(She begins her spell, but her words are not as loud as Mack's chant.)  
Mack:...bairn off danu famuwa... Goodbye, Elora.  
Li: Ooh hee butstee! (DeFoe's wand flies into her hand.)  
Mack: Helgafel!  
(He waves his clock and Elora disappears. Li gasps in shock. Mack cries out in pain and falls to the floor clutching his wrist. Barch finally wakes up.)  
Li: Impossible!  
(She takes a step towards him but she knocks over the bowls of blood and they spill all over her. The wand begins to glow as she raises it to destroy Mack.)  
Li: You...  
(She never finishes because at that moment another weight falls down and Li is catapulted just as Robert was moments earlier, to Mack and Daria's great amusement. At that moment Barch [it seems that Ms. Li got a bit carried away with her role] wakes up.)  
Barch: Willow! Where's the doll?  
(Mack goes behind some stones and comes out with it.)  
Mack: It was just my old disappearing pig trick.  
Barch (laughing): Oh ho ho ho, well done! That is, for a man!

Scene 92: (Tir Asleen)  
(The castle now looks like it's supposed to. Great banners hang from the castle walls and all the people are alive. Mack is preparing to go home and everyone has come to see him off. Both Upchuck and Daria have become citizens of this city, and it looks as though they are in charge.)  
Barch (hands him a book): Willow Ufgood, receive this book of magic. You are on your way to becoming a great sorcerer - for a man, that is.  
(Mack opens the book and looks at a few of the pages with pleasure.)  
Tricia: Willow the sorcerer!  
Tad: You make us proud! (pause) Hey, that's a good title for a D&D character

Tricia (groaning): Tad!

(Mack grins at them. Daria kneels down next to him with the doll in her arms. Mack lightly touches the doll's cheek.)  
Mack: Goodbye, Elora Danan.  
(He leans down and play-kisses her on the cheek. Upchuck helps Mack onto a beautiful white mule that is just right for him. They shake hands and then Upchuck smacks the pony on the rump and it takes off - hard.)

Mack: Upchuck!  
Tad: Goodbye, Willow!  
Tricia: Farewell!  
(Tricia takes off her rat hat and waves it at Mack. All the people of Tir Asleen wave good-bye to Mack.)

Scene 93: the Nelwyn Valley  
(Mack rides into the village and is immediately spotted by one of the villagers.)  
Man: Willow! Willow! Willow's back! Willow's back!  
Villagers: Willow! Willow's home!  
(The whole village gathers around him as he rides into the centre of town.)  
Ted: (coming out of his hut) Willow!  
Mack: (grinning) Hey, Meegosh!  
(Mack brings the pony to a halt. The High Aldwin walks up and takes Mack's hand, grinning with pride. Mack pulls an apple out of his pouch and throws it up into the air.)  
Child (reading his lines): It's a bird, he made a bird!  
(Mack winces as the rock falls on Gibson's head. On the outskirts of the village Jodie, Tricia, and Tad walk slowly into the centre of town.)  
Mack (spotting his girlfriend): Kiaya! (He hops off the pony and runs toward her.)  
Jodie: Willow?  
Mack: Kiaya!  
Jodie: Willow! Willow! (She runs towards him.)  
Mack: Kiaya!  
(They meet and embrace. The children run up to their father.)  
Tricia & Tad: Dada! Dada! I missed you!  
Mack (hugging them): Oh, I missed you too!  
(Mack stands up and greets all his other friends as the number of villagers grows. The camera pulls back and we see the whole of the Nelwyn Valley.)

**End of the "movie".**

And we're back in the auditorium. Many of the people there now have bruises and a few sprains, and quite a few are unhappy. Ms. Li, of course, is on a roll, speaking:

Ms Li: Dear staff and students, I've just submitted our film to our clients, and they've been very pleased! More contracts are sure to follow-

The auditorium erupts in indignant shouts.

DM: Angela, you could've killed somebody!

Mack: Yeah, like me! Or Upchuck!

Angie: Yeah, and those dolls! They are evil!

Ted: You said it!

Kevin: And what about that dog? That's a monster and no mistake!

Gibson (to Kevin): You shut up!

Daria (to Jane): Aren't you going to say anything?

Jane (to Daria, bitterly): Damn Upchuck has ruined my first masterpiece ever!

Daria: Jane, that double-headed monstrosity, was, well, monstrous!

Jane: And perfect in its' monstrosity! Me and Andrea had built it out of scrap! And it worked without a hitch! Until Upchuck-

Daria: There, there.

Quinn (to the FC): Don't gripe Sandi, it wasn't easy to act on the set! I had to rely on Daria and Upchuck of all people to shine! And I didn't! Upchuck's stunt with the burning wagon has stolen all the glory!

Sandi: Well, at least you had a chance at it! We on the other hand didn't!

Quinn: Well, maybe you'll get a shot next time! Talk to Ms. Li or something!

Sandi: Isn't for you to say! Your cousin Daria is the star!

Quinn: But only because Brittany messed-up.

Ms. Li (loudly): If everyone will keep quiet, they'll hear that I've received - I mean the school received - over 27,000 dollars for this movie!

DM: Yeah, and the movie before that cost us about 56,000! That's nowhere to cover our debts!

Ms. Li (shark-like smile): Mr. DeMartino, I'm touched by your show of the school spirit. But never fear - we _will_ have another movie to parody/make, and we will be victorious! I declare this meeting of LHFC over!

Daria (looking at still seething Jane, at the triumphant Li): Why do I have a feeling that my life has just become worse?

**End**


	3. Chapter 3

**Daria and Co. present: THEY'RE ALL CATS**

_Disclaimer: This is a Daria/I. Akimushkin crossover. None of the main characters (human or animal) are mine._

**Prologue**

Lawndale High's auditorium (again). Ms. Li is presiding over her students and staff once more.

Ms: Li: Hello again, staff and students of Lawndaaallle High! It is time for us to triumph in guts and glory once more!

DM (who really doesn't want to speak-up, but does so anyways): Angela, what is the meaning of this, this travesty? Haven't the last two attempts been enough? By attempts I mean disasters! I don't know _how_ we were able to stave off debt and accusations of cruelty to animals!

Ms. Li: And that brings us to my next point. Lawndale City Zoo was impressed with our theatrical performance of "Willow", so they decided to use us – and by us I mean Lawndale High's Film Club productions – to make a publicity stunt.

Jane (suspiciously): What sort of a publicity stunt? Last time, when we were doing things with animals – you remember, the "Crocodile Hunter" parody – a kangaroo ended up throwing up on me and Daria, and don't forget the crocodile itself! ...There won't be any crocodiles this time, will there, Ms. Li?

Ms. Li (suspiciously cheerfully): Of course not, Miss Lane! The people at the zoo have written the script themselves, all that Miss Morgendorffer will have to do is to speak it out, even as they provide the animals, still in their cages too, by the way.

Daria (flatly, to Quinn): Sis, this is your chance to shine, it seems. I have had it with animals, more or less, and you're as much a Miss Morgendorffer as I am. Good luck with your fledgling TV career!

Sandi (indignantly): Hey, why does Quinn gets a chance at public speaking? My mother has trained me for just such occasions, you know, I got practice! If it is so easy, Ms. Li, why does have to be Quinn?

Brittany (joining in): Yeah, and didn't my daddy tell you to give me a chance? Come on, Ms. Li, last time I was no worse an actress than Daria, please?

Ms. Li: I'm sorry, but Daria is the Miss Morgendorffer in question, it's in the contract, _Mrs._ Morgendorffer had done the legal work on the contract, it's final. Miss Griffin, you want a part? Sort it out with Miss _Daria_ Morgendorffer, then. Miss Taylor, there won't be any action on screen this time; it's more like public speaking. You sure you still want it?

Daria, Sandi and Brittany exchange rather reluctant and uncomfortable looks between each other.

Daria (resigned): Very well, principal Li, you win this one. Can the three of us at least look at the scripts to figure out who does what parts beforehand?

Ms. Li (actually smiling): Oh, I'm already on it, Miss Morgendorffer, or rather, your friend Mr. Ruttheimer is on it as we speak: he is distributing the paperwork and the like among you starting seven minutes ago!

Upchuck: Feisty! (Andrea socks him)

Daria (still resigned): Very well. Brittany... uh, Sandi, who of you wants to go first?

Sandi (cautiously): Let me see the script first...

Jane (to Daria): Good luck, amiga. I'll be on the other end of the camera, delivering coffee and donuts to the crew, should you need me.

Daria (to Jane): Thanks. I'll need it.

**Blackout**

**SCENE 1: **At thezoo – the Lawndale City zoo, to be precise. The Film-Making club is located around a clearing, where a rather rickety-looking lawn chair was situated. Sandi Griffin (backed by Daria and Brittany, for a change, as well as other students, not counting the Fashion Club) is looking at it with a certain amount of suspicion.

Sandi (to Ms. Li, primarily): Are you sure that it's safe to sit upon? I wouldn't want to have an accident-

Ms. Li (impatiently): Miss Griffin, get moving and start speaking! You're delaying the production! The show must go on!

Daria (to Jane, sotto voce): In this case, the show must begin in the first place!

Sandi (giving Jane and Daria some nasty looks, walks resignedly to the rickety lawn chair and seats down on it – the piece of furniture creaks alarmingly, but holds firm): Right then. Action?

Ms. Li (to Ms. DeFoe): Action!

Sandi (arranging herself more comfortably on the chair): The cats have come from Africa. The ancient Egyptians, who had built the great pyramids, have tamed them first. At that time, their cities were overrun with mice. "Domesticated" snakes and weasels tried to hunt them, but with mixed success. Often they were eaten by rats instead – ew! Gross!

Ms. Li: Miss Griffin, don't get distracted!

Sandi (hurriedly): Right. "Domesticated" snakes and weasels couldn't cut it, so the by-then domesticated cats had to step in. The mouse population immediately fell back down. The Egyptians fell in love with the cats, and wouldn't allow anybody to hurt them. That's why, people say, the cats' character is so proud! I say! My late Fluffy – why, he wouldn't take any lip from anybody! Not even mom! These times, good times...

Ms. Li: Miss Griffin, you're getting distracted.

Sandi (indignantly): I'm distracted? The damn script you gave us first talks about mice, then rats, then mice again. Were these pyramid-building guys overrun by mice or rats? Make up your mind!

The Zoo Liaison (sheepishly, from behind Ms. Li): Okay, I think it was supposed to be rats all the way, but our proof-reader is down with the allergies this week, so apparently some mice slipped in. Can you please repeat what you've just said with mice – I mean rats – all the way?

Sandi (reluctantly): Very well...

**SCENE 2**: The same as before.

Sandi (listening-in with clear suspicion to the sounds emitted by her chair): The cats have come from Africa. The ancient Egyptians, who had built the great pyramids, have tamed them first. At that time, their cities were overrun with _rats_. "Domesticated" snakes and weasels tried to hunt them, but with mixed success. Often they were eaten by rats instead. The _rat_ population immediately fell back down. The Egyptians fell in love with the cats, and wouldn't allow anybody to hurt them. That's why, people say, the cats' character is so proud! (Pauses)

Ms. Li: Aaand – cut! Miss Griffin, that was just fine. Keep up the good job, keep going!

Sandi (continuing in the same vein): The same can goes for the cats' paws: on some occasions they're velvety soft, on the others the sharp, hard claws at out!

Upchuck (off the camera): Feisty!

(Andrea socks him; sounds of a scuffle off camera are heard.)

Sandi (ignoring the spectacle behind the camera, or at least trying to): The cats' claws are extendable, they can stretch in and out! (Sniffles.) All of the feline kind – the tigers, the lynxes, et cetera – love to sharpen their claws! They extend them outwards, and scratch, scratch, scratch upon anything hard that they've come upon! (Sniffles again). They sharpen their keratin blades that way and get ready to hunt. They hunt at night. They see ten times better in the dark than we do! (Takes a deep breath.)

Quinn: Sandi, are you all right?

Sandi (sharply): No, I miss Fluffy!

Ms. Li: Miss Griffin: pull yourself together or take a time-out!

Sandi (sharper still): You wish! I'm fine! (Turns back to the script) Right... The small cats' have just small slits for pupils. At noon, that is. They become wider and wider as the evening approaches, while at night they're at their widest. You can check the time by their width.

DM (to the Zoo Liaison): Just who's writing that, I would like to know?

The Zoo Liaison (embarrassed): Yeah, and I would like to tell, but I can't. The union's orders.

DM (understandably): Ah.

Sandi (apparently ignoring this discussion): However, the big cats – lions, leopards, lynxes, cheetahs – have pupils as round as those in our eyes. (Takes a deep breath.) If a cat can purr, then it cannot roar. Small cats purr and big ones roar. Overall, there are 35 species of cats in the world at the present. The domestic cats have plenty of relatives. They're all strong and fierce predators, and except for tigers and lions, they can all climb trees. Our program will present the most famous relatives of the house cat. (Exhales.)

Stacy (nervously): Sandi, are you all right?

Sandi (yelling): No! I miss Fluffy, okay?

Ms. Li: Miss Griffin, control yourself?

Sandi: You try controlling yourself, when you've got I know not how many splinters up your butt and through your pants? Where did you find this piece of dirt? At the reject pile at the antique store?

The Zoo Liaison (yelling back): No! It is actually quite modern! Now are you going to have your meltdown on camera or off it?

Sandi (snarling in rage): None of your business! If I'll have a meltdown I'll let you know first, using this chair as a prop! Do you understand? Now are there going to be cats according to this script, or what?

The Zoo Liaison: Fine! (To Ms. Li): Can we afford to switch?

Sandi (still on camera) I heard that!

Ms. Li (to the Zoo Liaison): Not without a fight, I'm afraid, and Mrs. Griffin is another kettle of fish entirely, the bad press-release-backslash alone...

The Zoo Liaison (reluctantly): Fine. Bring on the wild cat!

**SCENE 3:** The same as before, save that a zoo handler comes onto the scene as well, bringing with him a leashed wild cat. It looks rather like a domestic tabby, but quite a bit bigger, brawnier, and the look in its eyes is anything but friendly.

Sandi (blinking): That's not a baby tiger, is it?

The Animal Handler: No. This is our resident wild cat, we call him Wol.

Sandi: Him? That's a tom? Is he neutered or whatever?

The Animal Handler (insulted): Of course not! This is a zoo, not an animal shelter-

Sandi (flatly): Right, according to the script I'm supposed to feed it – him – a piece of chicken? Nah-ah, I'm not feeding a strange, unhappy tom cat anything – not when there is a professional at hand!

Ms. Li (just as flatly): Miss Griffin, in the script, it is clearly said-

Sandi: My Fluffy, when he was feeling sad – could take on my mom and win, and that was after he got neutered, for the obvious reasons. This monster probably fancies himself a tiger that got sick a lot in his childhood and has an appropriately-sized bad temper. I'm not feeding him, not for anything!

Ms. Li (not budging): It in the contract and the script. Follow it, or get off the set!

Sandi (looking at her): Very well, never let it be said that a Griffin shirked down a challenge. But remember, if I get hurt, it's coming out of _your_ insurance – that's in the contract too.

Andrea (off screen): I can do it.

Sandi (flatly): Read the script while I feed the cat? Sounds like a plan. I'm in?

Ms. Li: That's, that's not what Miss Hecuba probably meant-

DM: Tough break, Angela, the camera's rolling. Sandi, Andrea, the two of you are on!

**SCENE 4:** Same as before, save that Andrea has joined Sandi and the Animal Handler with the wild cat and is busy reading off the script.

Andrea: Don't you dare pet the cat if you'll meet it in the woods: this isn't your domestic puss, it's a wild one! Oh, but is it fierce! As it will pounce, so will it trounce, it will hiss, it will diss-

Ms. Li (desperately): Miss Hecuba, no ad-libbing!

Andrea: Spoilsport. As it will pounce, so will it trounce, it will yowl, it will hiss-

Ms. Li: Miss Hecuba!

Andrea: What? I'm following the script now!

The Zoo Liaison (sheepishly): Yes, she really does.

Ms. Li: Oh. Right. Well, then, Miss Hecuba, please go on. Miss Griffin-

Sandi (resolutely): I'm just waiting for my cue-

Andrea: And it's not ready yet. Anyways, where were we? Oh, yeah: as it will pounce, so will it trounce, it will yowl, it will hiss, it will rarely miss... It attacks the dogs first, it spits upon foxes and badgers: it chases them out of their own burrows! It ambushes prey jumping from trees, even the roe deer and fawns... If it sees a hare – it'll catch the hare. It catches various birds, mice, squirrels, it even eats snakes and lizards. It catches thus the elusive capercaille: when these birds rest in their perches in the pine trees, the wild cat scales the tree. It will stalk the sleeping bird, grab it, and topple with it from the tree. Sandi?

Sandi: Yes, yes, I remember. (She approaches the wild cat, grabbing the piece of the chicken in the process, and carefully thrusts it to the animal in the palm of her hand. The wild cat takes a deep sniff and begins to carefully eat the chicken. Everybody freezes. The wild cat, meanwhile, sits down on his haunches and begins to rub his head against Sandi's chin, purring all the time. Sandi sniffs, grins weakly, and begins to rub him behind his ears.)

Andrea (rolling her eyes at the sight and continues to read from the script): The wild cat is very similar to the domestic one, but bigger, as you can see. (Pause.) No comment from the peanut gallery?

Daria (off screen): Andrea, just keep going.

Andrea: Fine. It also has a shorter tail and legs, and ears. Say – this doesn't appear to be the case here, you know?

Daria (replying before Ms. Li can): Andrea, if you want to leave, just say so and leave.

Andrea: Spoilsport. Where were we? Ah, yes. It also has a shorter tail, and legs, and ears. It has a white spot on its throat as well. During the day, the wild cats, just like the domestic ones, like to sunbathe, and hunt during the evening. They hunt during the night too, if they're hungry. If they're not, they go to sleep. (Takes a breath). The wild cats are current in living in the forests of Europe, Africa and India, as well as on the south of the Ukraine, in the Caucasus and central Asia. The steppe-dwelling wild cats are usually striped, while the forest-dwelling ones are spotted. They still live in many countries, but in few numbers.

Ms. Li: Cut!

Andrea: Jane, can you get me a coffee? I need to wet my whistle.

The Zoo Liaison: And the wild cat needs to go back to his enclosure. We've got the lynx next. Bill.

The Animal Handler (Bill): I'm on it. (Gently yanks the wild cat's leash, the animal responds by jumping onto him and tearing into him, as if Bill was one of the animals mentioned by Andrea.)

Sandi (grabbing the animal's nape and hind quarters): No! Bad kitty!

(The animal calms down immediately, letting go off the animal handler.)

Sandi: Mr. DeMartino? Can I have some help here?

DM (quickly): Good idea, Sandi, good thinking. (To DeFoe): Claire, can you run the cameras while Sandi and I go to get some medical help and possibly the next animal?

DeFoe (in uncertain tone of voice): I guess... Daria, Jane, can you help?

Jane (eagerly): Sure! Andrea, you want to go on reading, or do you want to switch?

Andrea: First, I want my coffee. Then we'll talk.

Ms. Li (desperately): Cut!

**SCENE 5: **The same as before, minus Sandi, Mr. DeMartino and the Animal Handler. Andrea is standing next to Sandi's seat, drinking her coffee.

Andrea: You know, Sandi may be annoying, but here, she's right: the chair just doesn't look safe. Who knew?

Daria (off screen): Andrea, don't get too cocky, and speaking of cockiness, you still don't want to switch with Jane?

Andrea (thoughtful): Nah, I'm good. The next part is even shorter than the previous one, and after that, I don't know, maybe Sandi will want it back...

Jane (off screen): Mr. DeMartino's here!

(Mr. DeMartino appears on the scene, followed by Sandi.)

Daria (off screen): So, how fares Mr. Bill?

DM: He's fine, he's used to being scratched and clawed and bitten, _and_ he's bringing the lynx up even as we speak. Andrea, you feeling up to it?

Andrea: Sure, where's my cue?

Sandi (dryly): It's coming up, and, by the way, it's your turn to feed the chicken to the lynx, technically speaking.

Andrea: I'm sure I can handle it...

Sandi: It's your call. (She and Mr. DeMartino move off camera, revealing Bill leading the leashed lynx.)

Andrea (shaken): Hah. It's bigger than the wild cat, I'll give you that, bigger even than an average dog. (Recovers her composure.) I can handle this. Right. What were the lines...?

Stacy (off camera): Sandi...

Sandi (off camera): Hush!

Andrea: There are five species of lynxes and their cousins in the world. They all have stubby tails with a rather cut-off appearance, brush-like tuffs of hair on their ears, and sideburns on their muzzles. (Gives another look at the lynx.) Hah. You know, it's not so big, just long-legged.

The Zoo Liaison (desperately): Can you please stop adlibbing?

Andrea: Yeah, yeah, I hear you. Where was I? Oh, yeah – the Canadian lynx lives not only in Canada, but can be found in the American state of Alaska as well. They stalk the boreal forests of Siberia as well. Further down south, here in the US, lives the bobcat, or the bay lynx. It has a longer tail than the Canadian lynx, and shorter tuffs on her ears. (Looks at the lynx once again.) Nope, this is a Canadian lynx, I reckon. (Pauses, and takes another look at the script.) The serval, one of the lynxes' cousins, lives in Africa. The Pallas' cat, another cousin, lives in Asia. It doesn't look like a lynx, more like a wild cat. (Looks at Bill the Animal Handler). Hey, maybe the wild cat that was here before was a Pallas' cat, you know?

Bill (replies before the zoo liaison can): No, it's not. It forbidden by law to export Pallas' cats from Asia, not without a lot of paperwork, money, and effort. This zoo doesn't have any, otherwise we wouldn't be involved in this travesty.

Andrea: I hear you. Now, where was I? Oh, yes. The caracal wanders through the steppes of both Africa and Asia. It's a desert-dwelling lynx. It got light bay, spotless fur to match the sands. The caracal is an, an, an – what's that word? Daria?

Daria (Off screen): Adroit. A-d-r-o-i-t. It means, being very skilful at something.

Andrea: Guess we know now who got his word of the day into this. Anyways, the caracal is a-d-r-o-i-t bird catcher. It will stalk and leap – not at the birds, but high into the air above them! The birds scatter, crying-out loudly, and the lynx hits them with its claws in mid-air. During the competitions that the Iranians did with their tamed caracals, the winners would get several pigeons at once.

Sandi (Off screen): That's your cue!

Andrea (Irate): I know. (She grabs the chicken and approaches the lynx. The lynx, however, ignores the fowl and began to lick Andrea's face in a thoughtful way.)

Bill (Nervously): Uh, I don't think Mandy has ever seen a person with facial piercings so close. I think she's curious... Please, don't move or you'll startle and frighten her!

(Andrea just glares at the Animal Handler, even as the lynx licks the rest of her face, grabs the piece of chicken and wanders off, as far as the leash will allow it, to eat the fowl in peace.)

Andrea: Lynxes are easy to tame. Some hunters teach them to hunt hares, pigeons and pheasants. (Break) Sandi, can you please take Candy, or Mandy, or whatever it's named, back to its' enclosure? I want to give Mr. Helpful Bill a piece of my mind!

Ms. Li (Desperately): Cut! (Faints)

The Zoo Liaison: Can we have a doctor on the set?

**SCENE 6:** The same as before. Andrea advances at Bill in a threatening way, when Kevin and Mack rush from off screen and grab her.

Andrea: What are you guys doing here? Didn't the coach manage to get you football players out of this, claiming that you need practice?

Mack (Wincing): Kevin went here to support Brittany, and I'm here because Jodie asked me to, because she cannot handle both of them alone. Sandi, weren't you supposed to be out here?

Sandi (Off screen): Eh, plans shifted. Anyways, (turning to Bill), we must get the lynx out of here – we're shouting the other scenes at different places than the one here, if we're to follow the script.

Daria (Off screen): We're filming tigers and lions among other cats. Of course we're following the scripts. (Gentler) Mr. Bill, it's time to leave.

Bill: Right. (He tugs on the leash. The lynx gets onto its feet, swaps him not-too-gently with one of its paws, and trots off, causing Bill to follow, instead of guiding the animal.)

Andrea (As she walks off screen): Sandi, it's your turn to narrate. (Pauses). Unless Brittany or Daria want to go first, instead?

Daria (Off screen): Nah, I'm good. I can wait my turn. Brittany?

Brittany (Thoughtfully, also off screen): Hey, Kevin! And no, I'm in no rush. Ms. Li had a point – this may not be my sort of show, exactly. Sandi?

Sandi (Off screen as well): Sure, why not. What cat, big or small, do we have coming next?

The Zoo Liaison (Weakly): The leopard.

**SCENE 7:** The leopard's caged enclosure. Sandi (now, gratefully, without the chair) is standing in front of it, holding her script. Bill (the Animal Handler), is standing nearby, not looking much worse for wear from the lynx's swat.

Sandi (peering into the leopard's enclosure): I got to admit, I imagined it to be rather livelier than that. Is it sick?

The Zoo Liaison (Gloomily): No, he's just sulking that he got parted from his missus, that's all. Start reading!

Sandi (Suspiciously): Okay. (Begins to read): The leopard hates water, never bathes, and will swim only when it is forced to! (Pauses) That's just like Fluffy, actually.

The Zoo Liaison (Off screen): Miss Griffin, please, don't get sidetracked. (Off hand, largely to himself): Curse Angela that she decided to have a nervous breakdown now!

Sandi: I heard that! (Break) Some time, once upon a time – just who was writing this? – the ancestors of the mammals were, probably, all spotted. Then, in case of some animals, these spots became stripes. And even later on, some of the mammals became grey, brown, bay. (Pause) Uh, mammals are the animals that are furry?

Daria (Off screen): And who feed their young with milk, more precisely. Sandi, you're doing great, go on.

Sandi: The leopards, however, has kept the memory of their ancestors on their hides: even now, they're all spotted. That's just like the tangle of sunlight in the scrubland shadows, that's why once they're there, they're invisible. (Turns around and takes a look at the leopard in the enclosure as it just lies there, stretching around like an oversized house cat.) Hmm. Cannot say that about _this_ one, though.

The Zoo Liaison (Off screen): Just keep doing. (The leopard suddenly yowls, startling him, before jumping off the ground and into a tree, disappearing completely, save for its tail, which hangs from out of the foliage like some sort of a spotted rope.)

Jane (Off screen): Are you sure that the animal is fine? It won't drop dead, now would it?

The Zoo Liaison (Off screen, sharply): Yes!

Sandi (Suspicious, but still reading the script): The Asian leopards got big spots, the ones in Africa – smaller ones. (Break) Really? Who did the measurements?

DeFoe: Sandi, please, don't get sidetracked. Do you want to force us to re-shoot this whole scene?

Sandi (After glaring suspiciously at the leopard): No, not really. Right, where was I? Oh, here – the leopard got a poor sense of smell, but its senses of sight and hearing are very keen. And it's a master of stalking. (Pauses, and perhaps unconsciously shifts away from the leopard's enclosure.) It will stalk, hiding behind every stone, every bush, and so silently, that it will come very, very close. Then a leap – and the prey is caught. One man-eating leopard killed a woman among other, sleeping people, and carried her off, without waking up anyone. That happened in India. (Pause) Brittany, dear, can Kevin take a look at the leopard's tail and tell me if its spot are big, or small?

Brittany (Off screen): Um, I don't know, Sandi – maybe you should just move away from the enclosure?

The Zoo Liaison (Off screen): Oh, this is ridiculous, our leopards are harmless-

(The leopard emits a loud, angry, yowl, jumps off the tree and charges the caged end of its enclosure. Sandi emits a shriek that is almost as loud and runs off camera, as the leopard angrily claws the cage wiring, trying to get out.)

DM (Off camera): Cut!

**SCENE 8: **The same as before, save the leopard is absent from its enclosure (was probably tranquilized and taken to the zoo's vet). Several people are arguing before the camera.

Bill (the Animal Handler): Look, the cats' manager has told us all before – the female is coming into season, but it still has its cubs, so the male had to be separated from the rest of the family. Only, it, or he, is quite unhappy about that and is making his unhappiness known about far and wide!

Sandi: So, the leopard wasn't trying to kill me?

Bill: ... Not specifically, no. It was just trying to get to its female, and was ready to go through anything and anyone who stood in its way.

Pause

DM: This isn't making anyone feel better, you know? At least Timothy isn't on the set this time – Angela's breakdown was bad enough. Sandi, you want to finish the lines, or can we skip it over?

Sandi (Reluctantly): Is the camera running?

DM: Yes? So?

Sandi (Turns towards the camera and speaks very clearly and loudly): Besides the ordinary, spotted leopard, there's also the clouded leopard. It's a very beautiful, but small cat. It lives, almost never leaving trees to come onto the ground, in the forests of Indonesia and Vietnam. (Break) There! That's all that was left to say about the leopard, and I'm sure that the zoo's editorial stuff, once they get over their allergy outbreak or whatever. Got it?

The Zoo Liaison (Even more unhappy than before): Yes, sure, why not. Want to do the tiger first, or start talking to your lawyer now?

Sandi: ...Let's do the tiger first, 'kay?

**SCENE 9: **The tiger's enclosure. The tiger is lying there, placidly, looking at the humans outside of its caged enclosure without much apparent interest.

DM (Off screen): And we're on!

Sandi (After looking at the tiger to ensure that it won't be likely to charge): On a sunlit clearing – as you can see for yourself here – the striped tiger is very noticeable. But in a forest gloom the tiger's stripes hide it as an invisibility cloak. Even an experienced hunter won't notice it three steps away. (Pause) Was that why I was talking about spots and stripes at the leopard's? Got to admit, this is deep!

DM: Sandi, don't adlib, or we'll have to re-shoot this scene!

Sandi: Fine, fine... Not only the tiger's fur, but its voice is also very fine: melodious, far-reaching, throaty: "U-uu-uung"! (Pause) Was that correct?

Bill (the Animal Handler): Will do for now. Keep going.

Sandi: It can be heard for a long distance. The tiger is very clever. Some people say that after the elephant, the tiger is the smartest animal in the jungle. (Break) Really? (Sneaks a look at the still slumbering tiger) This one must be just lazy, then...

(A crow or two land in the tiger's enclosure and begin to peck at its meal. Immediately, the tiger wakes up – if it was asleep at all – and lunges at the birds with one jump. There's an explosion of feathers and the crows go flying off as if their tail feathers were afire instead. Pause)

Daria (Suspiciously): Just what are you feeding your animals here, anyways?

The Zoo Liaison (Hurriedly): No, no, this is just the tiger's hobby – it likes to pounce, kind of like it happens in Winnie the Pooh – that's why we call our tiger Tigger!

(Pause. Everyone is looking at the tiger.)

Sandi (With some visible reluctance): What-ever. I still have some lines to read. Let's see... When the tiger imitates the deer's cry, it lures the deer to its clutches. And when it chases the monkeys, it roars most terribly. They, scared, jump from tree to tree, and often fall from fear to the ground. There the tiger grabs them. But usually the tiger hunts wild pigs and deer. If hungry, it eats tortoises, snakes, lizards, mice, frogs, even locusts and cedar nuts. (Pause) That's quite like what Fluffy did, actually. He wasn't picky either – we either fed him, or he fed himself...

Daria (Off screen): And the moral here is that if Fluffy was the size of the tiger here, there wouldn't be any difference between the two of them, aside from Fluffy's lack of stripes.

Sandi (Blinks): Hah! That... that is probably correct. But then, after seeing the wild cat, I suspected that for myself. Hey, does the tiger like getting scratched behind the ears and under the chin.

Bill (Reluctantly): Yes. It also likes to bathe. But your script already says that, if you'd just read it...

Sandi: Really? I'm on it! (Break) The tiger is very clean: before it eats its prey, the tiger cleans it, by gutting and skinning it, and even if caught just a rabbit or a duck, it will pluck it clean, without breaking the skin. And after a meal, it washes its mouth in a stream. (Break) Really?

The Zoo Liaison: That's what it says in the script. Keep reading.

Sandi: The tiger loves water in general. Often, during the heat of the day, it lies in a stream to cool down. Out of all the cats, only it and the jaguar will cross big rivers. And, it happens, if it came swim up unnoticed, it will attack people in boats. (Pause, looks at the tiger again) Eh, I can believe this, the tiger just might be this good. (Break) The tiger is hardly weaker than the lion. But packs of wild dogs, it happened, had ripped the tiger to pieces. What? How can they!

Daria (Off screen): Sandi, please. It's my turn next, you got one or two lines at most left. Can you hurry it up, please?

Sandi: Fine. Tigers live only in southern Asia. Rarely are they found in the Transcaucasia area, in Central Asia, and at the Amur River. Happy now?

DM (Off screen): Very. Cut!

**SCENE 10: **The lions' enclosure. Now, it's Daria Morgendorffer who is standing before the cameras, looking somewhat more cool and composed than Sandi was at the beginning of her turn.

Daria (Looking askance at the lions): They won't be delivering any surprises, will they? Because a single leopard, or even a tiger, is one thing, and a lions' pride is another.

Bill (the Animal Handler): No, no, our lions are well-behaved, especially during the day, there won't be any problems.

Daria: Very well. (Break) The lion is the king of the beasts. People say that it is called so because it can look at the sun. But so can the other cats: their eyes are just made so. It's just that the lion looks so royal, so majestic. It never looks straight at anyone, but always at some distant point. As if it doesn't notice you. And it roars so terribly, as no other animal does. It's no roar, it's thunder!

(Pause, Daria moves slightly off to the side so that the people behind the camera could take a better look at the lions)

Daria (Continues): The lion won't take on only the elephant, the rhinoceros and the polar bear, while other than that it's the strongest mammal of them all. It breaks a bull's back with just one paw. But more often it jumps onto one's back, grabs the muzzle with its paws, and jerking the muzzle towards itself, breaks the neck – of a zebra, or an antelope, or even an African buffalo!

(Pause, the other people begin to move into the camera's view to take an even better look at the lions)

Daria (Continues): Lions are different from the other cats by hunting in packs, as wolves or wild dogs do. A pack of lions is called a pride.

Sandi (Off screen): And it suits them, they look so proud.

Daria (Dryly): Yes, and they can pull it off much better than we can, too. Anyways, where was I? Oh, here: the lions used to live in Europe as well as in America. These lions were named American lions in the US and cave lions in Europe. Not so much because they lived in caves, but because the first people used to draw them on the cavern walls. Nowadays lions live only in Africa. And also in India, in the Gir Forest National Park – about a hundred animals or so. India's lions are maneless or with a short mane. Overall, there are probably no more than 150 thousand lions left on the planet. That's too bad, they're magnificent animals!

The Zoo Liaison (Off screen, sounding quite pleased, for a change): Cut!

**SCENE 11:** The same place as before. Now, however, the space before the lions' enclosure is occupied by a lot of students, all of whom are busy gawking at the lions.

DM (Standing a bit aside, talking to Daria and the zoo's staff): Now that was _good_, Daria, thanks. After Sandi's dramatics and amateur theatrics-

Daria: Just don't tell her that. Besides, she's not all that bad; she just had the luck to stay out of this when Ms. Li had had us jumping through the hoops in our first production.

DM: Don't remind me. Of course, the lions helped too – they're remarkably well-behaved. (Pause, with suspicion) They weren't tranquilized or anything, were they?

The Zoo Liaison: Of course not! They're always like that during the day; at morning and evening they're much more active, actually. Anyways, can we please have a move-on? I promise that after we're done, your students and co-workers and whoever else will be photographed before the lions' enclosure, I promise, and we've got some souvenirs too!

DM (Looking speculatively at Claire DeFoe): I make no promises.

**SCENE 12: **A different enclosure, this time one with the snow leopard. Daria is once again in front of the cameras.

Jane (Off screen): Hey, amiga, nice speech! I don't know why Sandi was so huffy about the script, it's actually quite good and has inspired me to draw some new artwork, this time the one with the lions...

Daria (Wryly): Of course, Jane. Now-

Sandi (Interrupting, off screen): I wasn't huffy about the script, I just was confused! So, I don't have the experience that Daria had from the previous... movies, big deal!

Daria: I hear you, Sandi. Now can I please talk about the snow leopard?

Sandi: Be my guest.

Daria (Flatly): Thanks. Now, let's see... (Break) The snow leopard got its name a long time ago. Only, it's not the same mammal as the leopard itself, but a completely different beast. Nowadays it is also called an ounce to clear the confusion, sometimes. The snow leopard lives not only on the Caucasus, but also on the Pamir, Altai and Himalayas mountain ranges, where it's quite cool even in summer. That's why it got dense and long fur, lighter in colour than that of the leopard. But some snow leopards are born as black as panthers.

Sandi (Interrupting, off screen): What? But the panthers-

(The snow leopard chooses this moment to appear, jumping out of further inside its' enclosure. It is roughly the same size as the leopard, but appears to be somewhat more muscular, and no, it's nowhere as black as a panther, quite the opposite, actually.)

Jane (Off screen): Wow! This may not be any lion, but it is still a very, very impressive wild animal, no?

Daria (Shifting around and taking a good, hard look at the snow leopard for herself): Yes, you're onto something here, Jane. It's got that sort of a dignified look, I suppose. Now, where was I? (Pause) The snow leopard can stalk for hours mountain turkeys or sheep on cliffs and under them. It doesn't hunt humans, and its' character is more even than that of a tiger or a panther.

(The snow leopard yawns, fully revealing its teeth, and begins to claw a near-lying log.)

Daria: The snow leopards like to lie and play in the snow: they sled down the cliffs on their backs, and at the bottom they turn around, and land on all of their four feet. (Pause, as Daria looks at the snow leopard again – the animal has finished clawing the log and is now trying to catch its tail instead, almost like a giant dog.)

Daria (Continues, still eying the animal): The milk of the snow leopard is very fatty, five times more so than that of a cow. Probably so that its' kittens wouldn't freeze once they sucked their fill: for a full animal "almost has a burning furnace inside of it". And the female snow leopard even warms its lair further, by lining it with its plucked-out fur. Other wild cats don't do this.

The Zoo Liaison: And cut!

**SCENE 13: **Thesameas before, save that people are looking at the playing snow leopard in the space of the camera. Daria and Jane are among them.

Jane: Confess, amiga, you like this cat, don't you?

Daria: Well, I do acknowledge, it may not be as majestic as the lions, but it got character of its own; plus, it gets points for rarity.

Sandi (Reluctantly): Yeah, I agree. The lions _are_ awesome and all, but character is also important: the wild cat I fed chicken to – now there's a character. (Pause) Daria, can I ask you for a favour?

Daria (Suspiciously): Does it involve Quinn?

Sandi: Not this time. (Pause) Can I do the next animal, please? From the script it says that it's the black panther, and-

Daria: Sandi, the script does mention that the panther is just another way of saying leopard, remember?

Sandi: Yeah, but how's that possible?

Daria: Simply. Look at Kevin and Brittany. Brittany's a blonde, Kevin a brunet. Now, if they get married, and have a blonde kid, it won't be weird, even though Kevin's not a blonde, right?

Sandi (Thoughtfully): Makes sense, but?

Daria (Sighing): That's the same deal with the leopards: some are blonde, or, rather, spotted, others are black, like brunet people are.

Sandi: And that's my point exactly, I sort need to make up for my conduct with the first leopard.

Daria: It scared you, hah? You sure you want to do it?

Sandi: No, but please, can I try?

Jane: Just let her do it, Daria. If it goes wrong, we can always reshoot it, eh?

Daria: Fine, it's a deal.

Sandi (Almost gratefully): Thanks!

**SCENE 14:** The enclosure of the black panther (the other leopard) and its family, a pair of cubs: one is black like mom, the other's spotted like dad. Once again Sandi is standing before it.

The Zoo Liaison (Off screen): Hey, isn't Daria Morgendorffer was supposed to be narrating now?

Daria (Off screen): And Andrea wasn't supposed to be narrating at all, not about the lynxes or any other animals – didn't hear you complaining back then. Sandi, proceed.

Sandi (Glaring in the off screen direction): All right, let's see. The hunters have argued earlier, were the leopard and the panther two different animals or not? The scientists proved them to be the same animal. And as for the blackness of the panther, then it's an accident. Black panthers get born on occasion to ordinary, spotted leopards – and vice versa, as we can see here. (Looks askance at the playful cubs and their watchful mother.) This happens to other mammals: ordinary parents give birth to black offspring.

(Suddenly, another zoo worker walks over to Bill the Animal Handler and whispers something in his ear.)

Sandi (Suspiciously): Is there a problem?

Bill (the Animal Handler): No, no, it's a regular problem of the zoo. (To the Zoo Liaison): Herman, I'll be off for a while at the monkeys' house, I'll send Candy in my place.

Sandi (Incredulously): Wasn't that the lynx?

Bill (Exasperated): No, the lynx's name is _Mandy_; don't worry, quite a few people get confused with it. Keep up the good work. (Walks off with the other zoo worker.)

Sandi (Taking a deep breath): Panther is also the name of large _spotted_ leopards... or any leopards, depending on one's taste. The hunters say: the tiger's a "gentleman", and the panther's a "lout". That's because a tiger's always growling, when it attacks. And the panther ambushed from behind, silently. (Takes another look at the panther family behind her. The mother is almost purring to the cubs in a rumbling way, oblivious to everything.)

Sandi (Continuing): Right. The panther's smaller than the tiger and the lion, and, of course, not as strong. And yet it got a lot of strength. It easily drags a big cow along the ground. It runs quickly with a trap on its leg that weighs six stones. And one panther carried into the mountains a man, which weighted 70 kilograms. (Gulps) It even jumped down, with him in the jaws, from a four-meter-tall cliff. And it didn't fall, it didn't drop its prey. (Twitches) And now imagine the power of the tiger and the lion!

The Zoo Liaison (Herman): Cut!

**SCENE 15:** The same as before, only with more people in front of the camera.

Herman (the Zoo Liaison): Not bad, not bad at all. Still, girls, can you _not_ alternate before the camera any more than you have to? This constant switching back and forth is _distracting_!

Andrea (Irritated): Hey, want to speak about distracting, what about the monkey noises coming from the monkey house? I think it's irritating the mama cat: it keeps sneaking glances in that direction even as it keeps an eye on the cubs as well.

Herman (Backpedalling hastily): That's just a part of working at the zoo, Miss. The animals don't get along any better than they would in the wild! The leopards _eat_ monkeys if they can catch them, they still would do that here-

Daria (Quietly): The leopard. I mean, the other, the first leopard. (Pauses) I've read that male big cats sometimes don't like their cubs. Um. I mean there was a good reason why it got separated from its family, and not just 'because', is it?

Herman (the Zoo Liaison): What's your point?

Daria: I'm not sure. But if everyone's done adoring the cubs and their mother, can we move away from the leopards, please? What's next on, anyways? I think it were the cheetahs? Where's their enclosure?

Herman (Almost sheepishly): Uh, about that...

**SCENE 16:** The same as before, save that now there's a woman (Candy, the other Animal Handler) with a leashed cheetah as well.

Sandi (Thoughtfully): Hey, didn't me and Mr. DeMartino see you earlier, when we were returning the wild cat after he had tore into Bill somewhat?

Candy: Yup, guess we've met again. Anyways, this is the cheetah. (Guessing about the next question.) And it's not in its enclosure because it is going to be fed some meat as well. (With noticeable bitterness) This is yet another publicity stunt, but still...

Brittany (Sidling over to Daria): Can I feed the cheetah this time Daria, _please_? I know that it was your turn and all, but can I? Please?

Daria: You sure you can do it? And moreover, does this mean that you'll take from me and Sandi next? The narrating, I mean.

Brittany (Thoughtfully): Yes. I mean, yes, this isn't like our previous, uh, releases and what-not, but, honestly, after all the complaining I did to daddy, I got to try out at least.

Daria: Fine. Just let Mr. DeMartino know about this, would you? (Nudges Claire DeFoe) Ms. DeFoe, I believe that it's the time for action!

**SCENE 17: **The same as before, only now most of the people are gone back off screen, behind the camera.

Daria: Right, then. The cheetah is the fastest mammal on the planet. No one – not a horse, nor a borzoi hound, nor an antelope – can outrun it. 120 km/h! That's how quickly it runs. The cheetah's faster than the wind, as fast as the hurricane! (Break) Just who _was_ writing this? If this was a person, I'd think that I was reading a political promise of some sort!

Candy: Don't ask, you won't learn all the same. Besides, the cheetahs _are_ amazing cats – just look at our boy! See how dog-like he is, for a cat?

Daria (Sheepishly): Hey, I don't have any bones of contention with your friend; it's just that even I have limits when it comes to such cheese...

Herman (Off screen): Daria, please! Sandi Griffin can have those asides as her stick, don't you think?

Daria (Glares off screen): I think that those monkeys are getting louder, that's what I think! But, onwards tin soldiers at any rate. Where were we? Oh, yes. In India, the cheetahs are trained and taught to hunt antelopes just as the borzoi hounds are. Never has an antelope escape from a cheetah.

Candy (In a rather Daria-like tone): Actually, every second one manages to pull it off with ease. Of course, considering that in the case of a leopard it's more like eight out of ten, and in case of the lions, it's more like seven out of ten, so-

Kevin (Off screen): Hey, no back-talking about the lions. The lions are awesome. Go, Lawndale Lions!

Candy (Stunned): You're a jock, aren't you? What's a jock doing here, of all the places?

Kevin (Off screen): I'm the QB!

Mack (Off screen): We help with the heavier equipment, Ms. Li's orders. Daria, come on, you're the one with the perfect delivery. Just finish this, and then Brittany will take over, right?

Daria: Very well, but for the record, the monkeys _are_ getting louder. Where were we? Oh, yes. This is an old way to hunt: Moscow wasn't built yet, but already the Russian princes chased the saiga antelopes through the steppes with the cheetahs. And even earlier, five millennia ago, the hunts with the cheetahs took place in ancient Babylon and Egypt.

Sandi (Off screen): What was so special about Babylon? Egypt I get, that's where the cats were tamed in the first place, but Babylon?

Daria (Glaring in that direction): They also used to build pyramids, just as the Egyptians did. Only, they weren't as good as the Egyptian ones, so they didn't make it to our times-

Mack (Off screen): Daria-

(The monkeys' shrieks suddenly become almost too loud to bear: the panther mother – largely forgotten by now – suddenly comes to the front of their enclosure and roars loudly in the direction of the monkey house. The monkeys' shrieks become even more frantic and panicked, and the cheetah almost bolts, huddling behind Candy's legs.)

Daria (to Candy): You're a real cat person, aren't you?

Candy (the Animal Handler): Yes, I suppose I am. Many of us are. Oh, sure, just as many are as Bill, Jacks of all trade, but I prefer to specialize in cats, and this one is one of my favourites.

Daria: Right. (Turning off screen, to Herman the Zoo Liaison) Think we should move? The panther seems to be leaving and taking its kittens with it, but do you want to risk it still?

(The camera mechanically zooms away from Daria, Candy and the cheetah to focus more fully on the panthers' enclosure. Sure enough, the female is leading away the cubs deeper into it, away from the people.)

Herman (the Zoo Liaison): You know... I think we should. Stay here, that is. Shooting moving targets... Mr. DeMartino here says that it can be tricky.

(The camera moves back to Daria, Candy and the cheetah, only now Brittany is with them as well.)

Brittany (to Candy, brightly): Can I feed it now?

Candy (the Animal Handler): No. I don't think that it wants to eat right now – it was just frightened too badly. You can pet him some, but not too much.

Brittany: Okay! (Trots over to the cheetah and tries to pet it. The cheetah hisses and tackles Brittany, clearly intent on doing her some harm. As Brittany and the cheetah struggle, Candy and Daria run to them to help.)

Herman (the Zoo Liaison): Cut!

**SCENE 18: **The same as before, save that now there's a lot of people, and the cheetah's gone, as are Candy and Brittany.

Daria (Glaring at Herman): You'll better have to think fast, or else Mr. Taylor will have your hide for what your cheetah has done to his daughter.

Kevin (Also glaring): Yeah, dude! Major uncool! Brittany's my babe, you know!

Sandi (Joining in): I agree! And don't think that you'll get away by blaming the cheetah, either!

Upchuck (Off screen): Feisty!

Andrea (Off screen): Oh, shut up! (Smacks down on him)

Herman (Rather desperately): Look, I'm sorry, but the documentary must be finished! Please! We'll have to cut-out the cheetah section already!

Daria (Looking at Sandi, rather unhappily): Are you game, Griffin?

Sandi (Not too very happy herself, but resolute): Yes, Morgendorffer, let's do it!

**SCENE 19:** At the enclosure of the jaguar. The shrieks of the monkeys have died down some, mostly because the group is filming at a location further away from them. Sandi is standing before the jaguar's enclosure.

Sandi (Resolutely): All right, everybody! Now, firstly, I want you to know that Brittany's okay, so-

Brittany (Walking into camera's view, somewhat bandaged up, but largely okay): Yes, I am! And I will do my part, believe it!

Sandi (To Brittany): You sure? Well, okay. (Walks off screen)

Brittany (Taking a deep breath) All right then! Now, neither tigers nor lions live in America-

Kevin (Off screen): Hey! We're lions! Lawndale Lions! And we live in America! Babe!

Mack (Off screen): Shut up, Kevin! Brittany's busy.

Brittany (Taking another breath): Neither tigers nor lions live in America, but here are some of the native big cats instead – the jaguar and the puma. Not everyone will distinguish the jaguar from the leopard. They're very similar, and so are the spots: they're just bigger and are not plain rings as they are in the leopard's case, but also have a secondary, smaller ring inside. Also, the jaguar's head is bigger, and it is shorter and taller than the leopard itself. (Pauses and turns around to look into the jaguar's enclosure.)

Daria: Brittany?

Brittany (Defensively): I'm just looking at the jaguar for myself. It doesn't appear to be taller or shorter than the big leopards we've seen earlier today!

Sandi (Off screen): That's because it's younger than they are, that's all.

Brittany (Turning to face Sandi): And you know this how?

Sandi (Off screen): Candy mentioned it to me earlier, when she met me and Mr. DeMartino to take the wild cat off our hands. I thought that that was the leopard and asked her, and she explained to us that that was the jaguar instead.

Brittany: Oh. Cool. Now. The jaguar is an excellent runner, climber, and swimmer. It loves the water just as the tiger does. It will lie on a log and swim down the river. And sometimes it will get so lost in its daydreams that the current will take it out into the ocean. Um, does it get back safely from there?

Daria (Off screen): Yes, usually. Go on.

Brittany: Thanks. And it's an artful fisher, stalking the fishes for hours at the river's side. The jaguar catches crocodiles in the river too (but it avoids the bigger ones), as well as turtles – at the sea shore. It will jump from bushes and turn each turtle upside down. Thus, it makes "stores". The turtles cannot right themselves and crawl away, but neither do they die and get spoiled. Um, how exactly can they get spoiled if they die?

Daria (Off screen): Uh, the script writer here wrote spoiled meaning to rot, as the meat does in the freezer when there's a long electricity shortage.

Brittany: Oh, thanks. Anyways... Then the jaguar returns and eats them. (Pauses) The jaguars live both in wet swampy forests – and catch rickets there, often – and in the steppes from Texas in North America to Patagonia at the very southern tip of the New World that was discovered by Columbus. (Exhales)

**SCENE 20:** The same jaguar enclosure, only now Brittany is joined by the others.

Sandi: So, how you liked this?

Brittany: Not very exciting, but, eh, I did ask for this. Just, uh, are rickets tasty, and what's the New World?

Daria (Face-palming): Brittany, rickets is actually a sort of a disease, while the New World is a different name for both North and South Americas, just ask Mr. DeMartino.

Brittany (Cheerfully): Got it! Now let's just down the other one, the puma, and we'll be all done! Yay!

DM: Sure, why not?

**SCENE 21: **Thepumaenclosure. Brittany once more is alone before the camera.

Brittany: Now the puma doesn't resemble the leopard at all. It's brown, without spots. The puma's cubs, though, are spotted. But as they grow up, they moult, and before they're a year old, they're completely spotless.

Stacy (Off screen): Guess that makes the cubs in there younger than one year old?

Brittany (Turning around): The puma has cubs?

Stacy (Off screen): Um, yes. There, you see?

(The camera moves past Brittany, focusing on the dozing puma. Sure enough, there are two small, still-spotted kittens huddling with their mother.)

Candy (Off screen): Yup, our puma had her kitten some time before this, so yes, they _are_ less than a year old. Boy, were we surprised when she had them! Anyways, Brittany, I just wanted to point out that you're not sticking to the script.

Brittany (Sheepishly, off screen, after checking the script) Oh, yes, I guess I am. Can I start again? (Pause) But the camera can stay on the kittens – they are so cute, after all.

Herman (Off screen): Oh, very well.

**SCENE 22:** The camera is still focused on the slumbering puma family, rather than on Brittany.

Brittany (Off screen): Now, the puma doesn't resemble the leopard at all. It's brown, without spots. The puma's cubs, though, are spotted, just as those of the lions. (Pauses) Oh yeah, they are. Remember the lion cubs we so earlier?

DM (Off screen): Brittany! Try not to adlib.

Brittany (Off screen): Sorry. Where was I? Oh, yeah – but as they grow up, they moult, and within a year their fur is already brown if they are Canadian pumas, or yellow – if they're from Texas and Mexico, or silvery-grey – if they're from South America. For the pumas live throughout almost all of the America. In Canada it chases deer through the snow, and in Argentina's prairies it hunts the rheas. (Pause) What are the rheas?

Daria (Off screen): South American ostriches.

Brittany (Off screen): Cool. (Pauses) The puma climbs trees with great agility, and jumps as nobody else: upwards to a height of almost five meters, and down almost six meters, and it lands on its feet. The puma loves to have fun: it plays, chasing the butterflies. Like a small kitten it rolls around, trying to catch its tail, if there's no one else around. Its big, calm eyes are not fierce at all.

(The puma suddenly raises its head and looks straight at the camera. Its eyes aren't fierce, but are rather calm.

Brittany (Continuing, off screen): ... The native Americans say that the puma is a man's friend, it never attacks the people first. If it meets a person, it happily, jumping, approaches it, digging the ground with its paws, inviting them to play. Sadly, very few of these animals are currently left in the wild.

Herman (Off screen): And cut!

**Epilogue**

Lawndale's film-making club is standing outside Lawndale's City Zoo, having a small celebration regarding the end of their latest photo-shoot.

DM (To DeFoe): Well! That was fun! Not! At least, only Brittany got hurt, and not too badly. Maybe there's some hope yet.

DeFoe (To DM): Don't be too sure. I mean, now the students will be coming to the zoo for the next little while, they've been really caught in all the cat-related excitement – there's chance for them yet.

DM (Dryly): Claire, that's not what I meant...

Daria (To Jane): So, looks like you'll be busy with the artwork for a while.

Jane (To Daria): You bet! I got a number of picture ideas for the lions, one for you and your snow leopard, a bunch of leopard vs. jaguar ideas...

Daria: What do you mean?

Jane: Meh, we never had much of a look of it, what between Brittany's misadventure with the cheetah, and the puma family. I want to study it in some greater detail and compare it with the papa leopard.

Daria: I don't know, Jane, that leopard appeared to be quite nasty...

Quinn (Approaching Daria and Jane): Hey, that was cool! Sandi says hi for being such an initial good sport and all – if she wasn't busy with that Candy woman about something or other, she'd come over and tell it to you herself!

Daria (To Quinn): That's okay, I understand.

Quinn: Oh, and she also told that you want to split the next documentary thusly as well, she's game.

Daria and Jane exchange looks.

Daria (Flatly): What new documentary?

Quinn: I've no idea. But Stacy told me, Sandi and Tiffany that Ms. Li has recovered by now and was talking to the zoo's management and mom about something or other, very excitedly, so it's anybody's guess.

Daria and Jane exchange silent looks.

Daria (To Jane): Prepare to encounter more zoo-related inspiration. It seems that Ms. Li and the zoo are not through with us just yet.

**End**


	4. Chapter 4

**Daria and Co. present: THEY'RE ALL ANTELOPES**

_Disclaimer: This is a Daria/I. Akimushkin crossover. None of the main characters (human or animal) are mine._

**Prologue I**

The Morgendorffers' living room. The Morgendorffers themselves (except for Jake) are around the kitchen table, arguing.

Daria: What do you mean, I'm stuck as the female lead? Mother, our last "feature presentation" consisted of a series of lectures? Sort of similar to the ones done by Attenborough for the BBC, only nowhere as good! How can I lead in something like that?

Helen: Daria, your delivery was one of the best in the show. Oh, sure, Linda's girl was a better method actress, and I'm not going to go about the issues regarding your cheerleader friend Brittany right now, but for now, at least, you're in the lead.

Daria (bitterly): Mother, I know you meant well, but you could've warned me about that before principal Li has aired our first, misbegotten film-

Helen: And you would've refused it altogether, and missed on a valuable opportunity because of your rather eccentric personality-

Daria (still bitterly): So you decided to make have it no matter what. Thanks a lot, mom, there will be some karmic payback for you in the wings, and you know it. (Gets up from the table and leaves.)

Quinn: Never thought that I'll say it, mom, but Daria does have a point here, somewhat. (Leaves the table as well.)

Helen (to herself, more bitterly than before): And so, the girls are delivering their usual, as usual. Daria is being obtuse and contrary because she's a rebel by nature, not needing any cause, and Quinn... Quinn wants something that Daria has, especially if she doesn't have to work for it, either. The joys of motherhood! (Turns around and sees Jake still being "engrossed" by the TV show.) And the joys of marriage too, in the same flask. My, but do I hate my life, sometimes!

**Prologue II**

The Taylors' foyer. Jane and Brittany are chatting (the sounds of a TV are played in the background as well).

Brittany: Thanks for the picture, Jane. I'm not sure why you did it-

Jane: It's something that we artistic types do. At any rate, Daria wanted me to come over and tell you that she and Quinn had looked over the contract – Mrs. Morgendorffer has a copy, you see – and they found out that if now Mr. Taylor will try to re-negotiate the new agreement, it'll cost him quite a lot, both regarding the lawyers' fee and the potential breach of contract-

Brittany: Oh, _that's_ why daddy was so upset when the new contract copy came through the mail and why he's been talking to our lawyer all afternoon! Why are you telling me this, though?

Jane: Because Daria wanted me to tell you, that's why regarding the first reason. And the second reason is that our Film-makers' club and Lawndale's zoo will be making our next presentation very, very soon.

Brittany (blinking): Um, will we be doing more cats?

Jane: This time it is all about antelopes.

Brittany: But I don't know anything about antelopes! What are the antelopes?

Jane (pointing to a rather big mail package lying on the foyer's table): Brittany, your script's here. I think you should read it.

Brittany: Thanks, Jane. I'll try.

**Scene I**

The site of the Lawndale's zoo. Lawndale's Film-Making club (run by principal Li, her underlings and students) is already there. So are various members of the zoo's staff, including some familiar faces...

Sandi (to Brittany and Daria): So, any ideas, suggestions, anything about the upcoming presentation?

Daria (with slight disbelief): Aside from the fact that you appear to be talking rather to me and Brittany than to Quinn or Stacy?

Brittany: What about that Chinese girl that hangs around with Sandi?

(Daria points in one direction. There, Tiffany Blum-Deckler is busy looking at her reflection in a camera's lens.)

Sandi (wincing): Yes, well, Tiffany tends to be the quiet one in the Fashion Club meeting. And as for your point, Daria, well, I was just trying to be _nice_ and _civil_-

Daria: And we appreciate it, really. And since keeping things civil isn't such a bad idea, actually, what do you think of the fact that our previous presentation here had 8 animals, while the current one has about 15? You want to go first again, or what?

Sandi (actually caught a bit flat-footed by Daria's sudden more co-operative attitude): Well... Yes, actually. I believe that the script allows us to alternate, so you two want to switch after every third?

Brittany (frowning in thought): But wouldn't it leave me with the least amount of lines?

Daria: And?

Brittany: And... I don't know. On one hand, this makes it unfair. On the other... I don't really mind. The cats were exciting, at least, but the antelopes... I don't know. On one hand, daddy wanted me to be in the spotlight... On the other...he probably meant something different.

Daria: And?

Brittany: And... Let's stick to the arrangement for now, actually. But thanks for point it out, Sandi.

(Daria and Sandi exchange looks, but keep quiet.)

**Scene II**

Quinn (elsewhere, to Jane): Jane, listen, I'm sorry-

Jane: Are you trying to apologize for becoming an understudy? If so, that's cool. We, Lanes, _do_ love to express ourselves, but when it comes to artistry, then the brush is my medium, not the stage.

Quinn: So, you're cool then?

Jane: Absolutely. And you _are_ an understudy, of course?

Daria: Only because Daria wanted me to have an equal chance. Since the zoo's people already made Andrea one, they couldn't really refuse Daria's request, either.

Jane: Andrea's the other understudy? How'd that happen?

Quinn: I have no idea. She mentioned it once to Daria back in school, Daria confirmed it here, and it was true. So, here we are.

Jane: We?

Quinn: Yeah – I'm an understudy and you're one of the staff.

Jane: Lucky me-

Li (speaking through the megaphone): Attention everyone! The filming is about to begin! Everyone – take their places in five!

Jane: Oh, let's just go.

**Scene III**

Sandi is standing in front of an antelope enclosure. Bill and Candy (a pair of animal handlers) are standing nearby. Herman (the zoo's liaison) is talking:

Zoo Liaison (off screen): All right, Ms. Griffin, you know your role: start reading and try to keep your comments to a minimum. After the incidents with Ms. Taylor we're keeping the animal interaction to a minimum as well, and besides, you're reading the prologue first. Therefore, start reading!

Sandi (wryly): You're a real font of inspiration, you know that, Herman? Anyways, (begins to read) art- artio-

Daria (off screen): Art-io-dac-tyl, Sandi. This means, basically, that they're even-hoofed animals.

Sandi: They are? There any odd-hoofed animals?

Daria: Zebras, horses and donkeys – they only have one hoof on each foot. Plus rhinos and their relatives – they have three.

Sandi: And the antelopes?

Daria: Two.

Zoo Liaison: Are you two finished? Ms. Griffin, you'll have to re-start.

Sandi: Art-io-dac-tyl mammals (cattle, goats, sheep and so on) that have hollow horns on the inside are classified as bovidae animals. (Opens her mouth, closes it, and opens it again): Their horns are like horny sheathes located upon bony cores – outgrowths of the skull. Their horns aren't shed and replaced every year as the deer antlers do. Horns grow throughout the lives of either both male and female animals, or only the males. (Break) The antelopes, just as the cattle, goats and sheep, are bovids. About one hundred different species of antelopes live on the plant – I mean planet.

Zoo Liaison: Cut! Try again!

Sandi: Fine! But what's a bovid?

Candy (female animal handler): The plant-eating animals with horns, except for deer and rhinos, basically.

Sandi: Oh, Thanks. (Takes a deep breath, starts to read again.) Art-io-dac-tyl mammals (cattle, goats, sheep and so on) that have hollow horns on the inside are classified as bovidae animals. Their horns are like horny sheathes located upon bony cores – outgrowths of the skull. Their horns aren't shed and replaced every year as the deer antlers do. Horns grow throughout the lives of either both male and female animals, or only the males. (Break) The antelopes, just as the cattle, goats and sheep, are bovids. About one hundred different species of antelopes live on the planet. (Break) Almost all antelopes live in Africa, only some in Asia. (Opens her mouth, closes it, takes a breath and starts to speak again): The biggest antelopes, the eland, are as big as wild cattle: they weigh up to a tonne, almost two meters tall, their horns are almost a meter long. The smallest antelopes are the duikers: they're as big as a hare! But even the smallest duikers are bigger than the smallest antelope of them all: the royal antelope or the pygmy neotragus. (Break)

Zoo Liaison: Cut!

Sandi (putting down her script): Just who was writing this script? It's redundant! "Almost all antelopes", "only some in Asia"! Of course there will be some elsewhere, if not _all_ antelopes do live in Africa! And are these duikers the smallest antelopes or not? Make up your mind!

Zoo Liaison: Ms. Griffin, the script is aimed at the children about your brothers' age – they won't care about logic, not when they'll see the animals.

Sandi (frowning in suspicious): You mean there will be some animal interaction after all?

Zoo Liaison (hurriedly): Only at a minimum. Candy?

Candy (speaking into the camera): And, children, remember: the so-called American antelope, the pronghorn, isn't a real antelope in the biological sense. The horny sheathes that Sandi was talking about? Well, the pronghorn does shed them each year!

Zoo Liaison: Candy!

Candy: Fine, fine, here's the royal antelope that Sandi's been talking about. (Walks off screen and returns with a very small antelope on a leash. It is indeed no bigger than a large jackrabbit.)

Zoo Liaison: Roll

Ted (off camera): Um-

DM (also off camera): Just go with the flow, DeWitt-Clinton! (To Sandi): We're on!

**Scene IV**

Sandi: This is the smallest animal of all the hoofed mammals. (Takes another look at the animal in question) I'll say! We once saw some pygmy goats at a fair's petting zoo, and they were bigger than that!

Zoo Liaison: Cut! Ms. Griffin-

Sandi: Fine, fine, we're back. (After one more look at the antelope.) This is the smallest animal of all the hoofed mammals. Its length (including the tail!) is sixty centimetres height – 25-30 centimetres, and weight – no more than sixty kilograms. Its legs are as thin as a pinkie finger, the hooves no bigger than a fingernail. The horns (no bigger than a matchstick) adorn the males alone. (Takes another look at the tiny antelope) The royal antelopes are great jumpers: without a running start they can leap for three meters. (Shakes her head and continues to read.) As for how they live in the jungles of western Africa, as for their habits – nothing is known. During the day they hide in the undergrowth, among the roots of the giant trees. When the tropical twilight quickly descends, these "toy" antelopes, armed with their keen senses of hearing and smell, carefully walk on their tiny hooves to their favourite grazing grounds.

Stacy (off screen): Wow!

Zoo Liaison: Quiet on the set!

Sandi (ignoring this): Their closes relatives are beira, oribi, suni, dik-dik and other dwarf antelopes. There are 13 species of them. Many of them will not be taller than a hare if put side-to-side. But some are the size of a small gazelle. During the nights they graze in dry steppes, stony deserts almost derived off water, rocky mountainsides. But they also can be found on the evergreen plantations of cocoa and bananas. (Break) During the day the pygmy antelopes sleep hiding between roots or somewhere under a prickly bush.

Zoo Liaison: Cut!

Sandi: The crappy text aside, what about the gazelles? They're not antelopes!

Candy: Actually, they are. "Antelopes" is a generic term; specifically, there are pygmy antelopes, gazelles, and so on.

Sandi: Oh.

Zoo Liaison (flatly): If you two are finished, please the take pygmy antelope off the set and bring on the duiker.

Candy (also flat): You got it.

**Scene V**

The scene is the same as before, even the tiny antelope looks similar to the one before it.

Sandi: Isn't it the same animal? Only coloured differently and with actual horns?

Candy: Believe it, it's not. It's the duiker. Don't worry; all but the professional biologists tend to get confused in this nomenclature when dealing at a lay-person's level.

Sandi: Oh, very well. (Begins to read): Just as the pygmy antelopes, the duikers come in different sizes: some no bigger than a hare, the others the size of a small gazelle. The yellow-backed duiker from the jungles of western Africa is the size of a fallow deer. Western Africa again? Was the script-writer an immigrant from there or something?

Zoo Liaison: Ms. Griffin, western Africa is where the African jungles are, all the rest is more or less open country! Now, start reading again!

Sandi: Fine! (Begins to read): Just as the pygmy antelopes, the duikers come in different sizes: some no bigger than a hare, the others the size of a small gazelle. The yellow-backed duiker from the jungles of western Africa is the size of a fallow deer. There are overall 15-17 species of duikers. (Break) Here, for example, is the Zanzibar duiker. (Points to the leashed antelope of Candy's.) Its' dress is very elegant and beautiful: itself is silvery-grey with a blue sheen, and its legs are reddish-orange.

(The camera zooms in closer to the duiker, leaving Sandi out of focus.)

Zoo Liaison (off screen): Cut! Zoom back out!

Sandi (off screen): No, it's okay. I mean, I'm not doing a whole lot of action, the camera might as well focus on the animal-

(The duiker suddenly gets startled and bolts off screen.)

Zoo Liaison (off screen): That's why. They aren't wild cats, Ms. Griffin, they don't get fierce, they get frightened.

Candy (off screen): Or rather, the small ones do. Hey, camera kid! Switch the view back to Sandi, while I get the animal back to its enclosure!

Ted (off screen): Okay!

(The camera zooms back to Sandi, though it's still close.)

Daria (off screen, wryly): Since the duiker is gone for the duration, might as well keep the focus mostly on Sandi.

Ted (off screen): Okay! Rolling!

Sandi (gives Daria briefly a glare, continues to read): The duikers are also called the crested antelopes: long hairs grow between their horns that sometimes cannot be seen amidst all that hair. (Break) These antelopes are very meek, cautious – as we've just seen. (Pauses, and then continues): they constantly hide in dense undergrowth. They eat leaves and berries, catch frogs, snails, insects of some sorts (they even hunt chickens in villages and guinea fowls in the jungles)—these antelopes come out only at night, leaving behind their retreats where they hid during the day. (Break) That's the best way not to get noticed by people, incidentally. Plenty of different duikers live in Africa, and nowhere else on the planet.

Zoo Liaison (off screen): Cut!

(The camera zooms away from Sandi.)

Sandi (taking a drink of water, conversationally): This is a thirsty work, you know?

Daria (off screen): Don't worry. You've got just the blackbuck left for now, and then we'll switch.

Sandi (faux-reluctantly): Oh, very well.

Ted (off screen): Roll!

Zoo Liaison (off screen, quickly): Cut! First, where's that blackbuck?

Bill (male animal handler): In its' enclosure, of course? Kid, swing the camera off the girl.

(The camera moves away from Sandi and deeper into enclosure. A handsome, black-and-white male gazelle with long, impressive horns comes into view.)

Sandi (off screen): Ted, you know what? Keep the camera on the animal. I don't think that my skin pores can withstand such close scrutiny just yet.

Ted (off screen): Okay! Roll!

Sandi (off screen): Almost all of the gazelles, both African and Asian, do not tolerate the density of the jungles. These are fleet-footed dwellers of steppe and desert spaces.

(The camera moves lower, closer to the gazelle's legs and feet.)

Sandi (off screen): The gazelles are slim and gracile. Their hooves are extremely small.

(The camera moves even lower down.)

Sandi (off screen): The gazelles walk almost as if they were on tiptoes. Sprinters know that you can never get the full speed if you were to run on the full foot. Ditto for the gazelle – if it were to run, then it runs, pushing with the mere tips of its hooves. Some gazelles are so enduring that they can with a speed of 65 km/h for a long time. (Break) The gazelles have great hearing: they can feel the approach of an enemy even by the trembling of soil. After running off for about 300 meters, the gazelle stops and checks: was it frightened in vain? If there _is_ a real danger, it flees once more. (Break) Roughly twenty species of gazelles live in the dry steppes of Africa and Asia. Some live even in the mountains. The Tibetan gazelle, chiru, for example. Some of the gazelles are no bigger than a goat; others are the size of deer. The horns are present in males and females or in males alone. The sparse fur is sandy-yellow. Some have black spots on their tails or stripes on their sides. (Break) The blackbuck – the Indian gazelle – is dressed differently, however-

(The camera quickly moves up and out, taking in the entire blackbuck, and not just its' legs and feet.)

Sandi (off screen): -it's black, but at its' stomach the blackness ends abruptly and the white chest and belly are very noticeable. The tip of its snout and the "spectacles" are white too.

(The camera's focus shifts towards the head of the gazelle, its' snout and horns.)

Sandi (off screen): That's in case of the males. The females are coloured less vividly: they are sandy-yellow, completely hornless. Meanwhile, the males have unusual horns as well: they're twisted in spirals, rather like two corkscrews in shape – exactly as in case of some of Africa's biggest antelopes.

Zoo Liaison (off screen): Cut!

**Scene VI**

The camera has zoomed away from the blackbuck.

Sandi (to Daria): Well, that was fun! Now it's your turn. Or Brittany's, if she wants to.

Brittany (looking curiously at the blackbuck): No, I'm good for now. (Turns to Jane.) Jane, can I have a picture of blackbuck as well? To match the one of the puma?

Jane (thoughtfully): I'll see what I can do, but I can make no promises. (Pauses) You know, I got to admit that the whole duiker incident aside, this is going on quite smoothly, as compared to the cat incident. Principal Li is less high-strung than before, too.

Li (off screen): I am not! It's just that, Miss Lane, you're correct – the whole thing _is_ progressing smoothly, the duiker incident was minor, and I don't want to jinx it-

Candy (appearing in a huff): Herman, we've got a problem. The goitered gazelles we were supposed to do next? The barrier between them and the onagers got broken down, me and the others are going to have our hands full for quite a while-

(Principal Li starts to make choking sounds off screen.)

Daria (incredulously): I'm sorry, but say what?

Candy: The gazelles and onagers basically share a big enclosure, divided by the barrier in two. Sadly, because of budget cuts, the barrier isn't as good as it used to be now. Now it appears to have broken down, and the enclosure is whole again.

Daria: Sorry to sound as principal Li does on a good day, but is it so terrible? It's not like in case of the leopards, is it?

Candy: Actually, it sort of is. The two animals... they don't get along so well, plus the broken-down barrier...it's ugly to say the least. The zoo wants good publicity, not the sign of termite-eaten ruins! (To the zoo liaison) Oh, and you better call insurance agent, Robert Drone's sure of it.

Zoo Liaison (off screen): That's not good, and not just because Mullins' a piece of work. Fine, forget the goitered gazelles. Send them to the next enclosure.

Candy: Got it! (Break) Everyone, follow me to the springboks!

**Scene VII**

The springboks' enclosure. Daria is in front of it, instead of Sandi.

Daria (looking into the camera, in her trademark monotone): There were times when even lions would step aside for these gazelles. Because if they wouldn't step aside – the gazelle herd would "consume" them. And then, either willing or not, the lions ran with the antelopes, because the predators just couldn't easily escape from the mass of the huge herd of fast-running animals. The dogs, too, often got into such trouble. The herd would flee, panicked, from the hunters, and in their crazed run through the valleys it would take the dogs with it. The dogs tried to stay away from the hooves, but wouldn't escape all the same: the antelopes would overtake them at the sides and the dogs would vanish in herd forever and without a trace.

Sandi (off screen): Humph! I still think that the blackbuck was better – much better looking, too!

(Pause)

Daria: Shouldn't somebody yell cut here?

Ted (off screen): Cut!

Bill (Animal Handler): Thanks, kid. (To Daria) Uh, Herman's busy with the insurance people, and your principal is there along for the ride as well. Any ideas who's in charge now?

Daria (thoughtfully): Mr. DeMartino?

DM (off screen): Looks like that, I suppose. (Pauses) Unless Claire wants to?

DeFoe (off screen): No, no, that isn't really my thing, Anthony, you can do that. (Pause) And I got to admit, the blackbuck was more artistically pleasing-

DM (off screen): Later, Claire. (To Daria) So, you ready to continue?

Daria: As ready as I'll ever be.

Ted (off screen): Roll!

Daria: On their backs, these gazelles have accordion-like folds of skin, covered in white fur.

(The camera zooms past Daria to one of the springboks.)

Daria: There are plenty of smell-releasing glands in that folded skin. When alarmed, the springboks release their "accordions", spreading their sharp smell to a great distance. (Sniffs the air) Also, something like white ridges became raised above their backs. And to ensure that the alarm signal can be seen from afar too, the gazelles jump upwards – up to 3 meters above ground. And the savannah comes to life: zebras, antelopes, African buffalos listen, smell and leave the dangerous grounds where springboks have raised the alarm. (Sniffs again) Only a century or so ago, herds of many thousands of these beasts wandered through the steppes and semi-deserts of South Africa. Some herds have fifty thousand, other hundred thousand, or even a million animals! (Sniffs the air for a third time) Nowadays those carefree times when the springboks wandered through the steppes in immense herds are long gone. The springboks aren't gone yet, but few of them remain nonetheless.

DM (off screen, flipping through the script): Cut

Daria: Is it just me, or are these gazelles smell alarmed indeed?

Bill (apologetically): It's the ruckus with the goitered gazelles, see? They and the springboks aren't very closely related, but as with the left, so with the right: as the springboks alarm others, so the others alarm the springboks, and when it's the other gazelles... oh boy. Fortunately, the gerenuks are upwind of the springboks, so no problems there.

Daria (in her trademark monotone): Joy.

**Scene VIII**

The gerenuks' enclosure. For a change, a pair of these gazelles is grazing behind Daria.

DM (off screen): And we're on the air! Daria, roll!

Daria: The gerenuk, also Waller's gazelle and the giraffe antelope can be recognized and distinguished from any of its cousins: none of them, except for the giraffe proper, has such a long neck.

Jane (off screen): Holy crap! Daria, turn around and _look_!

(Daria turns around. The male gerenuk, distinguished by its long, curved horns, is now standing upright and browsing at the top of an acacia tree that is growing in their enclosure.)

Sandi (off screen): How does it _do_ that?

Daria (thoughtfully): I'm reasonably sure that it is all in the hips. So, Jane, feeling inspired?

Jane (off screen): Not as much as Ms. DeFoe it seems. For me, the whole gazelle thing just isn't all that great, though I admit that currently I'm getting some very interesting anatomical ideas...

DM (off screen): Ladies, as pleased I am by your chat, we _do_ have a schedule here, so can we _please_ adhere to it?

Daria (wryly): Mr. DeMartino, you're a spoilsport. (Pauses, moves to the side so that the camera is focused mainly on the gerenuks, and not on her.)

Daria (now off screen): The scientists didn't know until the year of 1878 that this amazing gazelle exists on the planet. On the contrary, they thought that all of the big animals of our world had been discovered. Then it became obvious that the gerenuk isn't the last hoofed mammal that'd been unknown to science. Plenty of others had been discovered after it—Przevalski's wild horse, Gravy's zebra, the sylvan "giraffe" – the okapi, the biggest wild pig in the world, a powerful wild cattle – the kouprey, and even a second species of African elephant!

Ted (off screen): Really?

DM (off screen): Not now, Ted, we're rolling. Keep focusing on the gazelle.

Daria (continues): But back to the gerenuk. Why does it need such a long neck?

Sandi (off screen): Isn't it obvious?

Daria (off screen, ignoring Sandi): It lives in African steppes where few trees and shrubs grow. Even on them all of the lower-growing leaves get eaten by the other gazelles, the ones with shorter necks. Only on the top, on the tallest branches, some greenery remains. To reach it, a long neck is necessary. And the gerenuk can also stand up on its hind legs – as you can see.

(The camera zooms even closer to the browsing antelopes.)

Daria (off screen): And so it walks on them, like a forced-upright horse, around the tree, balancing skilfully and feeding on the leaves growing on the very top.

DM (off screen): Cut!

**Scene IX**

A different enclosure, one containing the nyala antelopes (supposedly). The film-making and the zoo crews are taking their time setting up the cameras, however.

Daria (to Brittany): So, it's your turn now.

Brittany: I don't know, Daria. Weren't you supposed to do three antelopes and one of yours got cancelled?

Daria: That's okay. There were roughly fifteen antelopes in the script, remember? Odds are, I'll end up doing more antelopes yet.

Brittany (thoughtfully): Yes, it looks like that. Okay, might as well do the next trio. What's this one called?

Daria: The nyala, according to the script. Are you ready?

Brittany (getting herself together): As I'll ever be. Camera kid, start rolling.

Ted (off screen): I'm Ted. And rolling!

Brittany: This antelope is a giant compared to the gerenuk. The magnificent horns alone are over a meter long. Not to notice such a "grandiose" antelope can be thought-off as impossible. But, unbelievably, it was...

Andrea (off screen): And where is that grandiose antelope, seriously?

Candy (animal handler): Uh... there! Slightly to her left!

(The camera zooms to Brittany's left. A trio of greyish-brown antelopes comes closer to their enclosure's fence. The male does have very impressive horns, but the female – and their offspring – are hornless.)

Brittany (off screen, thoughtfully): They do look cool, but so did the gazelles, and the small antelope – not the first, the one that got away... What's so special about that one?

Daria (off screen): Brittany, the word "grandiose" in the script was put in quotation marks. Maybe the author was going for sarcasm?

Brittany: Oh. Why?

Daria: Eh, as Sandi has pointed out, the script does have its flaws. But you should probably keep on reading it anyways.

Brittany (off screen, belatedly): Oh, right. Where was I? (Break) Years followed years, the twentieth century began, and the nyala kept on grazing peacefully in mountain valleys of Abyssinia poor in vegetation and kept out of sight of explorers and travellers. Only in 1910 did the scientists learn about the Abyssinian mountain nyala. (Break) The other nyala – an ordinary, steppe-dwelling one – they knew about for a long time. It lives in south-eastern Africa. The males are greyish-brown, the females are reddish-brown. Meanwhile in case of the mountain nyala of Abyssinia both males and females are greyish-brown. (Takes a deep breath of air, keeps on reading.) By meeting the nyala we've come to the big antelopes: those that are also called spiral-horned. The nyala and the other big antelopes have spiralling horns – like the giant corkscrews.

DM (off screen): Cut!

**Scene X**

The same enclosure as before, only now others have joined Brittany before the nyalas' enclosure.

Jane: No, I don't see them.

Stacy (helpfully): They're right there.

Jane: No, I meant that Daria was right. They're grandiose only in the sarcastic sense: the pygmy antelopes had character or were colourful, and just as the gazelles – even the springbok had that funky smell. These girls and guy – they just stand there, trying to look impressive. Sort of like our football players. (Pause) Brittany, weren't Mack and Kevin part of the club as well?

Brittany: Oh, Coach Gibson managed to talk principal Li into letting them practice for football – the zoo's crew is doing all the heavy lifting here, so they're unnecessary here. Besides, what if Kevin had gotten bored? It would've been so wrong!

Candy (mostly to Bill and Mr. DeMartino): And speaking of wrongness, it's the elands' mating season. They're out and about, they're aggravated, and – between us and without Herman being the stick-in-the-mud that he is – I'm not sure if it's safe to be filming them...

DM (thoughtfully): Why don't we go over there and take a look, first? Kids, pack up and let's move – we have a unanimous decision to make!

**Scene XI**

The elands' enclosure. Two of the elands are noisily locking horns while the third is placidly looking on.

Daria: Looks sort of like Quinn and her boyfriends-

Quinn (insulted): Daria!

Daria: What?

DM (interrupting): So, Brittany, are you up to it?

Brittany (trying to sound confident): Yes! (Pauses) But can I narrate off screen and close to the camera? The scene with the leopard had been quite nasty, actually.

Bill/Candy: Sure!/Go right ahead!

Ted: Rolling!

Brittany (staying off screen): The eland is the biggest antelope in the modern world. It's almost two meters tall. It weighs up to a tonne! The spiralling horns are more than a meter long!

(The camera zooms in onto the head of the more placid eland.)

Brittany (off screen): The elands live in the savannah, where trees and shrubs grow not densely, but sparsely. The biggest elands live in the woodland of Central Africa. Even the lions are afraid of the elands, they don't attack the fully grown antelopes whose horns are as sharp as rapiers!

(The camera moves on the duelling elands instead.)

Brittany (off screen): The eland appears massive, ponderous. When it walks or runs, it's more like a cow than an antelope. (Break) Elands aren't malicious animals, their character is peaceful, and they get tamed easily.

(The duelling elands clash, emitting hoarse, bellowing cries.)

Brittany (off screen): In the Ascania-Nova national park located on the south of Ukraine the semi-domesticated elands are even milked, as if they were cattle. Their milk is very nutritious. Even a medicine is made from it.

DM (off screen): Cut!

(Back in the enclosure, one of the duelling elands got the upper hand, chased its rival away, and is now mounting the female.)

Ted (off screen): Should I be recording that?

DeFoe (off screen): You mean you don't know if you shouldn't? Oh, dear...

Dm (off screen, firmly): Cut!

**Scene XII**

The next enclosure, this time of the kudu antelopes.

Brittany (sceptically): Is it just me or are they just like the other antelopes – not the elands, the other ones.

Daria: The nyala? The greyish-brown ones?

Brittany: Exactly! They look a lot like them! Maybe they are the nyalas – you know, the reddish-brown ones in the script?

Daria: No, Brittany – one the female nyalas are reddish-brown, the males are always greyish-brown. None of these antelopes is greyish-brown. I guess that they're the kudus as the script said.

Brittany: Yeah... and it's a funny name too, isn't it? If Kevin has been here, he would've cracked a joke... (Exhales) Let's do this.

Ted (off screen): Rolling!

Brittany: The kudu is a slim, graceful antelope with beautiful horns. Only the males are horned. When it comes to moving, the kudu is quick on its feet, graceful as a gazelle. However, these antelopes aren't small: a mature kudu is as big as a horse. (Break) That's the greater kudu. There are also the lesser kudu. They only live in the north-eastern Africa. The greater kudu, meanwhile, can be found anywhere south of the Sahara, just not in the depths of the wet, tropical rainforests. Stony hills and valleys, overgrown with scrubland, acacias, baobabs – they're the places favoured by the greater kudus. And water close by is a must – greater kudus drink a lot and go to their watering holes every morning. (Break) On the kudu's sides, from top to bottom are white stripes. And across the forehead, from eye to eye, and on the sides of the face, on the upper lip, there are stripes. From afar it appears as if there's a bridle on the antelope's head. Therefore, the antelopes with such coloration are called "bridled".

DM (off screen): Cut! Nice work, Brittany.

Brittany: Thanks, but, honestly, they were just standing there, kind of like the fashion models when those fashion agents came to our school – that's so boring! The elands, at least, they were kind of fun, even if they were just big and strong...

Sandi (coming on screen to Brittany, grudgingly): You want to do the next antelope?

Brittany (surprised): What? No, Sandi, as I told Daria-

Sandi (interrupting): Only, according to the script, it's an antelope similar to the ones you've been narrating about, and I thought that you might like it for closure...

Brittany (twirling her hair, thoughtfully – for her): Closure, hah? Mr. DeMartino, what do you think?

DM: Don't see any problem. (Turns to Bill and Candy): And you two?

Candy (exchanging a look with Bill): No problem at our end. Just keep an eye out for Herman _or_ your boss: they might start trouble, one suspect...

DM: Deal! (To Brittany): All, right you're on!

Brittany: Cool!

**Scene XIII**

The bongo's enclosure. Unlike the previous ones, it has more trees in it, and is somewhat smaller.

Brittany (to the animal handlers): Well, here I am, and where's the bongo? (Blinks) Kudu, bongo – why do the antelopes have such funny names?

Candy: Because they're ethnically African?

Brittany: You mean like Mack and Jodie are?

Daria (quickly): Sort of like that, Brittany. Now the camera's in position, and where's the bongo?

Bill (almost as quickly): At the watering hole to your right, see?

(Everybody does.)

Brittany: Wow, that's colourful. Okay, uh, Ted, are you ready?

Ted (enthusiastically, off screen): Rolling!

Brittany: Bongo is another "bridled" antelope. But its' spots and stripes are brighter. It's a very beautiful antelope, chestnut-red.

DeFoe (off screen): I don't know, Brittany, it's more of an orange colour...

Brittany (confused): Um, the script says chestnut-red-

DeFoe (off screen, embarrassed): Oh, I'm sorry, Brittany. Please ignore me and start again.

Brittany: Okay! (Break) Bongo is another "bridled" antelope. But its' spots and stripes are brighter. It's a very beautiful antelope, chestnut-red. Both males and females have long horns. The bongo lives not in the savannas as the kudu and the eland do, but in the tropical rainforests that are green all year round, where during the day you can't see either the sun in the sky or the sky itself. Out of all the big antelopes only the bongo is constant inhabitant of such ever-gloomy and damp rainforests.

(The camera moves away from Brittany and zooms closer to the bongo.)

Brittany (now off screen, but not sounding too upset): The bongo is a rare guest in the zoos of the world. Many expeditions that went to Africa to catch this beautiful antelope had returned empty-handed. The bongo is very expensive to buy. The zoos often exchange animals. Consequently, one bongo antelope costs five elephants and ten hi-hippos on top. (Break)

Candy (off camera): Our bongo buck is on loan, just like the royal antelope was – remember it?

Brittany: Okay! (Break) How the bongos live in the wild – the scientists do not know. Few people saw them – the bongos live in such hard-to-access places that people have trouble accessing!

(The camera zooms even more upon the bongo... which suddenly bolts deeper into the enclosure and out of the camera's reach.)

Sandi (off screen): Brittany, keep on going – it's just like me and that duiker, remember?

Brittany (now back on screen): Got it! (Break) And where to search for these hard-to-catch antelopes nobody knows for sure either. Bongos live in the jungles of western Africa. But these jungles are huge, they go for thousands of kilometres – in what parts of this endless green ocean do the bongos dwell, nobody knows.

DM (off screen): Cut!

Brittany (happily): It's over! I'm done! Sandi, Daria, it's your turn now!

Sandi (curiously): You're really that happy?

Brittany: Yup. So, whose turn is it next?

Quinn (suddenly): Can I try it? I know that I'm just an alternate and all, but-

Sandi: Well, I don't have a problem – if you try just this once.

Daria: Me neither.

Andrea: Hey, if the junior gets a turn, can I have one too?

Daria (exchanging looks with Sandi): Fine. (Turns to the animal handlers.) What's the next on the script, anyways? I sort-of gotten confused by now.

Bill: The wildebeest. You're going to love them!

**Science XIV**

The wildebeest enclosure. Several of the wildebeest are running around it in a small herd.

Andrea (cheerfully, to Bill): You're right. I do love them! They got character! Even more so than that giraffe-necked gazelle-

Daria: The gerenuk.

Andrea: Yeah, that one! (To Quinn) So, can I do them, Rusty?

Quinn (looking relieved): Yes, go ahead. And don't call me Rusty!

Andrea: Yeah, yeah. Camera kid, are you rolling?

Ted (off screen): Go!

Andrea: The appearance of the wildebeest antelopes is strange. At front it looks like a cow and at the rear like a horse. And it got a beard – like the Billy-goat. The tail is very hairy, and the mane on its' neck is like a horse's. (Break) The wildebeest is a very temperamental antelope, can hardly be tamed (unlike the eland!). But in the wilds, in the savannahs of Africa the wildebeest graze as peaceful and friendly beasts, intermixing into a single herd with other animals – African buffalos, zebras, ostriches. Such a "peaceful co-existence" gives advantages to both sides. The ostriches are sharp-sighted birds, they can see far. And the wildebeest, the zebras, and, especially, the African buffalo have good hearing and smell. Therefore, the combined herd of plant-eating mammals and giant birds always has sharp eyes, keen noses and ears on guard. Lions, leopards, cheetahs and other carnivores have trouble approaching: either the ostriches will see them from afar, or their hoofed friends will smell and hear them. (Break) The wildebeest also often frequent the elephant herds: here it is even safer than in an alliance with ostriches! The elephants don't bother the antelopes. Only, to prevent them from getting trampled underfoot, they may push them slightly to the side with their trunks.

DM (off screen): Cut

Quinn: That was fast.

Andrea: Well, duh, and you should do your part fast, before principal Li or that Herman guy return. I don't think you or I are supposed to narrate – only Daria, Sandi and Brittany are. But...

Quinn (reluctantly): Makes sense. (To the others) Can we get going, please? I do want to try and to show to mom...

DM: All right, but you've got to do your bit fast too, remember?

Quinn (relieved): It's a deal!

**Scene XV**

A different enclosure, this one full of antelopes... rather generic-looking antelopes, actually.

Quinn (thoughtfully): Sis, I think I've been blown by my own petard. Seriously. The Goth-girl's wildebeest – they weren't pretty, or fashionable, but, yeah, they had character. These ones... lack even that.

Bill (off screen): Nevertheless, kid, you got to do them, or forfeit!

Quinn (giving Bill the evil eye): That is not the right choice of words, mister. I never put anything on a betting table! ...But no Morgendorffer ever backs down from a fight either, so, camera kid, start rolling!

Ted (off screen): Rolling!

Quinn: The common tsessebe and the hartebeest are a pair of antelopes very similar to each other. The tsessebe's hind legs have bluish-black spots on their thighs.

(The camera zooms past Quinn and begins to focus on the antelopes' legs and thighs.

Quinn (off screen): These spots are how you can distinguish the tsessebe from the hartebeest. (Break) At a first glance, these antelopes look rather misshapen: big-headed, with horns jutting to the sides, the hindquarters are much lower than the fore (they're similar to the giraffes in this!). There's something bovine, clumsy in their movements, when they're calmly grazing or search for shadow going from tree to tree. It appears that they're not fast runners either. But looks are deceiving: the antelopes are quite quick, of all the predators only the cheetah can catch them (and the cheetah's speed is over 100 km/h!). And even that is done with the condition that it will chase them from a small distance, not a large one. (Break) Just as in case of all the other big African antelopes, during the mornings the common tsessebe and the hartebeest drink. Then they graze, often in common herds with the wildebeest, elands, zebras, and other grazers. During the heat of noon they rest in the shade.

(The camera swings upwards.)

Daria (off screen): Ted, what _are_ you doing?

Ted (off screen): Looking to see if it's noon yet, 'cause these antelopes aren't resting in the shade.

Daria (off screen): Ted, we're not in Africa, here we don't get that sort of heat, not even at noon. Get back to the antelopes!

(The camera swings downwards, back to the antelopes.)

Quinn (off screen): The herd is constantly on alert – isn't there some enemy stalking them? When the antelopes are grazing, some of them, climbing onto high hills, constantly keep a look on the neighbourhood. Then these watchmen are replaced by others, and the initial animals go to graze.

Jane (off screen): Speaking of men, where are Ms. Barch and Mr. O'Neill? Aren't they a part of it too?

DM (off screen): No, they're running the school back at the ground zero. (Pause) Quinn, keep on going!

Quinn (off screen): The common tsessebe love to play tag, to butt heads just for the fun of it. Each male has its own playground. And the game is such: "Who's the king of the mountains?" The males tend occupy each other's "mountains", i.e. the hoof-trampled playground, while the playground's owner banns them, by pushing them back onto the grass with its' horns. (Break) The common tsessebe, the hartebeest and the wildebeest are also called the cow-antelopes: that's due to some of common features in their anatomies. In reality they're no closer related to cattle than any other antelopes.

DM (off screen): Break! I mean, cut!

Quinn (off screen, since the camera is still on the antelopes): Just for the record? Sandi's right. The script sucks. It's infantile and doesn't make a lot of sense. Daria could've written a better script!

Daria (off screen): I don't write scripts, sis.

Quinn (off screen): I know. And yet you still would've done a better job than this guy or gal.

Bill (off screen): Can we just get a move-on, please?

DM (off screen): Fair enough. Everybody, let's go!

**Scene XVI**

Sandi: Daria, I think it's my turn.

Daria: Fair enough.

Sandi: Only, because you've been able to do only two, on the account of the goitered gazelles being unavailable, I'm giving you this one.

Daria (caught slightly flat-footed): You, uh, don't have to-

Sandi: That's cool. I still get to do two more, and two is more than one. So, start narrating. Yo, camera-kid, start rolling! (Moves off screen)

Ted (off screen): My name's Ted! And we're rolling.

Daria (glaring slightly in the off screen direction): The nilhai is a large antelope, the biggest one in Asia: a meter and a half tall. The fur of the nilhai males is of a bluish-grey, very beautiful colour (very rarely pure albinos are found as well – their manes are blindingly orange!). (Break) The females are reddish-brown, hornless. (Break) And the males too have short horns – no longer than their ears.

(The camera suddenly moves off Daria and to her left, where a nilhai – a male - has finally appeared.)

Daria (now off screen): In reality, you cannot fight with these horns.

(The camera zooms closer to the nilhai's head.)

Daria (off screen): Therefore, if two nilhai bulls will get into an argument, they decide the question of who's stronger by special rules. The opponents kneel—head to head—pushing each other with their foreheads, they try to topple each other. Whoever falls first is the loser. The victor doesn't touch it anymore, doesn't kick it, doesn't gore, but departs to its' herd with its' head raised proudly. (Break) The nilhai live in hilly and low-land forests, visit the hard-to-reach jungles as well as the deserts. They eat mainly tree leaves. To reach those that grow higher up, they stand on their hind feet, just as the gerenuk does.

The camera zooms closer to the nilhai in the zoo's enclosure, which _is_ eating leaves but without standing on its hind legs alone as the gerenuk earlier did.)

Jane (off screen): Ted, zoom away. Clearly, this nilhai isn't going to show off in front of camera. Daria, go on.

Daria (off screen, wryly): Then they can eat even such tree branches that can be reached only by the elephants of India. (Break) Interestingly, the Italians had decided to acclimatize the nilhai in their hunting domains. They adapted there and are reproducing well enough.

DM (off screen): Cut!

**Scene XVII**

A different enclosure from the one that had contained the nilhai, now Sandi is in front of the camera, instead of Daria.

Andrea (off screen): Okay, that was fast!

Candy (off screen): Yes, we are wrapping up the show, basically. As you can see, ignoring the incident with the goitered gazelles – and that's our fault, technically speaking, just don't tell that to Herman and his bosses – the whole thing has progressed quite smoothly. Now it's just two more antelopes, and we're free of this show. So, are you ready?

Sandi: Yup! (Pauses, begins to read) The four-horned antelope lives in India. It's a fleet-of-foot, meek creature that lives a private life, hiding in the dense underbrush. The four-horned antelope is strange. Even the local inhabitants, the hunters, the peasants, only rarely see it. And even fewer explorers and travellers have ever seen it in the wild.

Candy (off screen): There, there it is! On the right!

(The camera moves away from Sandi and to the right, where a small, lightly-built antelope has indeed appeared out of the enclosure's depths.)

Sandi (continuing off screen): Two small horns (5-12 centimetres long) grow, just as in case of all the other antelopes, on the top of its' head, right between the ears. But in front of them, on the forehead – two more, smaller horns.

(The camera zooms onto the antelope's head that does indeed have four, rather than just two, horns.)

Sandi (off screen): They don't appear immediately, not at the same time as the first, ordinary horns, but only after the young antelope has reached its second year of age. The old four-horned antelopes may have secondary horns reach 7 centimetres in length. In general, neither front nor real horns are particularly large. And the four-horned antelope itself is no bigger than a gazelle. (Break) Sometimes it happens that the domestic goats, sheep, calves are born with four horns. But among the wild animals only the four-horned antelope has four horns. (Break) Actually, that is not quite so: some giraffes sometimes grow another, a second pair of horns. But that's only some, while the adult four-horned antelopes are always four-horned.

DM (off screen): Cut!

(Startled, the four-horned antelope vanishes in the depths of the enclosure.)

Jane (off screen, sourly): Mr. DeMartino, did you have to yell so loud? This is the first antelope since the gerenuk that actually had character in it.

Andrea (off screen): Hey! The wildebeest – it has character! And it was _after_ the gerenuk!

Jane (off screen): Not artistic kind of character!

Andrea (off screen): Oh. Well, can I still commission a picture of wildebeest of you?

Jane (off screen): We'll see...

Candy (moving into the view of the camera): All right, people: all we've got left is the saiga antelope, and we're home free. Let's start moving-

**Scene XVIII**

The same place as before, save that Upchuck is now with them as well.

Upchuck: I, uh, got the message from your boss. The saiga antelopes are feeling restless, so it was decided not to film them.

Candy: Ah.

Daria: "Ah", what?

Candy: The saigas share their enclosure with the Mongolian gazelles just as the goitered gazelles are sharing it with the onagers. The Mongolian gazelles must've caught the springboks' smell of alarm and have grown agitated, that agitation must've passed onto the saigas and now it might be better for you to wrap up.

DM: You heard her people, we're wrapping it up.

Quinn (wryly): You didn't have to sound so eager, you know?

DM: Sorry.

**Epilogue I**

The Morgendorffers' household, all of the Morgendorffers are sitting at a table, except for Jake, who is watching the TV, again.

Quinn: And so we gave the film to Bill and Candy and went home. Hopefully, it'll run some time later next week. Personally, I having a speaking part – even just a small one – was great! What do you think, Daria?

Daria: I enjoyed it too. Hopefully, next time you'll be the lead.

Helen: Girls, I'm sorry for shoehorning Daria into the lead like that and passing over Quinn.

(Daria and Quinn exchange looks.)

Daria: Mom, you're off the hook for now. Hopefully – Upchuck let it slip – that if all goes well we'll be done with our debt to the zoo for a while, but... let's keep our fingers crossed, shall we?

Helen (thoughtfully): Yes, shall.

**Epilogue II**

The Lanes' driveway, Jane is passing a painting to Andrea.

Jane: Here are your wildebeest, then.

Andrea: Thanks. And where are you off, then?

Jane: To the zoo, of course. The blackbuck does have artistic presence, and some of the other antelopes have merit too. Might run into Sandi as well – she still tends to visit the cats, and what-not-

Andrea: Cool. Think they have a job opening or two there – I could use with some extra cash.

Jane: I don't know, we'll see.

End.


End file.
